Posts

Situations When Breakfast Cereals Other than Life Flash Before Your Eyes

Total — You’ve taken your girlfriend shopping, and after she’s brought everything up to the register, you see the amount you’ll be paying

Play FRUGLE! The New Word Game That Will Never Go Up Behind A Paywall

Call a friend and ask them to think of a five letter word but not tell you what it is. Guess the word.

You're Leaving The Playground All Wrong

Wait, why is your toddler yelling that you’re a stranger who’s trying to lure her out of the playground with candy? Did you hear that - your daughter used the word “lure.” She has a GREAT vocabulary. Oh, right, not really the point. Take her hand and start walking out of the playground. No, she shouldn’t be screaming like that. Oh wow, that’s a lot of cop cars. 

CARTOON: Sweat Treats

Words matter. Today's cartoon by Vaughan Tomlinson

Enjoy Your Weekly Humorist Article, Hartford

Hartford’s area codes are 860 and 959: Whenever someone talks about “life in the 860 or 959,” if that’s something they do, maybe that’s what they’re talking about. I’m not sure what slang terms Hartford folk use to discuss their city.

Updates on Your Dad’s New Year’s Resolutions

I'm already so much better looking than all of my friends, do I really want to be in better shape, too? I tried flossing every day, but you said I was embarrassing you in front of your friends. And more!

CARTOON: World Wide Worst

Starts somewhere. Today's cartoon by Drew Panckeri.

CARTOON: Chopped

Give the chef a hand. Today's cartoon by Michael Shaw.

Quiz: Pokémon or Cryptocurrency

Shiba Inu, Gordor, Tezos: Which is Pokémon OR Crypto?

CARTOON: Punk Wash

Metal on the inside. Today's cartoon by Grayson Gibbs.

#DisgustingDisneyMovies

The Little Sperm Maid, Seeping Booty, Beauty and the Yeast and more #DisgustingDisneyMovies on this week's trending joke game!

It’s My Job as Governor to Protect Florida From the Ever-Encroaching Threat of Self Awareness

The real virus sweeping the nation is self-awareness. As a lawmaker in the great state of Florida, it is my duty to the people to protect them (white) from ever wondering, even for a second, why grandpa changed the channel every time Family Matters came on. 

An Update on the Oompa Loompa Unionizing Efforts

What Do We Want? Hazard pay for experimental candy testers, a properly sanitized chocolate meadow, bathroom breaks, commuting access to the Wonkavator, yearly cost of living increases, one guaranteed sick day each, and to be paid henceforth in pound sterling, not cocoa beans. We are sick of cocoa beans.

Most Common FAQ for Wummies Weed Gummies

"Is it advisable to take a gummy before going out to have dinner with friends? And are they really my friends? Why are they all looking at me like that? And why is the waiter trying to read my mind?"

CARTOON: Magic Medical

But is THIS your card? Today's cartoon by Vaughan Tomlinson.

CARTOON: Competition

Expanding reach. Today's cartoon by Mat Barton & Adam Cooper.

We Are Here To Inform You That Our Queen Cover Band Only Plays ‘Crazy Little Thing Called Love'

When you come to view us we hope that you will respect that for 80 mins you will only hear various versions of the 1979 hit, and we would appreciate it if you don’t yell out other song requests.

CARTOON: Dusty Duds

It's a classic! Today's cartoon by Dan Misdea.

New Dating Apps That Hopefully No One Will Ever Need

Fist A Cyst, Raunch Dressing, Insurrection Erection, and more!

Aggressive Optical Illusions

Is this a perfect square? Or is perfection a foreign concept to someone like you?

A Viewer’s Guide to What Would Have Been the 79th Annual Golden Globes

A moment will occur, which people will talk about on social media and meme to high heaven. Most likely a saucy comment made by a British winner or a funny face made by an awkward bystander that is up on stage but doesn’t get to speak into the microphone.

Shiv Roy’s Tips for How To #GirlBoss Your Way Through Losing Control of the Family Company

Don’t Trust Anybody: When shit’s falling apart, don’t trust anybody. Don’t trust your friends, don’t trust your mother, don’t trust your husband. If you’re going to trust anyone, only trust me when I say not to trust anyone. And more!

