Posts

CARTOON: Boxed Up

Neat and tidy. Today's cartoon by Frega DiPerri.

PSA from an Internet Troll 

“Internet trolls” need better PR. Our slogan should be something like: Providing A Pro-Bono Reality Check One Comment at a Time! Because, contrary to popular opinion, we don’t muck up the  internet. We nudge people to their senses.

Totally Straight High School News Your Administration Will Approve Of

Homecoming Court Includes No Students With Hair Dyed Purple, Choir To Put on Concert Consisting of Dave Matthews Band Discography, English Department Announces Pronouns No Longer Allowed in Student Writing, and more!

After Years Of Tireless Service And Dedication, I, Your Metabolism, Have Decided To Quietly Quit

Bid farewell to your favorite snack foods. Hungry? Satiate yourself with six almonds and a stick of celery. Welcome to flavor country, partner.

The Finalists for Mindfulness Magician of the Year!

The Great Laverne / Real Name: Etherea Sparkle / Signature Illusion: Escaping a toxic relationship.

Eloise is STILL at The Plaza 

I am Eloise. I am twenty-nine. I am an adult (ish). I STILL live at The Plaza. I know it’s not as cool to live in Midtown anymore. But my mom refuses to buy me a loft in DUMBO. Which is RAWTHER frustrating! So here I am living amongst tourists, tourists, tourists!

CARTOON: List Fits

Watch a sunrise or a thousand. Today's cartoon by Jim Shoenbill.

CARTOON: Trunk Bunk

Strife of the party. Today's cartoon by Paul Lander & Dan McConnell.

Dear Hogwarts, I Am Absolutely Begging You To Fund the Humanities 

Let’s start with hiring history professors who, unlike Professor Binns, happen to be alive. All the other ghosts at Hogwarts are either house mascots or dead students, and it’s unconscionable that we still employ a ghost to teach the humanities while Defense Against the Dark Arts, whose faculty have included a Voldemort-denier and a parasitic host for Voldemort himself, seems to get a new – breathing – teacher annually.

God Announces He Will Forgive Some Sins

Think about the prayer economy! If we forgive too many sins, then there won’t be enough prayers for salvation coming in to sustain our Saints. Plus, a lot of people wish for ice luges in their Forever Paradise in the Sky. Do you know how expensive those are? If we get an unprecedented influx of people coming into heaven, all wishing for their own personal ice luge, I’m going to have to start laying off angels.

#PotSports

Hot Boxing, Ping Bong, Kentucky Doobie, and more #PotSports on this week's trending joke game!

Quiz: Are You a Worker Under Late Stage Capitalism or a Monkey Trying to Type Shakespeare as Part of the Infinite Monkey Theorem?

Have your wages kept up with the cost of living? A. No. I haven’t received a raise in years! And my company doesn’t offer cost of living increases to keep apace with inflation, either. B. emnc fiv hj jdp38v  kig  id xivjf cxji xv  romeo

What Your Favorite Restaurant Bread Says About You

Cheesecake Factory Brown Bread and Baguettes: Congratulations, fancy pants! Is your cummerbund too tight? Much like the baguette on the table, you likely have a bunch of stuff that’s just for show in your home, like a room in your house just for sitting. 

CARTOON: Mean Clean

Sorry, can't hear you. Today's cartoon by Brian Hawes & Seth Roberts.

EXCERPT: The Complete Book of Cat Names (That Your Cat Won't Answer to, Anyway)

Basically, a baby name book but the babies were replaced by kittens. There are over 100,000 names…with about a 1,000 included in this book. The following is a sampling, in topics: Cats That Refuse To Use Litter Box: Surprises, U Kitten Me, Scat Cat. Porn Names For Cats: Kitty Kitty Bang Bang. Deep Coat, and more. Makes a purrrfect gift.

Summer Barbecue Tips from the Supreme Court of the United States

Associate Justice Neil Gorsuch: Remember to give thanks to the Lord God Himself! Since separation of church and state is no longer a thing, gather your guests of various faiths, or lack thereof, and lead them in a Christian-centric Grace. If a coach can do this on the football field of a public school, what’s stopping you from mandating it in your backyard? If you don’t, we’ll do it for you!

The 5 Stages of Grief Automated Voice Message System

Now tell me: Would you do anything to bring your friend or loved one back? If so, say “BARGAINING”. You can also say, “I’M STILL ANGRY” or throw your phone out the window. / Bargaining. / Sounds like you’re currently in a state of BARGAINING. Would you like to hear about exclusive travel deals from our sponsors? / No. / Got it. We’ll still text you with those offers after this call...

