Posts

Quiz: Nickname For Trump or Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream Flavor

Baby Finger, Dirt Cake, Angry Creamsicle, and more!

Rainbow Capitalism Products That Companies Confidently Assumed the Gays Would Buy During Pride Month

LA Dodgers Rainbow Nun Habit: Missing your favorite drag nuns? Buy this habit from us- the ones who uninvited them from our LGBTQ+ Pride Night in the first place!

Amazon's Choice

Amazon, you're one of the wealthiest entities on Earth, and after a nice pizza dinner, your Choice is to save a large slice of hand-tossed pepperoni in a clear triangular sleeve around your neck before going about your business like nothing is amiss.

Father’s Day Grit Guide From 3M’s Sandpaper Division

420 Grit: A dope micro-grit for the hippie dad who keeps going out to the garage to “look for something” every couple of hours.

2023 Spelling Bee Word or Weight Loss Pill

Xentermine, Probouleutic, OxiPHEX, and more!

CARTOON: Inflight Infatuation

Terrible, tawdry, takeoff! Today's cartoon by Michael Litwak.

Survival Guide For Being Shipwrecked In An Episodic TV Series

You’ll likely be lucky enough to get stranded on the only island on Earth that isn’t susceptible to tsunamis, hurricanes, or climate change at large. Your sandy beaches and shanty town made from your wreckage will remain as picturesque as ever. You actually have it better than your friends back home!   

If You Want To Make It As A Mime, You Need A Brass Pair of Balls

The people out there need mimes, it is easily people's favorite form of entertainment, so what we do matters. I know that if I don’t go out there and exaggerate every facial expression in a comical manner, the fabric of society falls apart.

CARTOON: True Hell

Plus 2 factor authentication! Today's cartoon by Vaughan Tomlinson.

If Famous Crime Movies Revolved Around Kohl's Cash

Point Break: FBI rookie Johnny Utah is tasked with catching a group of masked thieves who rob Kohl’s cashiers at gunpoint for all the Kohl’s Cash in their drawers, plus some checkout line chocolate. Utah learns the bandits are surfers and they have been robbing Kohl’s Cash so they can buy sick surfing graphic tees.

CARTOON: Screen Time

Attention spanned. Today's cartoon by Rachelle Meyer.

Truly Terrible Congressional Cost Cutting Measures

Less expensive prostitutes for out-of- town conferences. Congress looking into ways of potentially harvesting the energy created by massive book burnings. And more!

Unfortunately Fortuitous Quotes From the Animated Film Playing Down the Hall As You and Your Partner Climax

“Ready or not, I’m coming in hot!” -Paw Patrol: The Movie (2021)

CARTOON: Portal Problems

Doubt it will come up anyway. Today's cartoon by Vaughan Tomlinson.

News Briefs: Study Reveals Exposure To Life Increases Symptoms Of Depression

Plus: Filthy Christmas Doormat Finally Being Replaced By Way Overdue Spring Doormat, Wife Applies "Birthday Only" Sex Rule To Include Superhero Movies As Well, Remaining Book Club Members Sheepishly Admit The Necronomicon A Bad Idea.

Math Word Problems for Writers 

If you sell 600 paperbacks but Amazon lets customers return all of them, how much do you owe your publisher?

I Want You to Have This Book, Which I’ve Read in the Bathroom

The ideal reading experience is on paper, not a screen, because books are tactile. You can tell that this tome has been loved, and now I want to pass it along to you so that you can love it too. The evidence of its having been well-enjoyed is everywhere: Its binding is worn at the edges. Its pages are dog-eared. It has a certain scent.

How To Be A Proper Introvert: A Guide For Extroverts

Congratulations on your decision to take the first step towards changing your life. With this short course, we hope to help you feel confident replacing the chaotic, and quite frankly selfish, lifestyle of drawing your energy from interacting with other people, to a more tranquil, altruistic lifestyle of leaving others the hell alone. Our objective for this tutorial, is to help you grab the social butterfly within you, and kill it.

CARTOON: Multiverse Map

Still hard to find a bathroom. Today's cartoon by John Reynolds.