My Proudest Accomplishments From 2021

Used my 401k to purchase land and develop a nudist community for those with psoriasis called Flakey Acres.

QUIZ: Do You Have a Celebrity Crush or an Unhealthy Attraction to Sexy Psychopaths?

Which of the following do you fantasize about? a. A night of hot sex with the actor who portrays the villain, being fully aware that you may never see him again, and he may not remember your name. b. A night of hot sex with the villain (you know he’ll never kink-shame you) being fully aware that he may forgo a postcoital cuddle in favor of sneaking out to perform assorted evil deeds

CARTOON: Snow Plowed

Icy implants. Today's cartoon by Nathan Cooper.

Santa’s Most Surprisingly Requested Gifts

This Is Not A Vibrator!  Personal Massager: Comes packaged in a container with “This Is Not A Vibrator!” printed in bold type to let the others celebrating the holiday with you know that, in no uncertain terms, this personal massager is definitely not going to be used as a mechanical penis.

I’m a Christmas Elf and There’s Nothing Festive About My Legs Dangling From This Car’s Trunk

In a disheartening and disgusting twist of fate, it seems people are actually amused by the site of my nearly severed legs flapping helplessly in the wind. It taunts me to hear people’s giddy reactions to my plight: “Oh my gosh, look at those adorable elf legs! Isn’t that cute, they’re sticking out from the trunk. How festive!” What’s wrong with you, can’t you see I need help?

Seven Festive Medleys For the 2021 Holiday Season

You better watch out/ You better not fly/ You better mask up/ I’m telling you why/ Omicron is coming to town.

CARTOON: Rock Star

B.C. Business. Today's cartoon by Shannon Wheeler.

CARTOON: Dog Classless

New on streaming. Today's cartoon by Mat Barton and Adam Cooper.

To Say Hi to Someone You Recognize On The Street, or Not?

While walking your dog in the park, you swear you see a person from your weekly adult dance class walking her dog nearby: DO YOU: Your dog is the perfect excuse to walk a little closer to see if it’s an acquaintance with whom you can share a polite greeting. OR Now’s the perfect time to pop open your false tooth and bite into the cyanide pill you’ve been storing for this exact scenario.

Assertiveness Training for Geese

At H.O.N.K., we believe in equality. A bold vision of a future in which all humans are equally terrified of geese. Where geese hold our rightful place at the top of the New Jersey Merrill Lynch corporate headquarters artificial pond food-chain. We are facilitating a 360-degree rebrand on the whole goose and nothing but the goose.

I’m The Cookie Monster And It’s Time I Stop Limiting Myself In Terms Of Cookies

I’ve spent my entire existence being hyper-transfixed on one particular snack, a snack that’s evolved. It’s like I was living under a rock, a rock-hard chocolate chip cookie that’s been baked too long that I could barely chew with my non-existent teeth.

Beware of Humans at the Dog Park

The Anti-Neuterer: Refusing to “fix" their male dogs, seemingly proud of their descended testicles swaying in the wind. Subsequently, Fido winds up humping everything in sight, no matter the gender or species. If only more humans listened to Bob Barker’s advice.

Children’s Book Ideas For Bored, Out-Of-Touch Celebrities

Little House on the Canaries, Martha Speaks to the Manager, The Very Hungry IRS, and more!

CARTOON: Spy Guy

Free streaming. Today's cartoon by Shannon Wheeler.

CARTOON: Cyber Monday

Shocking excitement! Today's cartoon by Tyson Cole.

CARTOON: Sign Fines

Misdirections. Today's cartoon by Bill Thomas.

CARTOON: Shock Shlock

What would become to be known as the lowest point. Today's cartoon by Jeffrey Curnow.

Straight Guys: Love 3-in-1 Shampoo, Conditioner & Body Wash? Meet Your New Must-Haves

5-in-1 Scented Spray: Cologne, Air Freshener, Deodorant, Detergent & Breath Spray. When it comes to strong, masculine scents, here is the truth most people won’t tell you: more is more.

Thrilling Thanksgiving Thrillers!!!