CARTOON: Hellish Terms

Devil's in the details. Today's cartoon by Jim Shoenbill

CARTOON: Airflow

Easy breezy. Today's cartoon by Mat Barton & Adam Cooper.

StreetEasy Listings From Your Broker, Edgar Allan Poe

With heat and water to mortals given - / But their electricity, without Verizon/ MUST YOU REALLY NEED THAT DOG OR CAT?/ As ample storage a plenty, uncommon as is/ Trade thy Australian Shephard for stainless steel appliances 

Historical Tinder

Frida & Diego: 2 miles away. Poly couple looking for a third. Anti-communists swipe left. And more!

Jabba the Husband

(This is Jabba the Hutt’s middle class, suburban life.  We see Jabba as a bedraggled commuter, with loosened tie, squashed fedora and a newspaper under his arm.) “What a day I had. You know that servant girl in the gold bikini?  She tried to strangle me! Then three guys and this big dog blew up my floating palace.” “Poor baby,” said his wife, Jenna the Hutt.  She gave him a big wet sloppy goopy stringy kiss on the forehead.

Grandma’s Quick & Easy Chocolate Chip Cookies and Entire Life

One Cup Sugar: In 356 BC, my Grandma, ever the socialite, found herself in the company of Alexander The Great – or as she called him, Alexander The Good Enough – and learned of this incredible new substance he had encountered during one of his campaigns: sugar. According to my Grandma, he told her it was the sweetest thing he’d ever found, to which she responded, “that’s because you hadn’t met me yet.”

Inventory List Of The FBI's Raid Of Trump

Secret identity of Q (it's Tony Danza!!) McDonalds' Grimace life size sex doll, Trump steaks made of real Trump! (mostly his mother) And more!

CARTOON: Dusty Decor

Leaning in. Today's cartoon by Lynn Hsu.

Cover Letter For a Job I Do Not Want But Need

To be completely honest with you, the idea of making money is very exciting to me. Allow me to put things into perspective for you. Last night I had a glass of water and an episode of The Sopranos for dinner. Am I painting a clear enough picture for you, employer? I need this job…I need it bad!

How to Store Fruits and Vegetables

Tomatoes: It’s best to store your tomatoes at room temp. Putting your tomatoes in the fridge will transform them into water balloons of cold, wet, vegetal sand. At this point you can blend them into gazpacho, a cold, wet, vegetal broth that you’ll piss out in 21-22 minutes.

CARTOON: Chair Care

Hot ride. Today's cartoon by Sarah Morrissette.

A Breakdown Of Where Your Weekly Church Contribution Goes

$ 195    eBay purchase of a Pop-Tart in the exact shape of the Virgin Mary. $ 125.00  Money spent to ensure that church security keeps homeless people off of church property. $ 87   3 dozen bags of marshmallows, 8 syringes of sodium pentothal for Youth Group retreat.

Unsolved Mysteries: Who’s that Lady?

This special episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” on Netflix is dedicated to understanding one of the most confounding mysteries in pop music history: Who’s that lady? You know the one. She fills our hearts and minds, brought somewhat to life through song lyrics devoid of significant detail or description.

What You Remember From Your Summer Reading Homework Based On What Kind Of Student You Were

Atlas Shrugged: Overachiever: Everything. It’s your favorite book, in a really annoying way.  Average:  Not much. You haven’t thought about the book since high school. Terrible: Nothing. You also say it’s your favorite book in a really annoying way.

Three Digit Phone Numbers to Memorize Next Time You’re in a Jam

911—Universal Emergency Services Number 311—Non-Emergency Services Number 922—Not Quite An Emergency But Also Not Quite A Non-Emergency (i.e. My Shed Is Slightly On Fire But We’ve Been Meaning To Get Rid Of It And It’s Raining Pretty Hard So…Take Your Time) Services Number

Quiz: Your Cat Or Your Teenager?

They are obsessed with primping, but seem to be allergic to showers and baths. They are perfectly content to be alone. But if you leave them alone for too long, they’ll almost certainly ruin some furniture. TEEN or CAT? Take the quiz!

CARTOON: Drain Pain

Snaked and drained. Today's cartoon by Lynn Hsu.

CARTOON: You Wish

Granted: Savings. Today's cartoon by Drew Panckeri.

CARTOON: Dog Daze

Just scratching the surface. Today's cartoon by Steve Daugherty.

