Poll: Nobody Wants to Hear About Your Dumb Dream

“OH MY GOD. I literally have six complaints on my desk from Jim in IT, Susan in Marketing, and Louis in accounting. They all called this harassment. We’ve talked to Lindsay maybe 10 times about how she can’t use company devices to email people about her dreams. She doesn’t even work here anymore! She just comes in to talk about her dreams.” —Michelle, HR

The Five Stages of Sleep After Eating a Burrito Mojado

Sleep Stage 3: Deep Self-Loathing. You have burrito sweats. You wonder whether you can hold out till morning before having to get up to use the bathroom. Your brain can recall minute details of long-forgotten events. Remember that time in the second grade when you scowled at Stacy Curtis who wanted nothing more than to sit next to you at lunchtime and be your friend? Of course you do. You can still see tears welling up in the corner of her eye and threatening to spill down her delicately freckled cheek. Why would she even want to be your friend, anyway? You’re fundamentally unlikeable.

CARTOON: Taken Talent

After a while you won't even notice. Today's cartoon by Vaughan Tomlinson.

Your Brain Recommends Dreams Based On Your Watch History

Our data suggest that you enjoyed watching the cast of Queer Eye makeover dogs, so how about this 7-hour movie where all of your friends hate you for no reason?


Feeling loop-de-looped? Us too. Today's cartoon by Cerise Zelenetz.

When You Wish Upon A Starfish, Only Fish-Related Dreams Can Come True (By Bob Iger, CEO Of Disney)

Again folks, we here at Disney apologize deeply for this oversight. But, as you can see, the effect that this policy-update should have on your day-to-day wish/dream schedule is, at best, minimal. And as long as you remember that starfish-related wishes should only be made in the context of fish-related dreams, then there should be no problem whatsoever!

Paul Ryan's Other Teenage Dreams

“So Medicaid, sending it back to the states, capping its growth…