LinkedIn Through the Ages

SURREY, ENGLAND – 1502 A.D. I’ve been sitting on this news (heh) for weeks, but I’m thrilled to finally announce that I’ll be joining Richmond Palace as King Henry VII’s new Groom of the Stool! I’m a HUGE fan of the king’s small intestine, and I can’t wait to sit across from him and pick his brain while his legendary guts do their thing. Other than being a Tudor, he’s totally self-made. I’m kind of stoolstruck, tbh.

George Washington’s Secret to Glowing Skin

As part of InStyle’s history issue, we’re holding our beauty blenders up to the annals of time to examine the skincare routine of Founding Father George Washington. Your history teacher probably glossed over the fact that Georgie was known from sea-to-shining-sea for his luminous skin and microscopic pores. Keep in mind, this was several years before the popularity of electricity or Vogue’s Youtube channel.

April Fools Day Pranks For Fancy Boys

Switch the Soup Spoon and Main Course Spoon At Supper: Mother didn’t dish out thousands of pounds for eight years to a private etiquette coach for nothing! Switch the placement of Mother’s soup spoon and main course spoon before Saturday night supper with your godparents Lord and Lady Hestingforth. As refined as she is, Lady Hestingforth will surely turn pink with secondhand embarrassment when she sees the haphazard place setting of the fine China we actually use every night. You’ll surely get a spanking and stern talking to from Nanny!

CARTOON: Cash Clothes

Perfect plan. Today's cartoon by Bill Thomas.

News Briefs: Earth Feeling Like Probably Time To Deal With Human Infestation Problem

Plus: Man Surveys New Girlfriend's Apartment For Move-In Potential, Throw Pillow Despondent After Being Demoted To Basement Guest Bedroom Unsettling Amount Of Serial Killer Books For Sale At Neighbor's Garage Sale. Weekly Humorist News Briefs: Breaking News Into Little Pieces.

#SpoilASport

Beerleading, Mixed Martial Farts, Crack and Field, and more #SpilASport on this week's trending joke game!

Ten Zombie Twists That Haven’t Been Done To Death 

All the weight you’ve ever lost: Seventeen pounds through Weight Watchers, eight pounds through Noom, thirty pounds from a low-carb diet, three pounds from Covid, and six from a smoothie fast—all the fat you’ve lost over the decades is back. It has congealed into a half-ton quivering mass that oozes toward you, dead set on a reunion.

PornHub’s 2nd Most Popular Searches By State

Texas: Choking the chicken.   An actual chicken. South Carolina: CHiPs in chaps Delaware: Rubes with pubes. And more!

CARTOON: Jesus Fish

Low overhead. Today's cartoon by Michael Shaw.

The Eerie Similarities & Distinct Differences Between Cocaine Bear & Smokey the Bear

Cocaine Bear is the star of a major motion picture now in release / Despite 75 years of work in television, Smokey the Bear has never made it to the big screen and is currently seeking new representation

Newest Additions To The Cultural Lexicon

The Accidental Bidet: When the commode accidentally flushes while you're still seated, coating your private area with soiled toilet water. And more!

CARTOON: Balloon Banter

My eyes are down here. Today's cartoon by Jeffrey Curnow.

Conversations I’ve Had With My Playlist 

Undone - The Sweater Song - Weezer: If you want to destroy my sweater, pull this thread as I walk away. Me: GOD, NO! It’s gorgeous.

Alternative Names For Wisdom Teeth

Prudent Molars, Insightful Incisors, Astute Fangs, and more!

Movies In the Cocaine Bear Cinematic Universe

Alcohol Walrus, Weed Donkey, Ether Bunny, and more!

CARTOON: Ghostbusters Meet Pac-Man

A ghost of a chance. Today's cartoon by Chris Gural.

CARTOON: Lazy Achievements

The Secret to my Unsuccess. Today's cartoon by Mat Barton and Adam Cooper.

News Briefs: Dating Site For Seniors Stymied By Dial-Up Connection

Plus: Man Hides Liquor Bottle In Same Place He Used To Hide Ex-Wife’s Christmas Presents, Woman Being Baptized In River Should Have Worn A Bra, Lunch Fast Food Bag Placed In Back Seat Of Car To Make Room For Dinner Fast Food Bag.

