To My Fellow Passengers On Flight AA129

Hi! My name is Peyton I just turned 18 months old, and this is my very first flight. I’m going to try my best to be quiet and not disturb my fellow passengers, but in case I get scared, or my ears hurt, or I’m so tired but can’t quite get comfortable on Mommy’s lap (silly cheap Mommy, not getting me my own seat!) and I can’t quite manage to be silent for the next six hours, here is a goody bag full of things I hope will make up for any disturbance I cause! I got enough for the whole plane, because as my Mommy knows, my cries can be piercing enough to reach allllll the way up into first class.


First things first – ear plugs, of course! But in case these don’t quite drown out any cries I might make, I’ve also enclosed a pair of earbuds. I’m so sorry they’re not the wireless kind, but I made sure they had an adapter so they could fit into any device you might have! And if you don’t have a device, I’ve included an mp3 player loaded with a playlist of my favorite soothing songs. Don’t worry, there’s no Raffi!!


I hope you like candy! There’s chocolate, but also some hard fruity ones in case your throat gets dry. I picked out some ones I thought grown-ups would especially like. Mommy says some of these candies are actually little tiny bottles. Just like mine, except filled with things I’m not allowed to drink yet!


Speaking of bottles, there’s a little brown one with a couple things that LOOK like candies but DEFINITELY ARE NOT. There are two Xanax in there – my Mommy has been saving up a few pills from every prescription ever since she booked this flight months ago. She is so, so sorry she didn’t have enough for everyone to have three.


But wait, there’s more! Here is a voucher for a free neck rub. If I make any noise, any noise at all, please come see us in 27D, behind the wing, and hand Mommy this voucher. She’ll come to your seat and rub your neck for five minutes right after she straps me in nice and tight so I can’t get loose and run around the plane! Think of how many neck rubs she’d have to give out then!!


Speaking of running, hopefully I’ll be way too tired to do any of that, because Mommy has given me some yummy grape-flavored Benedryl. She just this morning read that sometimes Benedryl has an opposite effect at altitude though, and she’s crossing her fingers soooooooooo hard that this isn’t the case with us! But don’t worry, Mommy will sit on me if she has to!!! She’ll sit on me so hard, until I learn not to make noise ever ever again!!


And of course, it goes without saying that you should feel free to come by and give Mommy any parenting advice you see fit, or yell at us, or just glare (we’re pretty used to it from the subway!). And I apologize again in advance. I am so sorry. Mommy is so sorry. She’s so sorry for all of this. So so so so so so so sorry.