“Someone should tell self-important anti-gun doctors to stay in their lane. Half of the articles in Annals of Internal Medicine are pushing for gun control. Most upsetting, however, the medical community seems to have consulted NO ONE but themselves.” — @NRA/Twitter, 11/8/18
Those self-important scientists warning about the dangers of the plague-infected giant rats in America need to stay in their lane
Whelp, they’re at it again, folks. When will those infectious disease scientists at the so-called Center for Disease Control ever quit their fear-mongering and just do their jobs? Yes, a few of those giant rats Americans love keeping as pets have contracted an illness that’s made them prone to violent outbursts in which they occasionally tear the flesh off their owners’ faces, but these scientists are making it sound like that’s some out of control situation.
Any seasoned giant rat owner knows how to handle their rat, and take the necessary precautions to protect their loved ones who may be less rat-savvy (or just don’t particularly like or trust themselves around giant rodents). All you have to do is lock your rat in a National Giant Rat Association-approved rat cage, then cover the cage with a blackout, claw-resistant shield so the rat doesn’t get antsy. And if your rat is, in fact, infected, simply stop feeding it, and the problem should take care of itself. Bingo bango.
Now the NGRA knows there’ve been reports of some of these infected rats learning how to unlock their cages from the inside, then sneaking up on their unsuspecting owners and sinking their tiny teeth into them, but think about who’s writing up those reports. That’s right, it’s those same alarmist scientists who have nothing better to do than write position papers that definitely don’t apply to the average giant rat owner, because the infection cases are so few and far between.
Again, language is everything here, and 304 outbreaks of 1,000 rats or more is hardly what we’d call a “plague.” Considering how many giant rats there are in America, we’d say those outbreaks are nothing more than a smattering of minor incidents. Plus once first responders (aka giant rat wranglers) were at the scene, the situations were contained and the offending rats were neutralized within a matter of hours. And you know how they do it so fast? More giant rats! THAT’S how you handle a crisis – not with position papers, but with action. Furry, unbridled action.
Also, CDC scientists are grossly exaggerating their descriptions of the wounds giant infected rats are inflicting on their owners. They’re saying they look like “the gaping maw of a tiger — as if someone scooped out the flesh and muscle with a melon baller the size of a grapefruit,” but that is wholly inaccurate. If anything, they’re more the size of a regular melon baller scoop.
The use of these graphic descriptions is simply another blatant tactic to get all giant rats quarantined and outlawed, which would be a violation of our rights to own wild, unpredictable creatures. How else would we protect ourselves from all the unknown forces of evil out there, like undocumented immigrants and left-wing political canvassers?
We should be focusing on the real problem here — the owners of the infected rats, who’re likely the reason the innocent rats got sick in the first place. They probably picked up some virus from a county fair, passed it onto their giant rats, and it naturally mutated into something that has medical science at a bit of loss. But those guys always find cures for things, so not to worry. Since we know illnesses can’t be helped, rather than revoke their giant rat-owning licenses, we simply suggest these owners take some antibiotics whenever they become available (come on CDC docs, you have one job). Then they can get right back to enjoying their giant rats whenever, wherever and however they choose.
It’s truly upsetting that these scientists keep spouting all these terrifying and unsubstantiated theories like “long-term bite side effects”, and “imminent giant rat-to-human pandemic” without consulting the real experts on the subject. It seems some organizations really don’t care about the people they’re supposed to serve, only the impact that their giant diseased rats will have on them and society as a whole.
Ally Hirschlag is a writer from Brooklyn who lives with mild anxiety over what her cats are doing in the other room. You can find her work at Mic, Upworthy, Teen Vogue, and elsewhere. Follow her on Twitter @allyhirschlag.