Gone Gravy Gone, The Fat & The Furious, The Hunt For Red Wine In November, and more!

The Forbes 10 Under 10

If you’ve driven around the greater Houston area over the past few months, undoubtedly you’ve noticed that there’s a new playboy in the midst. Donning sunglasses with blue flames and traveling at speeds upwards of 5 MPH, Matthew “Matty” James has quickly become one of the most influential four year olds in town.

Top Reasons Cited For Not Showing Up To The January 6th Committee

Back-to-back vice-presidential briefings for JFK Jr , Totally booked between Pro-Life rallies and secret abortions, and more!

No, I Don’t Have A Gambling Problem And Here’s My Bank Statement From My Family Trip To The Carnival To Prove It

Milk bottle game: –$3 Milk bottle game: –$3 Milk bottle game: –$3 Attempt to pay off the carnival game worker: –$25

I Must Regretfully Decline Your Invitation to Beef

My enemies list is highly exclusive and that membership has been closed since you were an ill-considered gleam in your whiskey-addled father’s eye.

Snap, Crackle, Pop, Slurp: An Oral History

SNAP: All was going well. Kellogg’s was happy. CRACKLE: But Slurp was really hitting the milk hard. It started with Skim, but he was on Whole benders soon enough.

CARTOON: Shell Game

Don't get so steamed! Today's cartoon by Mat Barton & Adam Cooper.

The Online Reviews I’m Endlessly Scrolling to Find

Finally: The Most Comfortable Pants In The World That No One Will Say Look Comfortable: I’ve worn these outside the house at least twenty different times and not one person (knock on wood) has said, “I like your pants, they look super comfortable.” Instead, they just say the first part of that sentence and then stop. I am amazed!

CARTOON: BatFail

I can also Batsplain to you about BatCoin! Today's cartoon by Shannon Wheeler.

CARTOON: Frown Clown

Thats why your nose is so red. Today's cartoon by Scott Masear.

Reasons That I'm Not Coming To Your Baby Shower

You're not having a baby;  you're considering maybe buying an iguana when you get your tax refund next year.     Look, that's great and all, but I'm not going to help you buy iguana-chow or whatever.    You still live at home with your parents, con them into paying for the damned thing.

Amendments to Your Wedding Guest List From Your Mom

Remove: The Caterers You’ve Hired: Tell them they won’t be needed, or welcome. Your Nonna said she would take care of all the food and that a family meal would be her wedding gift. She’ll unfortunately be stirring the gravy during your ceremony, so you’ll have to get married again at a later date for her to watch. Maybe the second time can be in a church instead of on some bucolic estate?

CARTOON: Goals

Settling. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

How To Do The Impossible: Getting Water Out of a Tire

Build a tire swing and swing all the way around the branch, Add cheese sauce mix, 1 tablespoon of butter, boiled noodles, and eat mac ’n’ cheese out of the tire, Turn tire inside out with the help of an orangutan

The Rules of Baseball Caps

Let’s say the cap in question is an Expos cap. If someone else utters “Go Expos” or a similar phrase, you must express return excitement verbally or via a gesture. The sound or gesture must be such that a typical, rational person would interpret it as a sign of enthusiasm.

CARTOON: Good Grief

Was it fun-sized? Today's cartoon by Dalton Vaughn.

CARTOON: Witched Guest

podCAST a spell? Today's cartoon by Jeremy Nguyen.

The Email Graveyard

95,000 LinkedIn updates, That article you're going to read someday soon, Response to the email about setting up a playdate with a kid you don't know, and more!

Your Guide To Being A Spookily Great HalloWingman: Tips On Helping Your Buddy Get The Most, Best Candy While Trick Or Treating

It's a mistake to appear too eager! Have your friend play it cool and hang back from the crowd a bit. The person handing out treats will be intrigued by the indifference, and your friend may end up with a couple of extra fun-size Twix bars in his bag.

Little-Known Backstories of Misunderstood Halloween Candies

A great treat for kids who are too young to smoke, but still want to look cool. The candy cigarette paved the way for the invention of candy chewing tobacco, and candy nicotine patches. These are hard to find nowadays -  tobacco companies want kids to vape, anyway!