Feminist Anthems Rewritten to Accurately Promote Multi-Level Marketing Schemes  

“Girl, You’re Out of Funds” (Tune: “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” by Cyndi Lauper) …Emailing, in the mornin’ light, / This work-from-home business has ruined your life./ A pyramid scam, an unfortunate one. / Oh, girl, you're out of funds… Oh, girl, you're out of funds…

Geoffrey’s Sad Clown Rental

These clowns are medicated right up to their blue-tear painted eyeballs and straight through their red noses (some of them snort depression cocaine). You name it, these clowns have been prescribed it. Zoloft, Prozac, low-doses of Morphine. The FDA has recently approved a new and very special niche medication, Klownopin.

How To Prepare Your Meal Kit Dinner in 25 Infuriating Steps: A Tutorial

Step Six: You just cut yourself. Take a minute to go grab a band-aid, and get back to hand-shelling your own peas, you wuss.

***UPDATED: Health Advisories for Outer-Space Visitors

The Intergalactic Council for Disease Control has issued new guidance for travel to Earth, relaxing some restrictions. Most travel illnesses on Earth are minor, such as thorax rash, overhydration, or motion sickness from TikTok.

CARTOON: My Four-Year-Old Rates Cups

This will effect your tip. Today's cartoon by Rachel Deutsch.

Famous Hemingway Quotes in Context

“There is no friend as loyal as a book. And there is no book as loyal as a friend. Wait. That doesn’t make sense. Barkeep, another round!” — Ernest Hemingway

ColonBroom FAQ

How long should I take ColonBroom? The feeling when I poop is nothing but the purest form of euphoria and triumph. Like Moses parting the Red Sea and leading his people out of Egypt. Like the Achaeans pouring out of the wooden horse and enveloping the streets of Troy. That moment on the brink of life and death, that point of no return when you’re still extremely nauseous from giving rectal birth to a pound of raw broccoli, but already thinking about the leftover burrito in the fridge. 

What Your Coffee Table Book Says About You

A Tattered Copy of How to Win Friends and Influence People: You’re up front about your red flags and don’t have a strong grasp on interior design. You rarely have company over, but you imagine elaborate scenarios in which you host dinner parties and your guests listen intently as you regurgitate the advice from this book. You are very charming in your mind.

Worcestershire Sauce Gone Sour from Being Ignored

No, seriously! Everyone’s heard of me, but no one actually knows what I taste like or even how to spell my name! Close your eyes and try to picture it right now. Ha! Told you! No one can spell it!

The Best Thing About Taking My Young Kids to the Pool Is Having My Balls Repeatedly Crushed By Their Feet

Ah, summer. The lazy days, the warm breezes, the crushed testicles. There’s nothing quite like unwinding after a long day in a swimming pool with that mellow, full body tingle you can only get from having your gonads savagely wrecked by a careless child’s flailing legs. 

QUIZ: Are You Talking To Your 4-Year-Old Son or Your Husband?

No snacks before dinner. Use your words. Stop playing with yourself. And more!

I Love Self-Checkout Because I Never Steal And I Always Pay For Each Of My Items Every Time

I would never place an item in the bagging area without scanning it. Even if I wave it over the barcode reader and it doesn’t read, I would never place it in the bagging area or my pocket. I would simply ask for assistance, wait my turn as other honest patrons are served, and then explain to the worker that the baby formula says it’s twice as much as it used to be and there must be some kind of mistake. 

QaDon's- American Bistro For American's Who Don't Like America

"Spend Your Independence Day Exerting Your Independence From American Values and Basic Human Decency With Our Special Fourth Of July Menu!!!" "Each of our meals is served on a paper replica of the Constitution, perfect for soaking up all of the gooey grease and spills!"

Brainstorm For Dolly Parton’s Google Doodle

The word Google but the two o’s are an image of Dolly holding her two massive, natural, milky white dinner plates. The doodle would be a callback to her former life as a waitress at Dobb’s House Restaurant before she got her big break in the music industry.

Poll: Nobody Wants to Hear About Your Dumb Dream

“OH MY GOD. I literally have six complaints on my desk from Jim in IT, Susan in Marketing, and Louis in accounting. They all called this harassment. We’ve talked to Lindsay maybe 10 times about how she can’t use company devices to email people about her dreams. She doesn’t even work here anymore! She just comes in to talk about her dreams.” —Michelle, HR

CARTOON: Crypto Cart

Probably healthier too. Today's cartoon by Dan Misdea.

