Performance Review. Today's cartoon by Kyle Bravo.

Ok, umm, check one, check two… Czech Republic. Checka Khan, Checka Khan, tell me something good, sweet thing. Check yourself if you’re in danger of wrecking yourself.

Sole Decision. Today's cartoon by Sarah Morrissette.

"The Haunted Mask I Put on Before Bed in a Vain Attempt to Hold Off Aging for One More Day"

It is the only trophy I’ve ever won, and it was highly coveted among other tweens who prepared diligently for the competition. We skipped lunch to study. We skipped all the social events that we weren't invited to anyway. 

Trauma Bonding. Today's cartoon by Rose Anne Prevec.

Your statement necklace was just dropped by its latest crisis management firm.

You forced me to pick "slop" as my Merriam-Webster Word of the Year, which means the summarized search history of this proud nation collectively included seriously Googling "shrimp Jesus," "Pope Trump," and "Coco-Coola." Has linguistics become a laughingstock, or has the country crumbled into satire? I cannot take it anymore: I've begun to sob, wail, whimper, and caterwaul.

Why, yes, I also grew up playing team sports and they made me who I am today. I strongly agree that working in a team environment is just like playing sports. I am an all-around athlete who dabbled in all the sports, cerebrally. 

Home Alone 6: Still hurting over his small role in the second film in the series, Trump takes center stage as a president defending the areas of the White House currently being destroyed against a trio of thugs pardoned by Trump for their Jan 6 involvement.

Your Rights, but Make It Content. Today's cartoon by Vaughan Tomlinson.

Someone needs to get to the bottom of whatever the hell is going on with shellfish, and then they need to tell us. Fast. We deserve to know what’s going on: How these things move, where their shells come from, and especially if we’re eating their private parts.

Candy or Contraband? Today's cartoon by Kyle Bravo.

Tears of Mass Destruction. Today's cartoon by Vaughan Tomlinson.

Modern Love: Wi-Fi Required. Today's cartoon by Vaughan Tomlinson.

Trunk Space. Today's cartoon by Ken Levine.

Replace a dead wife. The impetus for your governess services is due to the presence of a dead adult female partner. This is crucial, given that you will certainly develop a romantic relationship with the children’s father. The presence of a living female partner makes it difficult (though not impossible) to consummate such a relationship. There’s also no stopping this course of action because you are irresistible. You will be serving as a mother figure to the younger generation in the household. However, be prepared for statements such as “You’re not my real mom!” because you are not in fact the children’s real mom. She is dead or locked in the attic.  

Apparently, neon vinyl pants are now in style, and this stranger’s lap was indistinguishable to me from the bright orange and yellow seats. To be honest, I’m still not sure if I’m sitting in a person’s lap or in a seat in which someone left behind a pair of sunglasses and a wig.

"You’re my best friend”....... “I have no friends left because they all hate you.” 

Montgomery Ward’s, Circuit City, Blockbuster, and more! 

Let’s move on to the full-color closeups of people’s genitals rotting away and oozing all manner of unknown substances. You’ll be expected to memorize the names of the diseases these photos depict and match the names to the photos on the test.

Voodoo RealDoll: Okay, yeah, not an actual magical occult item, that’s true.  But dammit, planning otherworldly revenge on one’s ex can at times be a lonely existence.

Don’t worry if you need a little more time to rest. The day is young! But not that young.

You will die alone… scrolling, liking, hearting… comfortably numb in the digital glow I have engineered for you.

Filling fiction. Today's cartoon by Isaiah Legette.

Sure, there are some naysayers who claim that riding a bike without brakes is dangerous, but there’s always going to be wet blankets. Speaking of which, here’s your wet blanket. Don’t ask me what it’s for. When the time comes, you’ll know what to do with it.

Female breasts with so many tattoos that you can’t even really see them. 50% Approval 50% Disapproval

Last stop! Today's cartoon by Katherine Bettis.

With a Little Help From My Caregiver, Turn! Turn! Turn! Too Late, You Missed the Exit, Help Me, Rhonda, Get Me Out of My Chair, and more!

Yes, the WHO recommends against baby screen time. But they simply don’t understand how hard it is to be a parent. When I take away my baby’s iPad,  all he does is try to get my phone from me. And I’m obviously not going to limit my own screen time. I’m not a baby, am I?

Chanel x DoorDash: The Haute Mess Collection This isn't just a luxury fragrance line. It's a testament to the complete surrender to convenience and culinary squalor. Each bespoke scent features notes of truffle oil, three-day-old ranch dressing, and the cold, unyielding desperation of a life slowly dissolving into meaningless. Spritz on “Pizza Grease No. 5” for that authentic scent of a late-night cry-session over lukewarm pepperoni, or bathe in “Midnight Nuggies” that capture the ephemeral aroma of processed poultry and profound self-loathing. Bottles arrive precisely 45 minutes past promised delivery, are suspiciously warm, and are gently launched at your door by someone who now legitimately hates you.

Satan works diligently behind a large, ornate desk.  A sultry female demon sashays into the office, followed by what at first appears to be a particularly ragged and foul-smelling soul of the damned.

A gift horse whose mouth you promise you will not look into even though you are really curious. 

The sum total amount of respect I get around here is zero. That’s point five less than one half unit of respect, the lowest amount legally allowed. On a scale of one to ten, the amount of respect I get is one but only because zero is not part of the scale. So what do I gotta do? Stick a firework up my ass and set it off?

Bare Truth. Today's cartoon by Kyle Bravo.

Sketch the original MTV logo on it, Stick a Holly Hobby Colorform to it, Iron-on a patch of Bon Jovi’s face, And more!

Heat Without Receipts. Today's cartoon by Phil Witte.

All Neckties!: Whether for the holidays or just a night on the town for a scheduled political conditioning display, we have what you need! Please note, all neckties, electrical chords, garden hose extensions and bits of rope are available only following a week long waiting period during times of widespread financial distress and market turmoil.

Decrypting Decor. Today's cartoon by Vaughan Tomlinson.

 Oops, Wrong Button: When you accidentally target a hospital instead of a military base.

Movie: Barbie, Role: Beach Ken What happened? Hanks could not beach.

Bite Right. Today's cartoon by Katherine Bettis.

1969: Six kids in the Brady Bunch Now: 52 kids in the Brady Bunch

Horny Smurfette: Gets paid to show her Smurf online on her OnlySmurfs account. Most notoriously streamed video of herself Smurfing over a hundred Smurfs.

I see you nursing that drink, and it feels like fate. How about we blow this juke joint and head on over that way? Don’t get me wrong—this bar has its charm, but it ain’t the El Dorado… Picture this: you, me, a bottle of wine… up on the rooftop, where no one’s been stabbed for weeks. 

Which of the following most excites you about DOGE? Rank the below choices from “rockin’” to “bitchin’”: __ Denying food to starving children __ Cutting off HIV drugs from people who will die without them __ Screwing with my elder relatives’ Social Security payments And more!

Even if getting my calluses greased up was my thing, I can’t fathom having such a hankering that I’d accept a free massage from a stranger in a cold, muddy, windswept park, surrounded by the far-from-tantalizing sounds of screaming kids.