CARTOON: Cat Person

Allergic to crying. Today's cartoon by Drew Panckeri.

CARTOON: Pop Gun

A clown has a handful! Switching to squirt! Today's cartoon by Steve Daugherty.

Wendy's Daily Planner

5:30 AM- Delete several dozen dick pics from Burger King. 6:15 AM- Spend 45 minutes getting these fucking pigtails just fucking right. 5:30 PM- Yet more bullying texts from the ghost of my Dad pretending to be Grimace. And more!

What Other Ex-Presidents & VPs Did With Classified Documents

Aaron Burr: Scribbled furiously over every “Hamilton”, Jimmy Carter: Recycled, Dick Cheney: Turned into wallpaper for secret underground mountainside soundproof bunker. And more!

Valentine’s Day Messages, as Dictated by My Kindergartner, Prior to My Suggested Edits

"Cameron. I hope you don't get sent to the cool down zone on Valentine's Day, because then you will miss the Valentine's Party." "Henry. You are so funny with your tiny little smile." And more!

CARTOON: Updated Valentine's Day Candy Hearts

The more things change...Today's cartoon by Jason Chatfield and John Ficarra.

CARTOON: Shoo Review

Rude food. Today's cartoon by Zack Rhodes.

CARTOON: Vibes

Throuple Trouble. Today's cartoon by Thomas Wykes.

Start Enjoying This Catalog You Think You’re Too Young To Get

Sure, you can put on your Clash and your Bush and your Kate Bush, but playing them on vinyl doesn’t make you young and wired. It makes you old enough to have the original albums before CDs were invented. Let’s talk tweed.

Better Ways to Lay Off Employees Than Locking Them Out of Their Email

Snail mail, delivered by an actual snail, Elaborate scroll inside the Cryptex from The Da Vinci Code, Inception, and more!

The Church of Jesus Christ of Saints Who Are Always Running Late

“Have ye inquired of the Lord? He was supposed to be here two millennia ago.” - 1 Nephi 15:8

A Camel Explains Why You Can’t Handle Dry January Like They Can

They’re not cut out for the No-2-O lifestyle that animals like me are built for so for them to make a whole month's challenge out of our lifestyle. Well, that’s just par for the course for these idiots that give mammals a bad name.

Life Recipes for Late Twentysomethings

Day-Long Hangover: Wake up cold, confused, and filled with regret. Leave ample time to rise. Add water consistently–too much at once will oversaturate. Infuse Excedrin in between painful realizations you can no longer drink without consequence. Whisk two McGriddles into your mouth while prone on your couch. Remember you have to work tomorrow.

This Year, I Did Something Special for Your Birthday

I made a documentary about you with your family and friends. Oh, the documentary turned out so well that Netflix acquired the streaming rights.

CARTOON: Sacked

You want fries with that? Today's cartoon by Drew Panckeri.

CARTOON: Storage Wars

Also let me know if you find me teeth. Today's cartoon by Bob Eckstein.

Dog Training for Cowards

Sit and Stay: Ask your dog nicely to sit. If he doesn’t do it, nervously look around to see if anyone noticed him disobeying you. If there’s no one around, pretend you never actually asked him to sit. You will learn to gaslight yourself like this. Similarly, if you ask your dog to stay and he continues to lunge or wander, you must turn it around on yourself. You stay. Stay and wonder why no one ever listens to your requests.

A Guide to Pregaming in Your 40s

EVENT: A concert that starts at 10 pm for no good reason PREGAMING: Crashing on the couch for a 20-minute snooze then inserting Dr. Scholl's insoles into your sensible boots

Lesser Known TV Content Warnings

Mild drug use, bloody scenes of horror, graphic language, rapping vampires. And more!

Notable Author Cameos in the Film Adaptations of Their Books

'Misery', 'Pet Semetary', 'Christine', 'The Running Man', 'The Shawshank Redemption'...In every adaptation of one of his books, Stephen King’s smiling face is visible in the lower left corner of the screen at all times.