CARTOON: Drilled

Open wide and say PAY....Today's cartoon by Harley Schwadron.

“Swamp Monster Makeovers: Fabulous Species-Defying Transformations to Win Friends and Confuse People” An Excerpt from How to Survive a Human Attack: A Guide for Werewolves, Mummies, Cyborgs, Ghosts, Nuclear Mutants, and Other Movie Monsters by K.E. Flann

HAVE YOU NOTICED an influx of fashionistas in your neigh­borhood? These newcomers and their fabulous everyday infinity scarves are so intriguing that you’ve already snatched a few strang­ers from their research vessel. But even though you were raised by alligators or gestated in a nuclear cooling pool, you understand that these encounters have not been on point.

Humdrum Horror Hobbies

When he's not stabbing and slashing in an effort to transfer his soul into a human body, Chucky loves tormenting others by working the call center at several telemarketing and bill collection companies.

Gregor Samsa Returns to Work

I want you all to know that, despite the fact that I now take the form of a monstrous vermin, I'm still the same old Gregor, who listens to yacht rock at his desk and loves the Mets (even though they’re killing me, haha). The only difference is I now have six legs and a hard exoskeleton covering my entire body. Still, I don't expect any special treatment from anyone.

Talkward w/ guest Keith James

This episode of Talkward chats with the very funny Keith James. Keith is a comedy performer and writer who has a new comedy, sci-fi, erotic, adventure book out now entitled 'Greg Maxwell's Inferno'. We discuss his humor journey and doing improv comedy for a soon-to-be-FBI-raided health spa where he had to do breakdance fighting live on-stage against a child. Follow Keith @k3ithJam3s and listen to his podcast Gus Biblowitz, Basketball Legend.

Streaming And Screaming!

Escape Room 3:  Rise Of The Terrordome-  A group of strangers are abducted by a malevolent organization and placed into a series of increasingly dangerous escape rooms.  The strangers, after thinking about it for a bit, realize that this situation is much better than how things are out in the real world, and so decide to simply stay put.  (Oct 20, HBO Max)

Frog and Toad are Doing Their Best (Book Excerpt)

Toad ponders a variety of questionable schemes to pay off his credit cards, while Frog spends too much time scrolling through the newsfeed on his phone. But despite their daily frustrations and existential concerns, they know that having a friend to share life’s burdens makes even the darkest days brighter.

#HorrorFruit

The Pear Witch Project, Dragon fruit me to hell, Strawscaries, and more #HorrorFruit on this week's trending joke game!

80s Movies: The Updated List

Indiana Jones And The Temple Of Student Debt. The Gluten-Free Breakfast Club, Little Etsy Shop of Horrors, and more!

CARTOON: Everything's Fine

But how are YOU doing? Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

Additional Clauses to Your NYC Apartment Lease Rider: An Excerpt of a Handwritten Legal Document from My New Landlord

153) Absolutely no noise after 10:00pm, even television, on any given day of the week: I mean it, there are no exceptions to this rule. Although it is only two beats total, my cat is trained to wake me at the opening sound of any Netflix show.

Translating Your Office Water Cooler’s Little Gurgle Noises

Three quick bubbles and three long bubbles: Uh oh, there’s trouble afoot! That cooler’s getting low, and it’s time for office manager Devin to hoist up a new multi-gallon and send the empty one to its eternal slumber.

#FartyFantasyFilms

Final Fartasy, Raiders of the Lost Fart, The Eversmelling Story, and more #FartyFantasyFilms, on this week's trending joke game!

CARTOON: Pitch Perfect

Harmony in Progress. Today's cartoon by Nathan Cooper.

Are You There God? It’s Me, Sarah From pdfFiller

Are you there God? It’s me again, Sarah from pdfFiller. I’m emailing you at 3:21 am on a Wednesday because if you sign up right now you can start your risk-free pdfFiller 30-day trial, enabling you to integrate all your forms into one secure location and edit them in Wizard Mode. I bet God has a lot of important PDFs. 