Sonic The Hedgehog Tips & Tricks!!!

This level contains a hidden room where you can grab a few much-needed extra lives for later in the game.    Simply enter through the door hidden behind the wall of seaweed by creating a spin-attack to break through; behind this door is a Baptist church, where you can quickly become a member and thereby receive eternal lives through our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.   

The Life Coaching for Life Coaches’ Life Coaches Seminar Is Full

Look, time is short. Society is about collapse. We all know it. There’s only so long we can profit from this mad bottle of wasps before it blows up in all our faces. But self maximization to achieve all your goals and also the next goals you haven’t even visualized yet, are just within your reach.

Hello My So-Called Plant Sitter, Care To Explain These 45 Dead Ferns?

When I left you a voicemail asking if you could watch my ferns, and you never got back to me, I assumed your silence meant you had no questions about the intensive two-week care regimen I’d detailed. Well, apparently you had lots of questions. Given the carnage in the apartment, it’s as if you never listened to my voicemail, and spent the past two weeks in blissful ignorance, never knowing the arduous responsibility I had thrust upon you. 

CARTOON: Dark Dad

Family Secrets! Today's cartoon by Vaughan Tomlinson.

Monopoly for Millennials: The Updated Rulebook

Preparation: Each player chooses one token to represent themself while traveling around the board. Tokens include: Oat Milk, iPhone with Cracked Screen, Weed Gummy Bear, Podcast Microphone, Ill-Fitting Bridesmaid Dress (must replace after each use), Zoloft Tablet, Laughing Crying Face Emoji, Thimble - Each player starts with $1,500, but some players must give the Banker $100 every 10 minutes, in an effort to pay off their student debt. 

CARTOON: Eternally Stubborn

Mind is made up! Today's cartoon by David Ostow.

NOW CASTING: Romantic Lead For New Wave Reality Dating Show Filmed Primarily In A Sensory Deprivation Chamber

Get ready to Stockholm Syndrome your way into a dubiously legally-binding marriage with the least financially stable, most emotionally volatile, sentient pair of swim trousers you’ve ever met on our new dating show, Sex Fest Island. The twist? There’s no sex and you’re trapped 30 feet underground in a dark, dark chamber devoid of warmth or feeling. You are technically on an island, though. 

Even Though the Office Is Still Completely Engulfed in Flames, I’m Gonna Need You All to Come Back in Full Time

That said, going forward I expect everyone to come in at least 40 hours a week, which, coincidentally, is the exact amount of time that the human body can withstand such temperatures before their internal organs begin to melt. Failure to show up for the full 40 hours will be taken as your resignation.

Horror or Hallmark? 

Horror OR Hallmark: Character gets trapped somewhere they don’t want to be due to weather - a freak snow storm, for example A: Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide, he’s going to get you now…and make you his bride! ( That was an easy one. No? Still confused? Jeez, ok try a few more...)

Sedona's Bell Rock Energy Vortex Yelp Review: One Star

The only way to feel the electricity in this sacred electromagnetic hotspot is to bathe in the red dirt. But I couldn't feel anything with elderly tourists watching. They kept yelling "please stop" and "is she ok?" as I stripped to my birthday suit. I heard one woman smack her husband. Following Reddit's advice, I rubbed the sacred soil into every crevice of my face, thighs, and buttocks.... And nada!

Zillow Listing for Ted Cruz’s Special Place in Hell

Why have more than one door when you’ll never leave? This is the paradise you thought was only for other people! Every exquisite feature of this bespoke property reflects your public record. Constructed by Unhallowed Homes and occasionally materializing near Cancun...

Fake Product History: The Evolution of KY Jelly

1939 - 40 New York World's Fair-   During the first presentation of the new KY Jelly product, a large container of the jelly is accidentally spilled onto the stage, resulting in the first known instance of what eventually comes to be known as breakdancing.

Our Favorite Authors and Their Favorite Drugs

Edgar Allen Poe: Heroin, 100%. I mean this dude basically invented heroin chic. Wandering around, a gaunt little skeleton man writing about death and insanity. Birds are talking to him, he can hear hearts beating under floorboards, and he looks like he hasn’t seen sunlight in decades. 

Level With Me...How Exactly Is The Multiverse Different From Our Universe?

No chicken nuggets; instead, unicorn nuggets. There is no Star Trek, but there are still plenty of other reasons why guys can't get laid. And more!

#ColdCopShows

Thaw and Order, Chill St Blues, Coldlumbo, and more #CopCopShows on this week's trending joke game!