#DrunkSitcoms

Brooklyn Wine Wine, S*M*A*S*H*E*D, According to Gin, and more #DrunkSitcoms on this week's trending joke game!

Welcome to the Many Seasons of TJ Maxx!

February: love is in the air. It's also in your kitchen, bathroom, and foyer. March: more leprechauns than you will ever need. April: same as March, only with rabbits. And more!

Lesser Known Characters From The Star Wars Universe

Nanneth Korv: Exotic dancer at the Death Star's gentlemen's club, The Emperor Says "No Clothes!".   Frozen in carbonite for causing Darth Vader to suffer messy embarrassment during a lap dance.

Free Titles For Your Right-Wing Memoir

'Cancel Cancel Culture: Canceling Cancelation', 'Me First and You Maybe', 'My Pride and My Prejudice', and more!

Top 20 Predictions For 2023 by Nostradamus’ Cousin Barney

Laura Ingram promises she will no longer brake for babies or kittens. Snoop Dogg will become Speaker of the House. Lincoln Center is converted into pickleball courts. And more!

CARTOON: Followers

What kind of numbers you get? Today's cartoon by Michael Litwak.

CARTOON: New Year's Steve

Your dream date has arrived. Today's cartoon by Rich Sparks.

Our Gym Would Like to Apologize for Yesterday’s “Train Like A Viking Of Skagafjörður” Workout

It has come to our attention that yesterday’s WoD (workout of the day), The Skagafjörður Viking 9000, has received universal criticism from those in attendance. In an anonymous survey sent earlier today, more than one member mentioned the class caused “explosive head trauma,”“neverending nightmares,” and “plantar fasciitis.”

God's New Year's Resolutions

Finally Fill In Grand Canyon, New Rule That Not All Dogs Go To Heaven, Find Therapist That Doesn't Accuse You Of God Complex, and more!

10 New Year’s Resolutions Jason Definitely Wants Me to Keep This Year

I will sign up for an advanced crochet class to keep my hands busy during Jason’s softball practice (which is every Tuesday and Thursday). I will go to the gym, but only the one where the local softball team, the Beavers, work out. I will not let my past failures to become Jason’s girlfriend define me. And more!

CARTOON: Elf Problems

Back in the toy shop. Today's cartoon by Mat Barton & Adam Cooper.

CARTOON: Happy Hellidays

Saw that coming. Today's cartoon by Vaughan Tomlinson.

CARTOON: Gunny Grandma

Someone's been naughty. Today's cartoon by Bob Eckstein.

Christmas Song Lyrics that Go Hard to Sell You a New or Preowned Vehicle

“We need a little Christmas right this very minute,” and you need a rebuilt aftermarket Hyundai Sonata in your driveway ASAP. A giant red velvet bow will cover most of the hail damage. (Bow sold separately.)

Mrs. Claus' Dec 24th To Do (While Santa Is Away) List

Place Frosty's magic hat onto life-sized cardboard cut-out of Brad Pitt, hope for the best. Hose out Santa's "Naughty Dungeon". Deep down, he's a good man; we all have our vices. And more!

Power Ranking The Best and Worst Mall Santa Laps For My Children 

#3 McKinley Mall: There was something off about this mall Santa but I couldn’t put my finger on it. So I placed my two cheeks on his lifeless lap and from that second I knew: this mall Santa was dead. Yep, a corpse dressed up in a Santa suit. It’s pretty unclear whether he died on the job or they had a hard time filling the role this Christmas season.

Financial Terms, According To My Teenager

Gross Margin: Penis doodles along the edges of your Great Expectations book. Margin Call: The phone call your parent receives after the teacher spots your Gross Margin. And more!

FOOD & WHINE Magazine: Captured by the Holidays Issue

The 12 Days of Crisis, Holding A Fudge Grudge, Drunk Uncle Or Eccentric Relative: How Large Is The Will? and more in Food & Whine Magazine: Captured by the Holidays Issue!

CARTOON: Parents Plans

See you in 15-20. Today's cartoon by Drew Panckeri.

CARTOON: Full Frontal

Backless is in. Today's cartoon by Nathan Cooper.