Stop Degrading My Stories with Your Smut: A Plea from a Former Mad Libs Writer

At a recent garage sale, I stumbled upon a used copy of Wackadoodle Mad Libs, one of my proudest literary achievements. Naturally, I was eager to flip through this old classic and personally witness the innocent sparks of imagination that my prose had fostered. What I saw instead was alarming, and more specifically, disgusting. Nearly every word that had been penciled into this children’s book was a reference to private body parts and/or their functional versatility. This is not an appropriate use of my work, and it must not continue.

CARTOON: Big Head

Don't get a big head or anything. Today's cartoon by M.R. Miller and Nick Greenberg.

I'm Your Computer Keyboard And I'm Begging You, Please Stop Eating Over Me

If we can’t fix your messy eating, then we’re going to need to amp up your cleaning habits because as of right now, you’re not doing much for me. Your idea of “cleaning” is turning me over, rapidly shaking me, and wiping whatever debris came out onto the floor and straight into the rug.

17 Ways To Make It Seem Like You’re Still Listening When You’ve Stopped Paying Attention

Make encouraging sounds like “Mmhmm” or “Uh-huh.” You’ll probably want to alternate among a few different ones so it doesn’t sound like you’re meditating. Repeat whatever they say. You got this! No, don't literally repeat it! Why did you do that? “I also lost my job”?!?! You didn’t lose your job! I meant that you should say something like: “What I’m hearing is that you lost your job.” Jeez.

#BookAFruit

War & Peach, The Lime Machine, The Karma Fruitra, and more #BookAFruit on this week's trending joke game!

WHO TED IT: Lasso or Nugent?

“As the man once said, the harder you work, the luckier you get.” “Every hateful statement ever made about me is a dirty lie.” And more!

#MoistenAMovie

When Harry Wet Sally, Rainspotting, Monty Python and the Holy Pail. and more #MoistenAMovie on this week's trending joke game!

The Five Stages of Sleep After Eating a Burrito Mojado

Sleep Stage 3: Deep Self-Loathing. You have burrito sweats. You wonder whether you can hold out till morning before having to get up to use the bathroom. Your brain can recall minute details of long-forgotten events. Remember that time in the second grade when you scowled at Stacy Curtis who wanted nothing more than to sit next to you at lunchtime and be your friend? Of course you do. You can still see tears welling up in the corner of her eye and threatening to spill down her delicately freckled cheek. Why would she even want to be your friend, anyway? You’re fundamentally unlikeable.

CARTOON: Bark Mark

Wood you look at that. Today's cartoon by Bill Thomas.

Signs That Summer Is Almost Over...

Anti-vaxxers adding plenty of ivermectin to their pumpkin spice lattes. COVID infection stories on the news are all Back To School related. And more!

A Layman’s Understanding of Food Recipes

A mixture of dry and wet is tossed around in white sand to make frisbee upholstery. A wet sauce is spread with a robot’s golf club onto the frisbee upholstery. A block of white that was rubbed against a robot’s acne, dead animal discs, leaves, a different dead animal, green tubes, and black rings that can’t fit on your fingers are added to the frisbee upholstery. 

CARTOON: School Speech

My trip from an untied shoelace in the hallway. Today's cartoon by Dan Misdea.

Ms. Bauer’s 5th Grade School Supply List (and Coping Mechanism) for 2021–2022

72 No. 2 Pencils (latex-free): These MUST be pre-sharpened. We’ve lost so much instruction time since March 2020 that we simply cannot waste precious minutes of the school day using the pencil sharpener. (Your kids will probably bring most of these home at the end of the year, unused.)

CARTOON: Dog Walker

Neglectful consequences. Today's cartoon by M.R. Miller and Nick Greenberg.

CARTOON: Scream Pillow

Covered in good vibes. Today's cartoon by Nathan Cooper.

The Problem With American Medicine Is That It's Not Specialized Enough

It may seem that I have prospered greatly off the misfortunes of the left foot, but the truth is that my path to podiatrist fame and fortune was not always easy. When I first told my advisor I was planning to specialize in the left foot, she asked if I had been “taking those stupid improv classes again.” My father broke down in tears, which we later realized stemmed less from my announcement and more from a burst appendix.

