Problem-Solving Papa. Today's cartoon by Arun Durvasula.

Spring cleaning is an ancient tradition, dating back to when cave dwellers first realized that last season’s mammoth bones were starting to attract wolves. Today, the ritual persists, but with more existential dread and fewer saber-toothed tigers.

“The salesman mumbled something about the car outlasting social security, which is a weird thing to say. Don’t recommend.”

Department of Homeland Security: The Cigarette Smoking Man (X-Files) As head of a shadowy syndicate, the cigarette smoking man certainly knows his way around a bureaucracy bogged down in red tape. Carrying the ignominious nickname ‘Cancer Man,’ he participated in a decade-long cover up that involved preparing Earth for an alien invasion. 

I know what you’re thinking: Isn’t it a bit much to ask someone to tip you enough to purchase a local coffeehouse in exchange for a 3-minute read? How much does a coffee shop cost, anyway? It’s got to be a lot, right? Are we talking independent or franchise? Do you even know the first thing about running such an establishment?

I'm All Ears. Today's cartoon by Zip Freeman.

HI YUP! Honest to god, good ol’ fashioned vegetables. A single rumpled bag of Harvest Cheddar you forgot about find in the bottom of your work bag can now be sold as actual, real chow. And you won’t know the difference! Well, you might by the taste, calories and saturated fat but TRUST US, you are eating a vegetable.

I’m honest because I’m your BFF, your platonic ride-or-die, and I think you deserve someone who really understands you. The kind of guy who has been in love with you since college and has an inside joke with your mom. Hypothetically.

Next month on CBS, the storm has cleared and six of the hunkiest men you’ve ever seen are dropped off onto UNO island where they’ll compete to find last season’s missing hunks. Rescued contestants get dealt in to the finale game of UNO, but only one will leave with the Wild Card Queen (as long as she is also found). 

YELLOW WITH SPOTS: Obviously your child is unable to attend school for the rest of the week, but Sally’s mom has asked us to remind you to drop off 50 dairy-free, nut-free, funfetti-free cupcakes for the winter fundraiser on Thursday between 10:49 AM - 11:07 AM.

Getting your steps in: Why else would you be walking to the Gatorade water tank 100 yards away from your table. To get water? Um, no. You didn’t even want water, and those 10,000 steps aren’t going to step themselves. The only thing worse than the shame of being seen self-serving yourself a one oz. cup of water like you’re a 7-year-old at a tee-ball game is dying early from heart disease after leading a sedentary lifestyle. 

Single Spectacle. Today's cartoon by Andy Anderson & Rusty Ruble.

Airborne Artist. Today's cartoon by Nathan Cooper.

Eat more scorpions. And more!

We are tired of all these conspiracy theories. Remember last year when Gillikin Country was blanketed in a glowing mystery haze and we told you it was nothing? Sure it turned out to be a deadly tornado originating from Kansas, but it was most certainly not Elphaba trying to get hold of those ruby slippers by blowing weed into your lungs. Or that time when the green liquid was found flowing out of Lake Quad? It was just some raw poison poppy contaminating the crops. Not the witch urinating on Oz. 

Frosty Flash. Today's cartoon by Rich Sparks.

Elf-mployed? Today's cartoon by Michael Shaw.

Mistletoe Jam, 2 Turd Doves, Randy Canes, and more #DisgustingDecorations on this week's trending joke game!

Presto Chomp. Today's cartoon by Drew Panckeri.

Naturally, as Gen Z you feel entitled to everything regardless.  But this settlement is directed at individuals who experienced one or more of the following: Inability to hear other points of view without freaking out. Your job title is “social media influencer”. You can’t read an entire shopping list without getting distracted. And more!

Mom's SOS. Today's cartoon by Drew Panckeri.

Could this stall be the setting of our meet cute? And more!

Election Enthusiasts. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

After forty-four years of speaking my mind, the woke mob has finally come for me. Now that my YouTube channel has been demonetized, I’ve been completely muzzled, left only with my few million podcast subscribers, two New York Times bestsellers, and this Substack newsletter. My crime? Saying what the mainstream media doesn’t want you to hear. 

I apologize to all the shoppers who were enjoying Chris Martin’s masterpiece ‘Viva La Vida’ until a robotic voice ruined the flow with, “Customer service needed in the skin care department.” But I need this body wash—and, honestly, fungal cream, as well. Once they unlock the body wash, I’m also going to ask them to unlock that case for me. I’d rather not hit that button and alert the entire store to my toe thing.