TRANSCRIPT: The Official Country Crock Podcast w/ guest The Grinch

The Official Country Crock Podcast, which typically limits it's topics of discussion to their line of buttery spreads, for unknown reasons spent a recent portion of their show interviewing The Grinch.  Below is the transcript of that talk.

We at the Bob Committee Are Here to Diversify Your Company

Finding a replacement CEO can be stressful. For every million dollar salary and annual incentive-based award of $25 million, there are very few candidates who are right for the job. It’s a challenge we at the Bob Committee know well. From Bob I. to Bob C. back to Bob I., we are here to help diversify your company with white men over 60 named Bob.

9 Classic Cocktails for Dreaded Family Gatherings

Old Fashioned Passive Aggressive Barb: Served by your mother-in-law, this multi-layered concoction includes everything from your parenting choices to the fact you use avocado based mayonnaise and returned a shower gift nine years ago. Top with a maraschino cherry, unless that’s “not organic” enough for you.

The Final Diary Entries From the Turkey That The President Did Not Pardon

Just as I begin to feel at peace with my impending death, I think about the turkey that the president is pardoning tomorrow. It isn’t fair. I don’t even know who it is yet, but it isn’t fair. If it’s Marvin and his ball sack-looking ass neck I’m gonna scream.

Our Family Faces Many Challenges Inside This Closed Garage

OK, honey, we get it. You’re saying that the issue of the rising CO1 levels in our closed garage is very important to you. And we appreciate that you’re passionate about it. Try to remember that everyone in this minivan has issues that we care about and think are very important. They can’t all be first, so let’s take them one at a time, OK, sweet pea? Good.

CARTOON: Dominatrix Divorce

Bad hurt, not good hurt. Today's cartoon by Ivan Ehlers and Kit Lively.

Things Not To Ask Your Doctor About

P.E. ( Pasta Elbow) P.A.B ( Passive Aggressive Breathing while sleeping) and more things to not ask your doctor about.

Twitter.com's Exchanges & Returns

Before you publicly announce your intention to purchase this long standing social media site please be sure of the following: Log onto Twitter and ask yourself, "Do I want this?" I mean it. Open Twitter and actually say out loud, "Do I want to be the owner of this nightmare?"

Fight Or Flight Or Flex

You’re walking along and you see a house engulfed in flames. Fight: You immediately run into the house and rescue the family trapped inside. Flight: You get out of the way, giving firefighters space to rescue the family trapped inside. Flex: You rip your shirt off and flex really hard at the house fire with the family trapped inside.

CARTOON: Size Matters

Maybe something with stripes? Today's cartoon Nick Downes.

CARTOON: Quit Quitting

Or loud layoffs? Today's cartoon by Lance Hansen and Rebecca Clifton.

As the Mechanic Who Changed Your Tires, if the Car Goes 100 Mph I’ll Take All the Credit, but if the Wheels Fall Off You Can’t Blame Me

I’m not saying the wheels are going to fly off your car, but I’m also not saying that. You can’t blame me that Jimmy’s mom Susan came in wearing a new blouse from Kohl’s and I got a little distracted. She just got out of the hospital last week. Looking real fine for 97.

I’m the Cologuard Box, and I Can Diagnose your Personality Disorder

Who takes a cute little box with a face and limbs and rips him open to insert poop? I’ll tell you who–people with problems. Which is why I’m now equipped to tell you what’s wrong with your personality. And believe me, there is something wrong with you. You’re pooping in a box.

CARTOON: Spacey Housing Market

That shack on Mars looks like a gift. Today's cartoon by Frega DiPerri.

Looming Threat of a Recession? Here's 8 Surefire Money Saving Tips!

Make Showering Dates: What better way to get to know that causal Facebook acquaintance or neighbor than to ask to use their shower? One look into their bathroom cabinet and you’ll find everything you need to know about them (even painfully intimate details). And, not only will you save on your water bill by racking up theirs, you’ll increasing your lifespan! Studies show people with more social connections live longer!

I Am Happy with My Choice to Remain Childless. Also, Call Me “Uncle Jon.” You Must Care for Me When I Am Old. 