Modern YOLO Alternatives

IDAHO POTATO: I’m Distressed About Housing Options and Priced Out of Tons of “Affordable Town” Opportunities

Yoga Poses To Help You Feel Closer To Death

Mountain of Regret Pose: While seated, hug knees to your chest and drop your head into your legs, so that your shadow resembles a mountain. Hold it there as a way of drowning out the sounds of all your poor life choices surrounding you. Many prefer an alcoholic beverage to enhance the effects of the Mountain of Regret pose, but please exercise moderation, or you will find yourself stuck in this pose indefinitely.

CARTOON: Home Office Management

No place to hide. Today's cartoon by Len Hawkins.

Michael Bay Punches Up Classic Literature

Moby-Dick, by Herman Melville: First of all, love the title. Hilarious. Not everyone can do comedy, but Herman, you got the gift, man. Secondly, there’s some great bones in this idea. Crazy guy versus a big ass sea monster? Awesome. I dunno how I feel about it being a white whale, though. How about a giant shark? Or, better yet, some kind of alien robot that shoots lasers out of its eyes. Now we’re getting somewhere.

Senator Susan Collins Reacts to Other Sidewalk Chalk Art

I do not care for the look of this guy. What’s all the smirking about? Smells like trouble – and loitering in front of my property on top of that? I don’t think so. I want him erased. Or better yet, behind bars.

CARTOON: Cat Island

Keep looking. Today's cartoon by Catherine Martha Holmes.

#StonedSitcoms

Leave It To Reefer, Herb Your Enthusiasm, Parks & Recreational Drugs, and more #StonedSitcoms on this week's trending joke game!

Seat Guru for Kids

Submitted by Allison Haight: Row 18 is full of ancient graffiti. Fascinating reading and you can really learn a lot about the old days. They were very politically active. There is a “Foreigner Rules” scribbled on the seat. I spotted an anti-France message, “Bon Jovi Sucks.” And on the top left corner it says, “DEF LEPPARD,” written by some animal activist.

So, You’re a Scarecrow Looking to Change Professions

You’ve figured out what role to pursue and are ready to chase it - that’s great! What’s the first step? Or, in your case, the first “stand completely still”? 

Disney Unveils Plot For New “Reedy Creek Improvement District” Princess Movie

You see Creekerella recently stood behind a group of marginalized people who Fairy King DeSantis was trying to smite. Officially, Creekerella, The Reedy Creek Improvement District, and the Walt Disney Co always support marginalized people. Sometimes they just take a little time to assess the financial and political fallback, as is good business.

AGE DISCRIMINATION COMPLAINT: HANSON   V.  “THE GUYS”

This is an action seeking behavior modification and redress for damages from relentless and cumulative incidents of age discrimination. Plaintiff alleges James “Jimmy” Decker, 37; Mike “Groggy” Boulheim 35; and Geoff “Zippo” Rinaldi, 38 (“The Guys”), have treated Plaintiff differently since his 40th birthday, regarding his opinions and cultural references as “outdated and irrelevant.”

Hi, I’m Joe Pesci and I’ll Be Your Dental Hygienist Today

Seeing these gums, I gotta ask, how many times a week do you floss? Notice I didn’t ask how many times a day, because people who floss daily don’t jump and bleed as they get their teeth cleaned. So, I repeat myself, how many times? Go ahead, take your time answering while I grab a different scaler. Pick the right words, go have lunch, then get back to me. 

CARTOON: Garden of Eat'n

No brainer. Today's cartoon by Vaughan Tomlinson.

More Musk For Your Buck! Elon Musk's Planned Twitter Changes...

A special audio notification for all Twitter Platinum members, which goes off only in the event that my army of cyborg assassins is unleashed upon the unwashed masses, and allows you plenty of time to get settled into your spacious and luxurious underground bunker.

A Sea Turtle With a Plastic Straw Stuck Up Its Nose Has Some Thoughts on Recycling

And when you’re not dumping your plastic straws into my goddamn living room, you’re playing spin the bottle with the global thermostat. I mean, what’s going on? One day it’s burning up the next day it’s snowing in Texas.

CARTOON: Potty Mouth

Awareness has its draw backs. Today's cartoon by Bob Eckstein.

#RandyCandy

Reese’s C-Cups, Mike and Ike and Suzy, The Poly Rancher, and more #RandyCandy on this week's trending joke game!

CARTOON: Bagel Problems

Get him nice and toasted. Today's cartoon by Jeff Hobbs.