Popular Romantic Comedies Rewritten for 2021

500 Days of Summer Might Convince People That Climate Change Is Real, There's Something About Mary That Makes You Think She’s the Kind of Person Who’d Fill Plastic Bags with Gasoline, Four Maskless Weddings That Led to at Least One Funeral, and more!

Rudebook Magazine

Looking Good: 12 Ways To Find and Keep Unattractive Friends To Stand Next To,Lithium: Cheer up any dish with this surprise seasoning, 'Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!' And Other Things To Yell During Orgasm, and more in this issue of Rudebook Magazine.

How To Direct Actors

Contrary to what their paychecks would suggest, movies are not just made of stars. Actors in supporting roles are either up-and-coming bit players hoping to become movie stars, or over-the-hill movie stars looking to prolong their last fleeting moments of fame. Regardless of which side of the chute they land on, it is imperative that you remind them at every opportunity that they are not the stars of this film. The director is the star of this film.

New Trump Books Out This Week

"Who Moved My Cheeseburger?" "Profiles in Cursing" and more!

Columbo Gets a Tennis Lesson

Columbo: You know, I gotta thank you for clarifying. I’ve always been confused about how the whole scoring thing works. So does this mean, if I get no points when I’m not serving, my opponent has to call me “love” before they serve?

Eighties Sitcom Props: Where Are They Now?

Fake Cheesecake, The Golden Girls: Fake Cheesecake is still steadily working and was recently spotted in the bakery-themed Hallmark Rom-Com, A Beefcake with a Cheesecake.  

#GrossGroceries

Dickles, Pop-Farts, Vomints, and more #GrossGroceries on today's trending joke game!

Other Crazy Beliefs Of The MyPillow Guy

"Andrew Cuomo's discarded nipple rings can be used to construct a helmet with which to contact yodeling enthusiasts from other dimensions." "Beverly Hills 90210 is superior to Melrose Place." And more!

CARTOON: Hear This!

Also may I have the whole can of soda? Today's cartoon by Joseph Dottino.

As a Former Cult Leader, Here’s What I Would Bring to the Role of Store Manager at Bath & Body Works

A goal of mine, if hired, would be to revamp your rewards program. A free product of their choice (value up to $16.50) and a few emailed coupon codes are not going to win you long-term loyalty from those who pledge membership. I would place staff in strategic locations like bus stations or airports to seek out those who seem alone and adrift, who crave the comfort that only a three-wick Peach Bellini candle can provide.

The Latest Delta Variant Fraternity Meeting Minutes

As a new variant that first chartered a COVID wave less than a year ago, I can not believe how quickly we’ve risen. I know our founders, Selfishness and Recklessness, would be feverish with pride. But that doesn’t mean we can take a break or slow down. The Lambda variant has their sights set on climbing ranks by evading the vaccine, which means we not only need to maintain our reputation, but build upon it.

Debuting on Broadband: The Book of Zuckerberg 

Hello! My name is Elder Zuckerberg and I would like to share with you the most amazing update to my book. The good book. The Facebook. Not only can you follow your friends, but now, you can also follow God with the help of the new worship features available to you. That’s right, sinners. I brought God to Facebook so you can experience salvation.

#SuperheroABand

The Grateful Deadpool, Flash Mouth, Green Day Lantern, and more #SuperheroABand on this week's trending joke game!

Conversations That May Have Taken Place Off-Camera

The Wizard Of Oz: Cowardly Lion: I think I'm kind of into her guys. Tin Man: Oh Lion... Cowardly Lion: What should I do? Scarecrow: I think you should tell her. Tin Man: Tell her what? “Hey Dorothy. I know that you're a small town girl from Kansas and I'm a lion, but when all this is over do you want to go to the movies sometime?” 

Truly Terrible Signs That You're at a Crummy Nude Beach

Even the crabs have crabs.

#CelebASummerSport

John Waters Polo, Volley Hunter, Gene Swimmons, and more #CelebASummerSport on this week's trending joke game!

I Regret Becoming a Millionaire in My 20s

I’m not asking for your sympathy, I’m just asking for a little empathy and some friends who will pay me back when I Venmo request them for the birthday dinner they didn’t treat me to, leaving me to coordinate transportation between mainland Chile and the South Pole igloo where we dined on foie gras while Yo-Yo Ma played the cello and cried. 

