Christmas Eve 1843 was a fairly good day for Scrooge, at least by his twisted standards. He'd only gotten to foreclose on three widows and hadn't kicked a single orphan, but he did get to reject a dinner invitation from his nephew Fred in a particularly brutal way and he made absolute mincemeat out of two charity chumps who foolishly came into the office, scrounging for donations.

O Horny Night, You're a Mean One, Mr. Hinge, Sad Old Broad is Coming to Town, I Want a Hypnotherapist For Christmas, and many more!

Wrap it up. Today's cartoon by Alan Rozanski.

I didn’t want this to happen. When I went to Petco and looked for the best guinea pig to defend all the other guinea pigs, I felt confident that I was walking away with the right one. But recently, some disturbing accusations have come to light. In the wake of these alleged scandals, I may be forced to do the unthinkable: Replace this guinea pig with a slightly larger, more calculated guinea pig. From a different Petco, of course. 

Quicksand Quandary. Today's cartoon by Steve Daugherty.

Bagel Meets Sweet Treats. Today's cartoon by Lindsey Budde.

Ah, I get it. Your gut is too good for me, deserving only the finest dried cow scrotum to complement a thriving colony of microplastics. Sorry that I can’t be caviar, crème brûlée, or the massive cheese block you fiendishly inhaled in bed at 3 AM. I guess there are humans unafraid to expand the frontier of edible exploration and those who suck down Skittles à la Hungry Hungry Hippos.

Dancing with the Tsars, and more!

If someone knows their high score in The Addams Family pinball game, they are a sexy costume person. (This year: A very suggestive Cousin Itt) If someone has a Snoopy tattoo, they are a silly costume person. (This year: Gumby) And more!

Elon Musk Distributing Free Keys to Recalled Tesla Cybertrucks: I’ve never understood why motorists loathe the Cybertruck. Between its angular shape, brutalist design, and various recalls (faulty accelerator pedal, faulty windshield wiper motors, and faulty trunk bed trim), it’s arguably the ideal vehicle for any given scenario. But if it’s so perfect, why does society continually reject it?

June 15: Flannel-Clad Alien Spills Pabst on Voyager Space Probe’s Golden Record: Just a week before moving out of range of human contact, Voyager 1 is found by aliens not so different from ourselves, as one in flannel spills a can of Pabst on the Golden Record. The priceless item is salvaged, thankfully, due to planet Xorbia’s few remaining record players being equipped with a rewind button for time itself. Still, gas cloud elders banish Gary to the eye of Jupiter’s storm for one year.

The Berenstain Bears' Say Their Prayers The Berenstain Bears' Want You to Say Your Prayers The Berenstain Bears' Reject the Devil’s Music The Berenstain Bears' Switch to Homeschooling And more!

I couldn't believe how fast the trip went = It was the longest two weeks of my life.

Teaching the servers to scoop just the right amount, dropping it in just the right spot on the lettuce, which, in turn, is centered in just the right spot on the toast – all this is difficult, which is why people come to Nothing But Egg Salad, the nation’s number one spot for egg salad sandwiches. 

Thursday 3:33 pm: I keep seeing people post night footage of strangers checking to see if car doors are open.  Why doesn’t anyone try the doors on my ’95 Chevrolet Cavalier?  I’ve even left the keys in it.

Whether you are looking to audition for a lead role in The Corpse Bride, play a more convincing ogre at your next Halloween gathering, or simply incur years of pinched nerves and excruciating headaches, we guarantee that you are going to deepen your understanding of this skill and its practical applications.

Social Climbing, Coattail Riding, Polo (Wearing) and more!

Son, back in my day, bizkits were limp, nary a pumpkin wasn’t smashed, and systems were actually made from a real down. Can you believe it?

There were no customers this morning. So, after dusting off the cardboard display promoting Judge Dredd, I started typing up this case on the typewriter up front, keeping one eye on the door and the register. It’s noon as I type this, and you still haven’t shown up. Think about that. There are two of us. Who is the best employee this month?

Visual: A shapely, attractive actress dressed as Lady Justice has been listening from her perch outside the court. There is a loud clatter as she drops her scales and removes her blindfold Lady Justice: Heck, even I can see what an incredible sale this will be! All: (incredulously) Lady Justice! (hearty laughter)

I can’t die yet. I need more time. Must…click…keep…watching. My regrets if I go??? Not watching Peaky Blinders. Not watching Outlander. Not watching Snowpiercer.

Premi$e$MayNotBUsed4film$hoot$ WeCountTowels DontsharethisPWDwithLocalLowlifes And more!

The role:  Friend.  Bring your A-game, as this could be the gig of a lifetime for you.  Literally. The casting directors:  My husband Rusty and myself, aiming to prove that it is possible to make new friends after the age of 40. The setting:  Our kitchen table. (Excerpts from the directors’ notes follow.)

From Fan to Champion. Today's cartoon by Michael Shaw.

Brewing Rebellion. Today's cartoon by Vaughan Tomlinson.

Fitness Fiends. Today's cartoon by Lance Risseeuw.