Your purpose isn’t to please your parents. It’s to find your own bliss, whether that comes from bar trivia, travel to destinations that allow you to bring your dog, or covering my rent once I’m too old to work but haven’t amassed a large enough 401(k) to last through retirement.

Transcript From The Recent Emergency Meeting Of The Multiversal Council Of Kanyes

Kanye Earth 27- I call to order this emergency meeting of the multiversal Council Of Kanyes. Very sorry about the last minute notice, but I'm sure that we can all agree that things are getting out of control quickly. Kanye Earth XND- Jesus Florglatz, what has he done now?

#RevoltingRockBands

Death Scab For Cutie, R.E. Phlegm, Gangrene Day, and more #RevoltingRockBands on this week's trending joke game!

Introducing The Royal Court of Anxiety

Oh dear. I am the queen mother of my daughter hasn’t texted back today and I think it’s probably botulism. And more!

Spoiled: A Visual Diary of Compromised Groceries

I left my fridge cracked open all night. Please do not judge me. It was very much an accident and I very much need your help. In our current apocalypse, I can’t afford to throw out anything unnecessarily. After all, groceries are gold, and we will soon be forced to use soft cheeses and gluten free English muffins to barter with Bezo-Muskians for safe passage off Earth! Is it spoiled?

'So Your Fiancée Woke Up with a Pumpkin Head, Now What?'

Now that there’s a huge pumpkin head walking around your house - meals are going to be a little trickier than normal. If however you eat all of your meals alone while hiding in a closet then please, skip this step. Food is going to be a problem because your lover has no way of eating it - she just has three goofy teeth and no jaw motion whatsoever.

Spooky High is Closing

For more than 200 years, Spooky High has been the preeminent educational facility in this area for young monsters, supernatural entities, and horrifying creatures, all seeking to learn in a safe environment free from the persecutions and distractions of the mainstream world. Our alumni are world-renowned, including the Frankenstein creation, six generations of Blobs, all seven Mummy siblings, and a real zombie who was in the “Thriller” video.

Kit Quickie- QAnyms: QAnon Acronyms

Queasily Affirms Nostradamus’ Own Nightmares, Quashing America’s Nicely Organized Nation, and a couple more.

Vegetable-Inspired Halloween Candy No One Wants 

Jolly Radishes, Sour Patch Kales, York Bell Peppermint Patties, M&Ms (Mushrooms & Mushrooms) and more!

I’m Sorry for Wearing a Sexy Nurse Costume to Your Event But It’s Kinda Your Fault for Having It Close to Halloween

I’m sorry I invited 10 random people to your private family and friends shindig and told them it was going to be a rager. I’m sorry they showed up.

Rejected Netflix Dahmer Series Promotional Materials

If You Can Read This, Jeffrey Dahmer Didn't Eat Your Eyeballs bumper sticker. Dahmer's vegetarian surprise recipe (made totally from a vegetarian). And sadly, more!

I, Michael Myers, Want a Restraining Order Against Laurie Strode

I’ve been shot, stabbed, lit on fire, poked through the eye with a wire hanger — the list goes on. All have been her doing. Other acts of violence have been outright demeaning as well. Just last year, while a vicious mob had me surrounded in the street, some old lady struck me with, of all things, an iron. Like I’m just one big joke.

I Will No Longer Unsubscribe

Just for fun, I post my social security number on Reddit. I change all my passwords to “whatever,” and my security questions to Highlights Magazine word-searches. I change my political affiliation to “undecided, seeking suggestions.” I start trials on every streaming service, even fake ones like Paramount+. Like an unsupervised child, I allow any and all cookies. I haven’t cleared my cache in weeks and yet, mentally, I’ve never been clearer. Instead of URL I see “You are loved.”

How Not to Come to Terms with Your Unread Books in Twenty-Five Steps

1) Most were purchased at your local independent bookstore. Take pride that you’ve supported a small business during a pandemic. Remind self that store is currently doing fine, and no more books are needed for now. 2) See books you bought Tuesday and Wednesday. Realize you should have written out step one on Monday...

CARTOON: Over it Outfit

Last Lewks. Today's cartoon by Eric Kofman.