Power Rankings of My Son’s Little League Baseball Roster

Atop the list for the sixth consecutive week is Niko Cherry. Nicknamed “Cherry Bomb” for his ability to blast the ball (almost) to the outfield, Niko is the oldest kid on the team and it shows. With broad shoulders and early signs of a mustache on his upper lip, he’s been feasting on both pitchers and hitters this season. If he continues his torrid pace, league officials may just have to take another look at that birth certificate. 

AirBnB Listing for the Love Shack

Other Things to Note: The air conditioner is busted, so you might find yourself wearin’ next to nothing ‘cause it’s hot as an oven. Also, the whole shack shimmies when everybody’s movin’ around. Will this be an issue? Only if you find yourselves having a pure and innocent dance party! 

CARTOON: Trump's Tell-All

Orange Juice is loose. Today's cartoon by Dave Whamond.

Other TV Networks Follow Fox’s Lead and Debut Their Own Weather Channels

HBO: It’s going to be a scorcher today, which is why none of our weatherwomen are wearing shirts.

#RegretfulRealityShows

The Masked Swinger, Lancing with the Scars, America’s Got Debt, and more #RegretfulRealityShows on this week's trending joke game!

Big Dave’s XXL American Buffet Is Back And Better Than Ever!

Hey, we’re still the Big Dave’s XXL American Buffet you know and love. We just have a different name, menu, exterior, interior, theme, staff, and overall ethos, but other than those things, we haven’t changed one bit. So we invite our loyalty reward members, formerly The Plate Posse, now “The Olive-garchs,” to please stop by and see us real soon. We’ve missed you!

CARTOON: Outside

Fresh air and threats. Today's cartoon by Tyson Cole.

I Am Kristen Roupenian’s Book Advance, and I Know All Your Essays Are About Me

You probably have questions about me. I am, after all, seven-figures big, an unheard-of sum for a relatively unknown writer. What would it be like to have me, you wonder? Is there any hope of my ever being earned out? And now: Should I be shared with Alexis Nowicki, the woman on whom the short story was based?

CARTOON: Sinking Summer

Life's a beach. Today's cartoon by Dan Misdea.

What's New On Streaming?

The Haunting Of Geraldine's Toaster (Netflix) In the terrifying tradition of previous Netflix hits The Haunting Of Hill House and The Haunting Of Bly Manor, this new entry centers on young, optimistic family the Guthries.  The Guthries have just moved into a refurbished house with a terrifying past, and an even more horrific toaster, possessed by true evil.

CARTOON: String Quartet

Make sure you are tuned up. Today's cartoon by Aliénor Meyer.

#AnimalActionMovies

Cape Deer, Mortal Wombat, Farmageddon, and more #AnimalActionMovies on this week's trending joke game!

Alternative Uses for Your Masks Once the Pandemic is Over

Hamster Hammock, Tiny Purse, Water Balloon Sling, and more in this illustrated list.

CARTOON: Dog Therapy

Fetch my feelings. Today's cartoon by Vaughan Tomlinson.

Rejected Names For Trump's New Social Media Site 'GETTR'

GRIFTTR, GRABBR, SUCKKR, and more!

Welcome Back To The Cinema!

Popcorn butter pump doubles as butter flavored hand sanitizer. No heavy breathing during sexy scenes unless masked. And more!

What Is An NFT?

Naughty Flying Triangle? National Foundation of Triceratops? Nanas Fighting Terminators? Check out this wonderful illustrated list by Thomas Wykes.

The Guy Who Designs Music Festival Posters Explains Himself

Listen closely. Actually, look closely. Yeah dude, you’re not at your annual eye doctor exam, you’re just reading one of my babies online. Go ahead, grab a magnifying glass to see if one of those indie bands you like is playing. Chances are, they’re playing at 10 a.m. on a stage three miles away from everything else. Take it from me as a design pro that does Photoshop two days a year, font matters. The bigger the font, the more my boss is yelling in my ear, “MAKE THE FONT BIGGER! WE SPENT OUR WHOLE BUDGET ON THEM.”

