This Handy Guide to Everyday Psychedelics Will Ensure Your Next Trip to Costco is a Good One
“Trump signs order fast tracking review of psychedelics for mental health disorders.” — NPR
If anyone needs their neural pathways steam-cleaned, it’s the leader of the free world. But by signing this executive order, he inadvertently did something good. Either someone spiked his Diet Coke with MDMA or he didn’t read it. Probably the latter.
Psychedelics have been fighting a bad rap for decades. The intense feelings of euphoria, loss of ego, sense of “oneness” with the universe and undiscovered medical potential were deemed bad. After all, who wants to live in a country where everyone loves each other?
But you can’t stuff a genie back into the bottle and that genie is out now and sitting next to you watching Everything Everywhere All at Once.
You won’t be picking up your MDMA prescription at CVS quite yet. But the pu pu platter of psychedelics offered now will make everyday life in this madness—if not worth living—at least a little less depressing.
The following is a handy guide for those of you who didn’t have first-hand experience (or had it but don’t remember) with exotic herbs in high school. But you can still get them from your friend, Jake, who knows a guy.
Psilocybin
Groups like “Mom’s on Mushrooms” popping up everywhere is a strong indicator that Psilocybin is now mainstream. It’s a happy, laughy high. You remember laughter. You smile then emit joyful sounds. It’s so contagious people in line at the post office will soon join in. Mailing your ballot for the next election will turn into a party and not a wake for democracy.
Ketamine
Considered a dissociative, ketamine cocoons and protects you like a bespoke suit of armor. On your next trip to Costco, you’ll float like a happy little cloud high above the fray—the fray below resembling a reshoot of Zombieland only with zombies who could lose a few pounds. It’s common knowledge that certain billionaires misuse ketamine. Don’t worry little cloud. You won’t turn into an asshole. You have to already be one.
MDMA
You will fall in love on MDMA so be careful picking out where you take it and who you take it with. This love can be bestowed on anyone and anything, from humans and animals to industrial floor waxers. Yes, inanimate objects will suddenly look like George Clooney. We fell in love with a chair once. We already loved the chair because it was a vintage French mid-century masterpiece by Thonet. But the way we felt about that chair on MDMA was like all the love we ever experienced in our lives was turned into Mr. Roger’s, The Movie. Crosby, Stills and Nash said it best—love the one you’re with. Whether it’s a Naugahyde couch or a countertop nugget ice maker, close your eyes and pretend it’s your current crush, even it’s a secret you’ve been hiding from everyone. Even yourself. But you can’t hide from MDMA. It’ll find you.
LSD
Oh my god this shade of orange is rad! Like a flashing neon sign. Orange! Orange! Orange! Orange! Who knew the produce section at Whole Food’s was so far out? What? I have not been staring at an actual orange for an hour. Don’t be a buzz kill, man.
You know what’s a serious buzz kill? The receipt when you check out—evidence that you’ve just made a hefty donation to the billionaire rocket ship fund. LSD is a psychic amplifier. At high doses, all your anger and anxiety will morph into your own personal Godzilla. Microdose and you can pick up a friend from LAX and think it’s a trip to Disneyland.
DMT
Elves, pixies, and dwarves, oh my! DMT lasts ten minutes. Perfect for type A personalities or if you’re at the doctor’s, badly in need of entertainment, and you’ve already finished Wordle. DMT will turn that waiting room into a fluorescent playpen filled with jolly, little court jesters and clowns urging you not to take life or yourself too seriously. When that cute little dwarf morphs into a human being in blue scrubs handing you a pee cup, you’ll know it’s time to fish out your vape pen and rejoin the pixies. They’ll be waiting for you. But not in a creepy way. We hope.
Ibogaine
Ibogaine will put you in a dreamy dream state. You’ll re-evaluate your life, get to the root of your problems, even be visited by ancestors. If you happen to be at Home Depot, find the outdoor furniture section. The faux rattan couches will soon be filled with deceased family members. You’ll have no control over who shows up so if your Uncle Douchebag appears, huzzah! Shout all the obscenities you had to swallow at Thanksgiving when you were a kid in fear of being grounded forever. Then throw him out.
After all, it’s your trip.
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Gail loves a good joke. That’s why she got her MFA in screenwriting. She also writes humor, satire, and depressing stuff but only when Mercury is retrograde. She’s been published in McSweeney’s, The Belladonna Comedy, Weekly Humorist, Jane Austen’s Wastebasket, Little Old Lady Comedy and elsewhere. She lives in L.A.
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