CDC Releases New Safe Sex Guidelines for Sterilized and Unsterilized People

Fully sterilized people can have sex with each other outdoors without wearing a condom.

Unless there are a lot of other people around (“a lot” being undefined), in which case people can still have sex but should wear condoms.

Sterilized people can have sex with unsterilized people because the sterilized people can’t get the unsterilized people pregnant. Probably.

However, if the unsterilized people are elderly and at high risk of pregnancy, everyone involved should wear two well-fitting condoms while having sex.

Unsterilized people should not have sex in restaurants and bars unless the restaurants and bars really need money. Everyone should wear condoms while walking to and from the restrooms because this involves a high risk of pregnancy. However, it is fine to remove all condoms while having sex with multiple people at tables. Servers should wear condoms at all times even though they are not the ones having sex. This guideline involves a lot of thorny ethical factors that we cannot go into here.

It is safe for both sterilized and unsterilized people to go shopping as long as everyone wears condoms.

It is a pregnancy risk for both sterilized and unsterilized people to go in a dressing room at Target or T.J. Maxx even if they are alone. Old Navy dressing rooms, on the other hand, are perfectly safe.

Both sterilized and unsterilized teenagers should abstain from sex and conduct their education virtually from home, unless their local school board randomly decides to send everyone back.

Sterilized teenagers may have sex while wearing condoms if there is a sheet of plexiglass between them. A few teenagers may still get pregnant this way, but teenagers tend to have good physical outcomes with pregnancy.

Teachers are at higher risk of pregnancy if surrounded by many teenagers having sex, but teachers love babies so it is okay if they get pregnant.

The degree of pregnancy risk varies from school district to school district and in accordance with the prevalent political orientation of parents in that district.

High school sports remain exempt from any and all safe sex guidelines.

The risk of pregnancy or even death caused by many unsterilized teenagers having unprotected sex with each other is not a concern when stacked up against the joy that high school basketball brings us.

The CDC will continue to update the safe sex guidelines as more information becomes available and/or if babies resulting from these guidelines begin to mutate.

Alternative to all previous guidelines: There is a new form of birth control that is free, safe, universally available, and almost 100% effective against becoming pregnant with mutating babies.