In These Fraught Times, We Need A President Who Will Unite The Nation With Honor, Integrity, And The Delicious Flavor Of Quiznos (SPONSORED CONTENT)

Ladies and gentlemen, in these tumultuous times, we understand that the road ahead of us is a long one. But remember... our founding fathers did not sacrifice their lives just for this nation to inherit a future of dry, stale, Jimmy-John's-flavored ineptitude.

CARTOON: Much Latergram

Felt cute, might eat. Today's cartoon by Mat Barton and Adam Cooper.

What Your Favorite Salad Dressing Says About You

Ranch Dressing: You miss living in Tulsa, Oklahoma. Light Ranch Dressing: You sometimes miss living in Tulsa, Oklahoma. and more!

Don’t Mind Me As I Hover Over Your Table, Waiting For You To Get Up

I’ll just stand here, a few feet from your table, not-so-subtly pressuring you to get up so I can finally sit down with my tray. My spicy chicken sandwich grows cold; my strawberry shake begins to melt.