CARTOON: Unreal Estate

Need more space? Today's cartoon by David Ostow.

The Last Supper If Jesus Christ Was An Instagram Influencer

Dinner will be held during golden hour at 7 p.m sharp. If you are late, you will not be in the photo. A stone will be rolled in front of the door as soon as I break the bread. 

A Letter From the Easter Bunny to the World’s Candymakers, RE Upcoming Changes

This Sunday, in lieu of your fine products, each household on my distribution list will receive a special NFT (in France, an N Oeuf T): a one-of-a-kind virtual plastic egg filled with virtual candy.

An Open Letter To Whoever Is Abandoning Their Used Underwear On The Shower Towel Hook At The Gym

Towel hooks should only be used for towels, not underwear. Think I’m being too vigilant? Consider that you’ve been sweating into your skivvies for long enough that your sweat has overwhelmingly stained the fabric, transforming them into a disgusting Rorshack test. I’m not even sure if, in their current state, we can still refer to them as underwear. No, they’re more like a sweat rag with an elastic waist.

FAQ About My Brother-in-Law Absolutely Destroying My Toilet

When talking to my brother-in-law about the toilet he absolutely destroyed, I am bound by family honor. On the other hand, when sharing my experience with strangers on the internet, my allegiance lies with my felled toilet. I am handling both situations with aplomb.

Fresh Alternatives To Dying

Hahahahahahahahahahah ur KILLING me! LMFAO on my way to death! LOL omg moving west to take a job working in the mines

What To Expect When You're Expecting Extraterrestrials 

Keep It Classy-ish: If you decide to invite our friends from beyond the stars into your home for a casual chat, please do your best to make a good impression. For example, best to keep the tv off, but if you must keep it on, steer clear of things like The Bachelor and Fox News. I mean, c'mon... you're just making the rest of us look bad.

How to Live With an Aggressively Comfortable Couch

Approach the couch with caution. Do not allow the couch to make initial contact. Go about your business and refrain from reaching down to caress premium chenille or velvet fabrics. If the couch nudges or bumps you for contact, stand still and slowly turn off “The Great British Baking Show.”

CARTOON: Bald Spot

Maybe try a cold comb over? Today's cartoon by Dan Misdea.

Totally True Oscar Facts

Tom Hanks, Sean Penn, and Jack Nicholson are secretly all the same man. Disney's Dumbo is the first NC-17 film to ever be nominated. No one has ever seen The English Patient. And more!

CARTOON: Downhill

Some bad news...Today's cartoon by Bob Eckstein.

CARTOON: Sun Fun

Photosynthesis and a water please. Today's cartoon by Tyson Cole.

We Are Flowers, and We’re Here to Melt Your Fucking Face Off

Are you ready for this, my barren rock garden babies? Can you handle it? Well, then let’s go! Shrink your goddamn pupils, mother fuckers -- these savage hues are going to char your cones.

More Obscure Ways Of Bringing Back Luck

Having your nipples pierced in a construction site porta potty. And more!

Instructions For You If My Pants Are On Fire

So, my pants are on fire and I’ve handed you this card. You’re probably thinking, “Uhh, say whaaa??” Well, pull yourself together, Gilligan. Every second is critical right now.

The Shocking True Story Of Why 6 Was Afraid Of 7

The real reason 6 was afraid of 7 had little to do with 8, 9, 10, or even 11. You see 6 was afraid of 7 because 7 was 6’s bookie and 6 got in a little too deep. 

CARTOON: Hanging Out

Cute Cuticles! Today's cartoon by Lynn Hsu.

Things That Go Bundt In The Night: Treats To Terrify Your Taste Buds

Magic Ate Ball: A Magic 8 Ball covering in rich, delicious caramel and drizzled with candy sprinkles. When will you be able to pass this beast? Reply hazy.

How to Avoid Scams That Target Senior Citizens Like You and Me

Luckily, you’ve got Gus to tell you what you should be vigilant against out there. Here are the most common scams targeting seniors right this second. THE HARRY TRUMAN, BUTTERSCOTCH, ANDREWS SISTERS MARRIAGE SCAM, and more!

Florida’s ‘Don’t Say Gay’ Bill Protects Our Most Vulnerable — People Who Are Still Homophobic in 2022

Regardless of how you feel about this bill, you have to admit that it does protect a vulnerable group of people. Just like alligators, homophobic people in 2022 are Florida’s largest export to New York through the sewer system. And also like alligators, they only bite if provoked. And unprovoked. And anytime they hear any word that starts with the letters “GA.” 

