Tip-Top Tips to Terminate a Trumper Tantrum

The world can be a scary place even without Donald Trump around. But with Donald Trump around? An ANGRY Donald Trump? And wait, he’s coming right at you? What a nightmare. So, Here’s 10 Tip-Top Tips to Terminate a Trumper Tantrum:

1. Make yourself as large as possible.

Arms raised, chest puffed out, fingers splayed. Advance towards Trump in broad, wide steps at a steady pace. Do not break eye contact. Do not make sudden movements. If you get close enough, begin to close your arms around Trump like you are closing an enormous net.

2. Play dead. 

Collapse on the ground, stare lifelessly into the middle distance. Hold your breath (if possible). Hold position and wait for hostile attention to pass and/or subside. If Trump’s stubby fingers start to literally tear open your body, continue to play dead as he may still lose interest.

3. Seduction, a.k.a. “GAME.” 

Negging a high social anxiety target is nearly always effective. “Why is your skin so beef-looking?”, etc.

4. Reach higher ground.

Red-faced Trump will strain for breath at low-oxygen altitude. Keep climbing, until rage subsides DJT loses consciousness.

5. Smoke grenades.

Smoke grenades are frickin’ awesome.

6: Tread Water (Maritime Scenario).

If you’re in open water and Trump approaches, stay calm. Do not thrash; simply bob gently with the waves – Let Trump mistake you for flotsam, or algae. If Trump does turn aggressive, beat him on or about the face with a pliant but firm truncheon (e.g., rolled-up newspaper, ear of corn).

7. Fashion an Ice Lens (Winter Bushcraft Scenario). 

Hew out a block of ice, polish and carve it into a lens, move in on Trump laterally. Position the lens to focus the sun’s rays so as to singe Trump’s hair.

8. Create a Distraction.

Construct a large apartment building, label it TUMP TOWER. Trump will be unable not to deal with this.

9. Outsourcing.

By deploying an integrated, multilevel call center platform, you can dynamically link tiered service deliverables to defuse Trump offshore.

10. Buy him off.

A few million should do it.