CARTOON: Sniffing for Savings

Scented Shenanigans. Today's cartoon by Nathan Cooper.

Children’s Programming For Drugged Out Parents

The Flintstoned, Sesame Tweak, Barney the Purple Haze Dinosaur, and more!

Amazon's Choice

Amazon, you're one of the wealthiest entities on Earth, and after a nice pizza dinner, your Choice is to save a large slice of hand-tossed pepperoni in a clear triangular sleeve around your neck before going about your business like nothing is amiss.

Movies In the Cocaine Bear Cinematic Universe

Alcohol Walrus, Weed Donkey, Ether Bunny, and more!

Our Family Faces Many Challenges Inside This Closed Garage

OK, honey, we get it. You’re saying that the issue of the rising CO1 levels in our closed garage is very important to you. And we appreciate that you’re passionate about it. Try to remember that everyone in this minivan has issues that we care about and think are very important. They can’t all be first, so let’s take them one at a time, OK, sweet pea? Good.

Geoffrey’s Sad Clown Rental

These clowns are medicated right up to their blue-tear painted eyeballs and straight through their red noses (some of them snort depression cocaine). You name it, these clowns have been prescribed it. Zoloft, Prozac, low-doses of Morphine. The FDA has recently approved a new and very special niche medication, Klownopin.

Truly Terrible Beach Tips

Be sure to bring a sunblock bottle that contains at least 16 ounces, an excellent way to sneak in your vodka.

Our Favorite Authors and Their Favorite Drugs

Edgar Allen Poe: Heroin, 100%. I mean this dude basically invented heroin chic. Wandering around, a gaunt little skeleton man writing about death and insanity. Birds are talking to him, he can hear hearts beating under floorboards, and he looks like he hasn’t seen sunlight in decades. 


Leave It To Reefer, Herb Your Enthusiasm, Parks & Recreational Drugs, and more #StonedSitcoms on this week's trending joke game!

Let's Get High And Go To The Van Gogh Museum

I know I’ve never done marijuana before, but I hear the weed is different here, stronger, fancier, more European. Like people forget where they are and just wander the streets of Amsterdam, with time revealing itself as the manmade construct it’s always been. People say you’ll learn to live fully in the moment, and everything else falls away, like an ear falling off someone’s head.

Every Interview With a 1970s Hollywood Producer

Interviewer: Exactly how much cocaine did you do in the 1970s? *Note: Bergmann stands up, proceeds to get a ladder, and climbs to the second to last step on the ladder, so he can hold out his hand and give an accurate representation regarding the height of a mass cocaine mountain.

CARTOON: Brain Drain

Morning meeting. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

Cautionary Christmas Tale From Harry Ellis: Cocaine And Terrorists Don’t Mix

When I learned that Holly’s deadbeat husband, John McClane, was running around the building pretending to be Rambo, I knew I had to step in and broker a deal with the Euro trash who were holding us hostage.

CARTOON: Frown Clown

Thats why your nose is so red. Today's cartoon by Scott Masear.

Truly Terrible Signs You May Be Staying at a Bad Rehab Center

During art therapy, you're encouraged to "reach your inner artist" by sniffing the markers.

8 Public Venmo Exchanges your Subconcious Didn't Need to Overanalyze Today

$42.00 from your therapist to her friend Krista for “cocktails Thursday night” - only two hours after your evening session. Is your stress so damn taxing on your therapist that she simply has no choice but to drink her annoyance away? Are you what’s pushing her to have to unwind like this? This feels like a slippery slope.

The Commissioner's Adjusted Rules For The 2020 MLB Season

Along with having a universal designated hitter every team will be assigned a designated tickler, Stadiums will replace hot dogs with normal temperature regular dogs, Gloves will be replaced with a hand of bananas. And more.

Truly Terrible Summer Beach Tips

It can be dangerous to bring alcohol to the beach, and is more than likely prohibited.    Instead, get really drunk before driving to the beach.

Other Ways to Celebrate Woodstock 50

Go back and listen to the music that made Woodstock, perhaps for the first time while sober.

Pour Out Your Pour Over: Craft Cocaine is the New Home Brew, You F*cking Narc

It’s just what the doctor ordered: craft cocaine is all physiological benefits, no calories. Coffee has 1 calorie if you drink it black, but everyone knows you don't drink it black, you fat f'ing narc.

CARTOON: Holiday Tripping

Take a holiday trip! Today's cartoon by Scott Nickel!

Things I’ve Done On Ambien That Aren’t Racist

“Guys, I did something unforgivable so do not defend me. It…

The Weekly Humorist Last Minute Christmas Gift Giving Guide

Moscow Mule Drink Set You know those popular copper cups that…

Tripping Balls with the Founding Fathers

AUTHOR’S NOTE: Many observers of President Donald J. Trump…


The assignment was given our subjects: Ingest one of several…

Top Five Signs That Your Pet Goldfish Is a Stockbroker from the 80's

It’s your worst nightmare, you come home late one night to…

News From the White House Got You Down? Try Presidex!

Do you ever find yourself staying up through the wee hours of…