You Can Be Anything You Want! And Other Lies We Tell Girls About the Professional World

Broadcast Journalist- LIE: Newsrooms are desperate for a feminist angle for their stories! TRUTH: Must be smoking hot according to the standards of a bunch of middle aged men in a conference room.

My Best Guess at What Those Six Different Vagacials Currently Offered at My Salon Are

The Zamboni *Specialty procedure. Inquire at reception. Not suitable for women under 40.

CARTOON: Medical Marvel

And he works for prize tickets. Today's cartoon by Lynn Hsu.

CARTOON: CaveTV

Early parental warnings. Today's cartoon by John Reynolds.

Queasyriders Magazine

Riding My Hog, Sick As A Dog, Food Poisoning Or Real Poisoning; How To Tell If It Was Bad Shrimp Or Your Old Lady’s Trying To Kill You, and more in this issue of Queasyriders Magazine!

All the New Rules in Major League Baseball

Baseline obstacle accounting. Beehives will be played about every four feet along both the first and third baselines, and the bees will be angry.

Questions That Couples on Love Is Blind Should Ask Next Season for Way More Successful Relationships

How many times do you typically snooze your alarm in the morning? What is the correct pronunciation of GIF? Is Die Hard a Christmas movie? Why or why not?  And more!

#DogADessert

Barklava, Terriermisu, Hound Cake, and more #DogADessert on this week's trending joke game!

CARTOON: Back To Work

Plus I'm out of coffee. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

Every Interview With a 1970s Hollywood Producer

Interviewer: Exactly how much cocaine did you do in the 1970s? *Note: Bergmann stands up, proceeds to get a ladder, and climbs to the second to last step on the ladder, so he can hold out his hand and give an accurate representation regarding the height of a mass cocaine mountain.

At the NYT Op-Ed Desk, We Pride Ourselves on a Rich Journalistic Tradition of Publishing Shit That Doesn’t Really Matter but Will Make People Mad on Twitter

We’re not in the business of making friends. We’re in the business of spitting out half-baked cancel-culture articles with no real merit or backbone that systematically reduce America’s trust in journalism institutions. We’re brave. And no one can silence us. Except ourselves.

CARTOON: Fido Fix

Tail is extra wagging. Today's cartoon by Mike Shiell.

Little Debbie's Got A FAQ For You

We had to stop making the Zebra Cakes as it's becoming more and more difficult to get the chunks of real zebra that go into each cake. I guess they're close to being extinct or something? We'll probably need to rebrand at some point, although I'll admit that something like Horse Cakes doesn't sound quite as appetizing.

Excerpt from Mick Jagger's Time in Analysis

MICK JAGGER: I can’t get no satisfaction. THERAPIST: Isn't this starting to feel a bit repetitive for you?  MICK JAGGER: I can’t get no girl reaction. THERAPIST: That doesn’t sound like what you told me in last week’s session.

I’ve Got My Online Security Locked Down

You need a credit card number? Joke’s on you, because every piece of my buying habits you get, I get a few points closer to a free scarf from Banana Republic.

#TerrifyingToys

Tragic 8 Ball, Fearby, Speak & Hell, and more #TerrifyingToys on this week's trending jokes game!

If Cyrano de Bergerac Was an Episode of Catfish: The TV Show

NEV: Dearest Catfish - I think I met the love of my life, Christian. I saw him from afar and I just knew he was the one. [Soft indie pop music plays during the voiceover] He started sending me letters and wowza—this boy is a poet! I was even telling my big-nosed cousin Cyrano about how my boyfriend was so intellectual, but then…something weird happened. I don’t know what to think anymore, and I need help! 

CARTOON: Brain Drain

Morning meeting. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

REVIEW: The Batman

It’s Emo Batman Versus the Zodiac Killer in a Reboot That—if Anything—Is Shorter Than Justice League

CARTOON: GumBalled

Waste not, want not. Today's cartoon Lynn Hsu.

CARTOON: Gruff Guru

Know the meaning of 'peace & quiet'? Today's cartoon by T.J. Mahaffey

Upcoming Family Interventions

Uncle Frank: We’ve survived three Trump Thanksgivings. What we cannot stand for is you now finding God. Location: If you get vaccinated, your favorite restaurant.

