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***UPDATED: Health Advisories for Outer-Space Visitors

The Intergalactic Council for Disease Control has issued new guidance for travel to Earth, relaxing some restrictions. Most travel illnesses on Earth are minor, such as thorax rash, overhydration, or motion sickness from TikTok.

Some More Sus Guidance From the CDC - We’re beginning to think they’re not taking things seriously

The CDC recommends you answer their “u up?” text. The CDC says add them on Snap. The CDC says they get so lonely sometimes.

Reasons I'm Still Wearing A Mask (That Have Nothing to Do With Secretly Being a Crocodile)

I fear someday soon I will be all alone in my stalwart masking. I wear a mask to protect others—not to obscure a hypothetical snout full of sharp teeth that I might, hypothetically, have and might, hypothetically, intend to eat you with.

CARTOON: CDC Mandates

Not everything is dropped. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

CARTOON: Singin' in the Germs!

What a glorious feeling! Today's cartoon by Ward Sutton.

CDC Releases New Safe Sex Guidelines for Sterilized and Unsterilized People

It is safe for both sterilized and unsterilized people to go shopping as long as everyone wears condoms.

Those Self-important Scientists Warning About The Dangers Of The Plague-infected Giant Rats In America Need To Stay In Their Lane

Whelp, they’re at it again, folks. When will those infectious disease scientists at the so-called Center for Disease Control ever quit their fear-mongering and just do their jobs? Yes, a few of those giant rats Americans love keeping as pets have contracted an illness that’s made them prone to violent outbursts in which they occasionally tear the flesh off their owners’ faces, but these scientists are making it sound like that’s some out of control situation.

Quiz: George Carlin’s 7 Words You Can’t Say On TV or CDC’s 7 Words/Phrases Forbidden By Trump Administration

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1. vulnerable 2.piss 3 motherfucker 4. entitlement 5. cunt 6.…