You miss living in Tulsa, Oklahoma.
Light Ranch Dressing
You sometimes miss living in Tulsa, Oklahoma.
You’re too good to be eating grocery store salad because you spent a week in France back in high school and think you have an immense amount of je ne sais quoi. You absolutely do not though.
You have a zest for life and an amazing amount of sexual partners, but you come to regret every decision you’ve ever made almost immediately after making it.
You firmly believe that Julius Caesar invented it and that Brutus killed him to steal the recipe. Jenny McCarthy believes it too, but no one else does. Her approval is all you really need to keep going.
Blue Cheese Dressing
You think you know a lot about cheese but when you realize it doesn’t taste anything like actual cheese, your opinion of yourself lowers to the point that you actually begin to enjoy blue cheese.
You’re an 11-year old girl who’s never had a salad before, but it’s Sunday and Chick-Fil-A is closed.
Balsamic Vinaigrette You are a bitter and isolated masochist.
Green Goddess Dressing
You are interested in reviving the Lilith Fair Music Festival and have a rather large opinion of yourself, and Alanis Morisette.
Thousand Island Dressing
You dispense the dressing in several different spots over your salad and then joke with the cashier about archipelagos before telling her you won your elementary school Geography Bee in 1984. She seriously considers punching you in the face.
Honey Mustard Dressing
Your avarice has ruined every good thing in your life that you’ve ever managed to obtain.
You Make Your Own Salad Dressing
You’re an idiot with a tad too much time on your hands.
No Salad Dressing
You’re a nihilist who derives no pleasure from the salad you are about to consume. Your salad is really just another brick in the wall.
You’re from the planet Nubar 7. You’ve taken human form in an attempt to colonize the planet earth for your own material gain. Unfortunately for Nubar 7, you fell in love with an Italian dressing consumer and made several half earth, half Nubar 7 babies. They disavowed you.
Josh Lorenzo is a part-time humor writer, featured in various places, such as McSweeney’s and the Washington Post. He writes a regular satirical column, Don’t Feed the Animals at Political Animal Magazine. You can reach him on Twitter at @theathrofsrcsm, where he has at least 11 followers.