CARTOON: Today's Special

aMAZing. Today's cartoon by Cerise Zelenetz.

Lesser-Known Quitting Styles

Tom Brady Quitting: You announce your retirement, spend 40 days at home with three kids, and then announce your comeback. 

How to Hold Your Therapist’s Attention

Paint a Pretty Picture: Describe the people in your life as more attractive than they are. A good-looking cast begets a good, listening therapist. Vividly detail stunning features, exotic locales, and witty repartee. Consider giving your characters catchphrases. For example: “Now that’s what I call a doughnut, volume cake!” It makes sense in context.

Things People Say to Writers Translated

"You wrote a book! How exciting!" (Oh you poor delusional fool!) “Where do you get your ideas?” (You seem so dull in real life.) “Will I recognize any of the characters?” (Am I in it and can I sue you? )

CARTOON: Hairy Heist

The night is ours! Today's cartoon by Drew Panckeri.

CARTOON: Most Toxic?

Not even close Gary, not even close. Today's cartoon by Lynn Hsu.

CARTOON: Bulls Blood

The red wine was a mistake. Today's cartoon by Vaughan Tomlinson,

Just Desserts (Revenge Bakery Menu)

Key Lyme Disease Pie, Carrot Top Cake, S'ores, and more!

Pool Rules for Dan

No peeing in the pool. No bodily fluids of any kind at any time. So stop getting in the pool after you’ve had three Coronas, Dan. And keep your snot-nosed kids out of the water too. They scare me. The older one said he knows how I’m going to die. 

The Many Nicknames of William Shakespeare

Willy Slickspeare, The Merchant of Menace, King Fear, The Dean of PG-13, and more!

Non-Sexist Things That Bros Come Before

Cloves: Don’t even think about prioritizing these dried aromatic buds over your real buds. It doesn’t matter if you’ve watched a YouTube video titled The 8 Surprising Health Benefits of Cloves. Repeat after me: “Bros before cloves!”

CARTOON: Slurrrp

Wine not? Today's cartoon by Cerise Zelentz.

CARTOON: Feeding Time

Don't forget the Tabasco! Today's cartoon by Tyson Cole.

For Dummies By Dummies

That is why we’ve developed a new series, For Dummies By Dummies ®.  In each For Dummies By Dummies ® book, we have real, unqualified lay people posing as experts writing to other real, unqualified lay people in a way that is both relatable and completely unreliable. Join us in celebrating some of our newest titles!

A Modern Guide To Translating Small Talk

"Pretty chilly today!" usually means "The army of rabid weasels that I control with my mind can be here before you have a chance to remove me from these premises."

COMIC: Captain F#%cked Planet

Captain Planet is looking for a new planet to save, this one is cooked.

As A Mason Jar, I’ve Had Enough of These Barn Weddings

Do you ever feel like you had a specific purpose in life, but then you were called to do something different? And it doesn’t feel right? Recently I was visiting my cousin, Ball, who’s been upcycled as a trendy, country-chic soap dispenser. He never knew he was going to become a trendy, country-chic soap dispenser, but he said he feels like his life is full.

At UnitedHealthcare We’re Addressing Your Medical Expense Concerns By Ignoring You and Redesigning Our Website

Instead of tying up health providers with your selfish medical dilemmas, have you tried typing your symptoms into WebMD and begging your loving God for mercy? Prayers don’t cost anything. Maybe try praying more and leave those doctors and nurses alone. They’re way too busy trying to navigate our labyrinthine reimbursement policies.

Thank You For Listening To Our Podcast!

And of course, Kate, we have to thank our fans. As two born-and-raised Californians, we couldn’t insert ourselves into Keystone local politics, sift through heaps of data you have no way of knowing were gathered accurately or ethically, and break it all down for you in-between absolutely incessant bickering week after week without listenership analytics that keep our production company happy.

CARTOON: Later Skater

Weak End. Today's cartoon by Mat Barton & Adam Cooper.

CARTOON: No Escape No Problem

A-maze-ing. Today's cartoon by Pardis Parker and Aria Ghalili.

CARTOON: Boxed Up

Neat and tidy. Today's cartoon by Frega DiPerri.