#SizzlingSitcoms

Brooklyn 99 Degrees, Welcome Back Hotter, Saved By The Hell, and more #SizzlingSitcoms on this week's trending joke game!

All Saints Catholic High School Presents “Angels! in America! The Musical!”

No doubt about it, Angels! In America! is my new favorite musical - it’s even better than Grease! While the show is incredible, it’s not for everyone. There is some very heavy subject matter that may upset some young children, and the first six rows will get wet.

CARTOON: Ah Nuts

Keep your eye on the balls.

Minutes From Last Months Meeting Of BRONIE, The Social Group For Men Who Are Obsessed With My Little Pony

Forty-seven minutes spent going through group's Facebook page, erasing rude messages from fake members who signed up just to be mean.

Why I, President Jimmy Carter, Am Considering Suing Hee Haw

The show’s animated mascot is a braying donkey. I am a praying member of the donkey party. I trust you all recognize this obvious attempt to make me look like a dopey cartoon.

The Unspeakable Things I've Done for a Klondike Bar

A tempting talisman. It turns out the first thing I would do for a Klondike bar is to ask my mother, Cheryl, for one. But, the real question, it turns out, is what wouldn’t I do for a Klondike Bar?

CARTOON: Worked Out

It's nice to get back to a routine. Today's cartoon by Nathan Cooper.

#IrateIceCream

Rum Raging. Ben & Angry, Pissed-tachio, and more #IrateIceCream on this week's trending joke game!

Kyrgyzstani Political Leader or Letters Randomly Typed with My Eyes Closed

Baktykozha Izmukhambetov, Trcghed Acfsfgth, Grcguhgyy Dwfebuuh, and more!

Classic Children's Books Updated For Modern Times

Marjorie Taylor Greene Eggs-aggerations And Ham-Fisted Lies, House At Putin Corner, Goodnight Mood Stabilizing Meds, and more!

A Father’s Day Gift Guide for Dads who are Men who Like Man Things

A nicer and louder lawnmower than that asshole Frank has. Hot sauce so spicy it will absolutely ruin whatever you put it on. A blacksmithing forge. And more!

Must-Have Summer Beach Reads

Malibu Rising by Taylor Jenkins Reid: I was so hungry and weak that all I can remember are the rich descriptions of all the decadent meals the family ate together. I began to suspect the end was near when turkey vultures spent the morning cawing while they circled my body. Despite this, Reid’s masterful description of BBQ inspired me to use the last of my strength to strangle a baboon with my bare hands. It was delicious. Highly recommend this book.

CARTOON: CATastrophe

At least they have 9 lives. Today's cartoon by Vaughan Tomlinson.

How to Prepare for Horse Girl Season Even Though Those Oversized Beast-Thingies Smell Like Poo

First step to becoming a Horse Girl is to get hair extensions if you don’t already have big, wild, glorious hair. It is scientifically known that horses only respect chicks who have tresses as-volumey or poufier-than their own. Otherwise, they will toss you off their backs into a pile of fire ants, and right in front of a hot stable boy named Dante. Which would be your own fault! So get the hair, learn how to blow dry it, and have backup volumizing spray in your saddle bag at all times. The fire ants are even ruder than the horses.

CARTOON: Sorry, No.

Maybe next year. Today's cartoon by Ward Sutton.

20 Mugs To Get Your Dad For Father’s Day Because You Don’t Really Know Him

“I LOVE YOU” MUG This feels aggressive. “WE LOVE YOU” MUG You don’t want to speak for your siblings. And more.

I, Jeff Bezos, Am Purposefully Going Into the Cold, Black Void Known As Space, But You Shouldn't Be Worried

Sometimes you just have to get away, and what place is more away than space? You all turn your phones on airplane mode every now and then; well, I need to travel to space every now and then and unplug. And now that I’ve referenced it, let me address the dirty rumor upfront: when I say unplug I don’t mean get out of reach of all Amazon Alexa technologies because a recent bug in a software update is about to trigger the Amazon Alexa Apocalypse. 

CARTOON: Speak & Spell

Hooked on phonics? Today's cartoon by Tyson Cole.