Truly Terrible Wedding Toasts & Announcements

“First of all, here’s to the kid who rode his bike right in front of the limo during last night’s bachelor party. If we could, let’s have a moment of silence.”

“We’ve got a lot of toasts to get through, and unfortunately Kevin’s mom broke into the bar in the middle of the night last night, so please try and make this glass of champagne last for awhile if you can.”

“So until the plumbers figure out what’s going on with the restroom flooding situation, if everyone could please just stand on your chairs during the toasting segment, that would be great.”

“To anyone here who was a part of the bride’s failed death-cult a few years ago, sorry if the sparkling apple cider is bringing back any bad memories.”

“Finally, to the guys who made this entire thing possible, Lucifer and his Agents Of The True Darkness, who I see are swiftly and mercilessly destroying the cheese fondue station as we speak.”

“Some of you can reach beneath your chair, and find a purple orchid taped to the underside of the seat; this simply means that you dated the maid of honor during a certain time period, and there are a few members of the health department here who need to speak with you as soon as possible.”

“Please don’t be concerned about the goodie bags smelling like bug spray; some ants had gotten into the bags earlier, but we took care of it, so everything should be fine now.”

“In a bit of excellent news, the Smithville Slasher has finally been caught, and is currently being held for questioning! In less great news, that means that unfortunately we’re looking for a new best man. Pretty much anyone will be fine at this point, so just c’mon up!”