Take them to a mirror to show them the new self-love affirmations you learned on the Calm app. You go: “I am [Your name] and I am enough.” Now their turn! What a sucker! (For revealing their name, not for doing the affirmations. That shit works.)

Must be the work of The Jammer!

There should be plenty of snacks available. Unsliced cucumbers have proven very popular at my events.

Roaring Tribute. Today's cartoon by Lars Kenseth.

Kai, Marvin, Damian, Pet or Kid?

Wildlife researchers at the University of Wisconsin — Oshkosh found that nearly 50 percent of instances where a bear might charge is due to the fact that this is a coffee shop and you ordered an iced mocha. If your total is $6.50, calmly tap your card, wish the bear a pleasant rest of their day, and go about your business. However, if the screen displays a tip option, be careful not to hit 10 percent. Studies found that this will agitate the bear. 

Batman #758 Commissioner Gordon uses the Bat-Signal to ask Batman if he can borrow the cowl and cape for his weekly sex night with Mrs. Gordon.

Toddler: Speak the first, most important, and only words any female should ever use: “Yes, Father.” Take care of dolls and prepare fake meals in a plastic kitchen. Be a good girl and bring Father another real beer.

What injury? Oh, that little head bump? Nah it doesn’t hurt. Actually, I can barely feel my head. So you love cheddar cheese, right? I remembered that from our first date. See? Would a guy with head trauma remember your favorite cheese is gouda?

Pouring Possibilities. Today's cartoon by Sarah Morrissette.

I think I’ve discovered why the parks keep failing. And it’s an easy fix: Roller coasters! 

To put it simply: I’ve had a lot of time to think since falling into the clutches of Malvusta. I realized, I don’t want to be tied down. I was literally tied down for an entire year. I want to go out and see the world, have adventures, make some real connections that aren’t just with mice and swallows.

Yawn Patrol. Today's cartoon by Zack Rhodes.

Cheesegrater? I hardly know’er! Obnoxiously inappropriate coworker? I hardly know’er!

Girl Scout flag: We're out of cookies. Wisconsin flag: We're out of beer. Pineapple flag: I'm pretty sure I can talk my wife into it. And more!

Bringing a Ouija board to a seance is like bringing a lice comb to an orgy; it's bad form, just don't do it.

Men used to settle arguments with a duel to the death. They would pull out their pistols and see who could kill the other one first. Nowadays, the way men deal with conflict is by talking to each other. Have you seen this? They actually talk and listen and debate with one another. It's obscene -- go get a room!

In the future, your phone, your car, and your talking sex machine, will all speak to you in the tender-yet-bro-ish tones of Chris Pratt. Every syllable of every language will be recorded meticulously by Pratt allowing AI developers to design models of Chris Pratt’s voice for limitless uses around the globe.

Anal Bee's: I have since discovered that this should have been "anal beads" rather than "anal bees".    The former sounds pretty nice, actually.  Don't make my mistake of attempting to stuff a handful of live bees into your rectum, that's all I'm saying. 

11 a.m. Welcome Address from Our New Chancellor (Campus Center) - …And that New Chancellor could be YOU! We will have a Hunger Games-like drawing to decide who will run the college. Your responsibility will include figuring out what to do with the protests, explaining to the media AND parents our point of view (your call as to what that could be), and what we (you, again!) plan on doing going forward.

Alice's Activism in Wonderland: Upon witnessing the Red Queen’s abuse of capital punishment, Alice’s disillusionment with the monarchy only grows as she encounters the populous of Wonderland falling into unhealthy coping mechanisms, drug use, and addiction in an attempt to distract from a tyrannical, “colorblind” head of state. Alice takes matters into her own hands to usurp the powers-that-be and help everyone get on the Caterpillar’s level with some solid smoke.

The child must be older than a toddler. The problem with toddlers is that they are prone to accidents, tantrums, and so forth. The child must be younger than a middle schooler. Let’s say no older than a third grader, just to be safe. The problem with children above this age is that they start to develop opinions, attitudes, and the cleverness to say hurtful things.

Asymmetrical. His friends will FAWN over this fashionable flop-top! And more in this list by Meg Reid illustrated by Katy Maiolatesi.