Columbo Makes His Wife a Smoothie

Now, mid-blend something dawns on me. I notice an odd ratio between frozen fruit and juice. Could it be that I’ve mixed them up? I can see by your nodding that you know me all too well. Instead of 2 cups of fruit to 1 cup of juice, I flipped it. So essentially, instead of a smoothie, I’m making you a more refined juice! Columbo, you klutz.

CARTOON: Lost & Found

Maybe an early red flag. Today's cartoon by Thomas Wykes.

Wow, I Thought I Was Having A Psychotic Episode But It Was Just That Weird Suction Noise My Water Bottle Makes

And, yes, my overactive imagination probably had something to do with it too. You know me, always getting carried away!

CARTOON: Fairy Godfather

Take your shoes, leave the cannoli. Today's cartoon by Mat Barton & Adam Cooper.

Welcome to Our Town’s Walking Tour Where We Choose to Focus on Abraham Lincoln’s Visit Here and Not That Famously Bad Thing That Happened in the 80s

Thank you for meeting me here under this lamppost at 3:30PM, and welcome to my hometown’s walking tour. As most of you know, our town is famous because – for a 22-hour period of time – our nation’s 16th president, Abraham Lincoln, stayed here. Yep, that’s what we’re known for. Nothing else. No matter what a certain HBO documentary might lay out in graphic detail. Anyway, let’s get started!

How I Met Your Show Runner

ESPN's 'How I Met Your Father's Bookie' and more "How I Met Your...' in development!

CARTOON: Muzzled Mocking

Opted Out. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

9 Interesting Facts About Babies For People Thinking About Having One

A personal frustration, but when my baby was born I was shocked to learn that he hadn’t seen any of the Rocky movies. I remember once when I was burping him in a crowded park and someone’s phone rang with “Eye of the Tiger” as the ringtone and I said to my baby “Rocky III, nice!” And I could tell based on his wide-eyes and lack of response that the little guy had no idea what I was talking about.

How Romeo and Juliet Would Have Ended if Written By Children's Authors

Judy Blume- JULIET: Are you there, God? It’s Me, Juliet. I just kissed this boy at a party and it turns out my family hates him! I should probably listen to them, but he’s so cute! Please help me decide.

What You Saw Last Night Was a Natural Expression of Love Between Two People With CPAP Machines

Sometimes, couples who share a diagnosis of obstructive sleep apnea discover that they also share an interest in experimentation with forcing pressurized air through hose delivery systems, thus accidentally revolutionizing their sex lives. We hope that one day you find someone you love this much, and when you do, you can entrust them with your heated tubing.

Swipe Left Club

Not everybody gets swiped right on dating APPs. Some people get swiped left. Chalk it up to a bad haircut, a sick fetish, or a prison record, but some people just have that certain je ne sais quoi that can only be found in books, though not bestsellers. Excerpted from SwipeLeftClub.com a new illustrated series by J.C. Duffy.

Our Valentine’s Day Prix Fixe Menu Does NOT Allow for Substitutions, Because YOU MADE A COMMITMENT TO IT 

Root Vegetable Salad: Artichoke hearts, hearts of palm, and heart-shaped beet carpaccio. You promised to eat this salad when you made the reservation; that’s a public covenant we take very seriously. Do these veggies go well together? They should. But going well together takes effort. 

Talkward w/ guest Haley McGee

This episode's guest is author and comedy performer Haley McGee! We have a wonderful chat about dating and the value of the gifts from an ex. Her new book, 'The Ex-Boyfriend Yard Sale' is out now. Check it out! http://www.haleymcgee.ca

Thank You for Inviting Me to Your Super Bowl Party, But Why is This Nothing Like Friday Night Lights?

And did that fumble happen because the player is troubled by his girlfriend’s recent betrayal? Or because his ego is out of control and he’s been lazy at practice? Until I know his underlying emotional journey, I’m struggling to give a damn, honestly.

Situations When Breakfast Cereals Other than Life Flash Before Your Eyes

Total — You’ve taken your girlfriend shopping, and after she’s brought everything up to the register, you see the amount you’ll be paying

Play FRUGLE! The New Word Game That Will Never Go Up Behind A Paywall

Call a friend and ask them to think of a five letter word but not tell you what it is. Guess the word.

You're Leaving The Playground All Wrong

Wait, why is your toddler yelling that you’re a stranger who’s trying to lure her out of the playground with candy? Did you hear that - your daughter used the word “lure.” She has a GREAT vocabulary. Oh, right, not really the point. Take her hand and start walking out of the playground. No, she shouldn’t be screaming like that. Oh wow, that’s a lot of cop cars.