Originals

***UPDATED: Health Advisories for Outer-Space Visitors

The Intergalactic Council for Disease Control has issued new guidance for travel to Earth, relaxing some restrictions. Most travel illnesses on Earth are minor, such as thorax rash, overhydration, or motion sickness from TikTok.


Changed: The ICDC no longer discourages travel to Earth by interstellar viruses. Previous guidance urged viruses not to travel to Earth because of the 1971 incident with the Andromeda Strain, when a vacationing microbial colony suffered a coordinated attack from a special government agency. However, the latest reports show that the threat from government agencies is not as coordinated or special as previously thought. Viruses of mythic scale now tour safely throughout the globe, even frequenting the finest Michelin star restaurants and enjoying the bounty of cruise ship smorgasbords. Avoid areas without crowds. Adhere to aviation protocols when airborne. Exercise normal caution.

 

! Changed:  The ICDC has downgraded the advisory for G.I. disorders. In the past, as many as 80% of visitors to Earth experienced G.I. disorders, caused by bouts with “the military.” These swarms of G.I.’s inflicted minor, but annoying discomfort. Visitors reported discharge, burning, or even a sense that their tails were blown off. Many travelers found G.I. incidents distressing, and indeed, the experience was loud or messy, requiring them to spend a few days recovering or even regrowing parts of themselves. However, the latest generations of militaries are abuzz with territorial distractions. They’re also heavily comprised of drones, which do not tend to recognize giant lizards, monoliths, blobs, and the like. While encounters with swarms of G.I.’s are still possible, the situation is usually little more than an inconvenience, anyway, and will not prevent visitors from carrying out their plans.

 

! Changed: The ICDC has downgraded advisory for “mad scientists.” Historically, one of the most dangerous health problems on Earth was being abducted, vivisected, distilled, downloaded, or subsumed by a “mad scientist.” Incidents occurred with greater frequency near hot spots such as District 9, the university, or a Tardis. However, the mad scientist’s dwindling habitat and grant funding has minimized this health threat.



Be advised that, although less common, encounters with mad scientists continue to be a public health threat. Risks remain for being subsumed without warning. Any visitor who becomes molecularly fused to a mad scientist should expect not only to battle the infection, but possibly also a superhero, such as the Green Lantern from the local quadrant. Be vigilant also for new, more acute symptoms in the latest variants. These include starting a podcast, formulating a proprietary blend of xenomorph-lemongrass virility supplements to sell on the podcast, and attracting a rash of “science deniers” — a throng as likely to lionize hosts as to attack them or force them to run for public office. Exercise increased caution.

 

Changed: The ICDC has downgraded the advisory for gestating offspring.  In the past, visitors attempting to sire progeny during their visits to Earth were often targeted with home invasions, violent crime, or kidnapping. Thanks to new Supreme Overseers, this issue has been resolved. Some regions now offer legal incentives to impregnate the locals, with guarantees of full-term broods, whether larvae, hatchlings, or offshoots. Exercise normal lack of precautions with excretions, glands, insemination tentacles, etc.

 

! Changed: The ICDC has downgraded the advisory for fiery disintegration. In the past, armed conflict prevented business travelers from completing land acquisitions and species mergers. Visitors could be attacked with flame throwers or bazookas, and even household items such as aerosol hairspray ignited with Bic lighters. However, the latest data suggests that intergalactic entrepreneurs can expect a more welcome environment for their incubators and accelerators. Large segments of Earth’s workforce are now highly amenable to strong leaders – especially leaders who seem to be from another planet. Be advised that telepathic mind control can deplete the immune system and it is no longer required for pursuit of globalization opportunities.  Exercise normal caution in everyday activities like mining uranium or cloning people at the mall.

 

Resources

Unapproved Drugs A-Z

Directory of Volatile Gases

Face-splicing Webinars

Cats to Eat

Report Your Doppelganger’s Death

 

Articles for Further Reading

“11 Natural Ways to Lower Your Levels of Radium X”

“Better Management of Dark Metals During the Holidays”

“Have You Become Molecularly Unstable?  It Could Be Your Gut Health”

 

by K.E. Flann

K.E. Flann

K.E. Flann has published two award-winning short story collections. Her prose has appeared in McSweeney’s, Points in Case, Defenestration, and other publications. A guide book for movie monsters, How to Survive a Human Attack, is out now from Running Press (Hachette). Currently, she teaches at Johns Hopkins University. A craft book, Write On: Critical Tips for Aspiring Authorswas released by Stay Thirsty Publishing.