Howdy, Finger Sajak. I hear you love to paint, and you have nine siblings? I’m seeing a thumbs up from one of them. Alright then. You three will be going up against last week’s players. You’ve seen them around. Next tossup is worth a half hour of my time. Category is “home appliance sounds.”

It's getting to be a smaller and smaller world after all! Take the quiz!

Go to a deaf shrink, and grow bangs over your mouth. Hair is a shield that comes out of your head for free! If you can’t find a hearing-impaired therapist in your network, pick one with good ears and fire Civil War cannons next to their head for six years. For added security, headbang dandruff into their eyes.

I know you advocate downsizing as the path to joy. Then you will be happy to know, I am currently living above my friend Mark’s garage, sleeping on an inflatable mattress. Please note there is no clutter on the nightstand. There is no nightstand.

My heart is full today as I look out and see hundreds of familiar usernames. I’m honored to have the opportunity to celebrate this milestone with you all. I am excited for us to leave this Zoom meeting with our heads held high, knowing that we are the next generation of thinkers and doers. 

"Tear gas residue in classroom still causing problems with allergies." "Sent home early as punishment for requesting a book from the school library." "Militia meeting ran late." And more!

100 Most Beautiful Poops, Plus 65 more Celeb BM's, Holy Sh%T! The Pope talks poop with Poople! Dropping A Deuce With Bruce; See Why He's Called The Boss, Yes Rock, We Smell What You're Cooking! Skid Marks The Spot! Name The Celebrity Based On Their Soiled Underpants. And more in this issue of Poople Magazine!

Nelson- Oak Meadow • 3 days ago: This may seem a little random, but does anyone have any spare uranium?  My package delivery was looted by porch pirates.  My reactor will be ready to go online on Thursday and I'm short about 50 kilos. Rod - Chatsworth Palmer: My buddy might have plutonium. He used to work at the DOE. Will that work?

Hold your coffee mug up to your mouth as though you're taking a sip and leave it there until it either fills up or the meeting ends.

Draoug (noun) - One handful of beer. Könbleiben (noun) - The realization that you no longer fit into your lederhosen due to one too many draougen. And more!

The All-New Everything. Today's cartoon by Drew Panckeri.

By not agreeing to our terms, you agree to our terms. By clicking this box without reading our terms, you admit to being a first-class liar. And more!

What is with the bike bell being a faint trill? Why don’t bikes have louder horns? Bicycles are already small enough! How is a bus going to hear me if I’m coming? Who decided to give bigger vehicles bigger horns? Shouldn’t smaller vehicles have the louder horns? If people can’t see us coming, at least they can hear us. Who makes these decisions? How do I find them? It’s like nobody really cares about us cyclists.

Next we’d like to invite military personnel to board.  We’ll start with our active duty service members.  No one?  Okay, we’ll move on to veterans of the four main branches.  Only two people?  In that case, we’ll open it up to the Coast Guard, January 6 insurrectionists, and veterans of the War on Drugs, War on Women, and War on Christmas.  Thank you for your service!

Just a little poop on my jacket, it’ll wash right off. These…

Tessie Tickles: Host of the right wing podcast Tessie Gets Messy, which is less a talk show than a series of racist and /or homophobic diatribes.    So kind of like FOX News if it were broadcast from the poorly lit back porch of a lime green trailer. 

Making Healthy Choices: DO order your salad dressing on the side / DON’T order your salad dressing in a bowl with a straw

Beer Yoga: Nothing wrong with a little hair of the downward dog. You risk getting too woo-woo at these spiritual thingies unless you bring a couple cold Bud Lights to bring you back down to your Midwestern roots. Plus, the booze will deffo give you the extra confidence boost to hit that headstand at the end of class while all the other losers are laying down for that dumb sleeping part. If you can’t find a Beer Yoga class listed in your area, you can always bring a forty in a brown bag to the free park yoga class nearest you. I don’t see why everyone wouldn’t be chill with that.

Jordan: Did you hear Chris say you can compost human waste if you do it right?—I’ve known the guy my whole life and have never seen him take an interest in shit. Me: Well, it’s a sad truth that “only 24% of people in major cities know all or most of their neighbors,” Pew Research. And don’t you and Chris have to take two trains to see each other? Means you’re essentially strangers.

ConnectThor: Broadcasting from the same bedroom he's had since the fifth grade, middle aged cosplay enthusiast Jacob dresses like Thor and challenges viewers to a game of Connect Four.    Games typically devolve into fans placing bets as to how many Connect Four pieces Jacob can stuff into his own bottom.

You want me to “talk?” What’s next, I have to sing and dance? Choreograph an original musical number based on the events of my life up to this point? And then what? Novelize? Monetize? Record a best-selling audio book, foreword by Peter Bogdanovich? Adapt it for the silver screen and audition for the role of myself? Practice being myself in the mirror so I can really nail it? Is that what you want? Huh?

Ford is aware that some of the 2011-2016 Focus and Fiesta owners have concerns about the violent, horny chimpanzees that our engineers in Detroit have deliberately placed in the trunk of these automobiles. These vehicles are safe. However, for our customers' peace of mind, Ford is offering this no-charge service that reduces the potential risk of these hungry primates from entering the vehicle and aggressively satiating their carnal appetites on our customers while on the road.