PSA from an Internet Troll 

“Internet trolls” need better PR. Our slogan should be something like: Providing A Pro-Bono Reality Check One Comment at a Time! Because, contrary to popular opinion, we don’t muck up the  internet. We nudge people to their senses.

Totally Straight High School News Your Administration Will Approve Of

Homecoming Court Includes No Students With Hair Dyed Purple, Choir To Put on Concert Consisting of Dave Matthews Band Discography, English Department Announces Pronouns No Longer Allowed in Student Writing, and more!

After Years Of Tireless Service And Dedication, I, Your Metabolism, Have Decided To Quietly Quit

Bid farewell to your favorite snack foods. Hungry? Satiate yourself with six almonds and a stick of celery. Welcome to flavor country, partner.

The Finalists for Mindfulness Magician of the Year!

The Great Laverne / Real Name: Etherea Sparkle / Signature Illusion: Escaping a toxic relationship.

Eloise is STILL at The Plaza 

I am Eloise. I am twenty-nine. I am an adult (ish). I STILL live at The Plaza. I know it’s not as cool to live in Midtown anymore. But my mom refuses to buy me a loft in DUMBO. Which is RAWTHER frustrating! So here I am living amongst tourists, tourists, tourists!

CARTOON: List Fits

Watch a sunrise or a thousand. Today's cartoon by Jim Shoenbill.

CARTOON: Trunk Bunk

Strife of the party. Today's cartoon by Paul Lander & Dan McConnell.

Dear Hogwarts, I Am Absolutely Begging You To Fund the Humanities 

Let’s start with hiring history professors who, unlike Professor Binns, happen to be alive. All the other ghosts at Hogwarts are either house mascots or dead students, and it’s unconscionable that we still employ a ghost to teach the humanities while Defense Against the Dark Arts, whose faculty have included a Voldemort-denier and a parasitic host for Voldemort himself, seems to get a new – breathing – teacher annually.

God Announces He Will Forgive Some Sins

Think about the prayer economy! If we forgive too many sins, then there won’t be enough prayers for salvation coming in to sustain our Saints. Plus, a lot of people wish for ice luges in their Forever Paradise in the Sky. Do you know how expensive those are? If we get an unprecedented influx of people coming into heaven, all wishing for their own personal ice luge, I’m going to have to start laying off angels.

#PotSports

Hot Boxing, Ping Bong, Kentucky Doobie, and more #PotSports on this week's trending joke game!

Quiz: Are You a Worker Under Late Stage Capitalism or a Monkey Trying to Type Shakespeare as Part of the Infinite Monkey Theorem?

Have your wages kept up with the cost of living? A. No. I haven’t received a raise in years! And my company doesn’t offer cost of living increases to keep apace with inflation, either. B. emnc fiv hj jdp38v  kig  id xivjf cxji xv  romeo

What Your Favorite Restaurant Bread Says About You

Cheesecake Factory Brown Bread and Baguettes: Congratulations, fancy pants! Is your cummerbund too tight? Much like the baguette on the table, you likely have a bunch of stuff that’s just for show in your home, like a room in your house just for sitting. 

CARTOON: Mean Clean

Sorry, can't hear you. Today's cartoon by Brian Hawes & Seth Roberts.

EXCERPT: The Complete Book of Cat Names (That Your Cat Won't Answer to, Anyway)

Basically, a baby name book but the babies were replaced by kittens. There are over 100,000 names…with about a 1,000 included in this book. The following is a sampling, in topics: Cats That Refuse To Use Litter Box: Surprises, U Kitten Me, Scat Cat. Porn Names For Cats: Kitty Kitty Bang Bang. Deep Coat, and more. Makes a purrrfect gift.

Summer Barbecue Tips from the Supreme Court of the United States

Associate Justice Neil Gorsuch: Remember to give thanks to the Lord God Himself! Since separation of church and state is no longer a thing, gather your guests of various faiths, or lack thereof, and lead them in a Christian-centric Grace. If a coach can do this on the football field of a public school, what’s stopping you from mandating it in your backyard? If you don’t, we’ll do it for you!