We here at your brain noticed that you liked watching Kevin Hart take a lie detector test, so how about we play this short film in your head where your old soccer coach, Scott, is now your new dad?
You responded positively to watching Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez rate Ruth Bader Ginsburg quotes from “forced to fierce”, so how about this found-footage recording of your entire family moving out on you because you sweat too much?
Our data suggest that you enjoyed watching the cast of Queer Eye makeover dogs, so how about this 7-hour movie where all of your friends hate you for no reason?
We produced a significant amount of dopamine when you spent an afternoon watching news clips of weathermen accidentally drawing genitals on their heat maps, so how about we play those same news clips sporadically throughout one month where you are now all of those weathermen and, for some reason, you have no genitals?
You could not get enough of this series of video essays about how everything you genuinely enjoy is actually stupid, so how about this ominous vignette about your fear of dying alone, which has manifested in a supermassive black hole in the living room of your childhood home, that we will play once every two weeks for the rest of your life?
You absolutely loved wasting an entire weekend watching videos of what Japanese businessmen do in a typical workday, so how about we revisit that short film with Scott, but now he forces you to call him “dad” in front of your friends, and also you have no genitals?
You had so much fun watching campus tour videos of the college you already attend, so how about this Truman Show-esque episode where you watch yourself go to the bathroom in the third person, but you can’t use it because you have no genitals, and then Scott walks in on you?
We took note that you added multiple lip-sync videos to your “watch later” playlist, so how about this series of three-second flashes where Scott emerges from the supermassive black hole in the living room and calls you “dad” in front of your entire family that hates themselves because, for some reason, they just know that Scott has no genitals?
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Hrannar Björnsson is an Icelandic writer and performer, living in New York. He has written for Points in Case and The Sarah Lawrence Phoenix. He performs sketch and improv with his comedy team Tiny Idea. You can contact him on Twitter @hrannarhrannar or just knock on his dorm room window.