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Trump’s Olympic Demonstration Sports

by Bob Eckstein

Ratings for the 2016 Olympics were way down from the London 2012 games. GOP candidate Donald Trump stated he could easily rectify that with his ideas for new Olympic sports:

trump-building

Building Climbing

“More people were watching that wing-nut race up my building than women’s gymnastics and Rachel Ray, combined.”

Nascar Racing



“The problem with the Olympics is it’s not American enough … and there is nothing more American than Nascar driving. Countries that can’t afford it can carpool.”

Mexican-Wall Pole Vaulting

“Oh, believe me, this sport is going to happen.”

Equestrian 10-Meter Diving

“Do I have to explain it? Have horses platform diving … it would be phenomenal.”

Celebrity Beach Volleyball

“Get folks like Chuck Norris, Sarah Palin, Hulk Hogan, Bill O’Reilly, Kate Upton playing beach volleyball. In thongs. I’m telling you – make this happen and I guarantee ratings will soar in a bigly way.”

Politically Incorrect Racial Profiling

“You have never seen anything like this because my team just came up with it. For starters, everyone has their own starting gun. In the past, the races have been unfair — I can tell you who’s going to win before the race by just seeing the names of the athletes. I insist the runners be divided into groups.”

Team Drug Testing

“If this is going to be part of the Olympics, have the countries compete, televise it and post the results. It could be fun.”

Clintons Drinking Game

“Every time one of the Clintons lies, you have a drink. Not a sport? I assure you, this sport is already popular around the world because the whole world knows what big liars they are.”

4-Man Underwater Shot-Put Dodgeball

“Correction. That should also include FEMALE 4-Man Underwater Shot-Put Dodgeball, because I’d really like to see that also and so would, I’m sure, everyone else. May I add, women underwater shot-putters love me. But I would also really like to see 4-Man Lesbian Underwater Shot-Put Dodgeball, 4-Man Gay Underwater Shot-Put Dodgeball, 4-Man Bi-Sexual Underwater Shot-Put Dodgeball and, finally, 4-Man Transgender Underwater Shot-Put Dodgeball … because I am a real friend of the LGBT community and this is long overdue.”

Free-Style Javelin Throw Dodgeball

“Dodgeball is a metaphor for surviving the world today. Take your criminals, your terrorists, some naysayers and members of the media and throw them in the field and let them run amok.”

Synchronized Ballroom Dancing Balance Beam

“Again, I took a bunch of mediocre events and combined them into something exciting for the sports fan – something I’m very good at. There are too many Olympic events. Everyone knows that. Just cut any events with low ratings … or mash them together to create a new sport. Don’t make me sit through a dozen different ways to swim. I don’t care how you get to the other side of the pool as long as you’re first.”

Numero Uno Golf

“Regular golf, nothing crazy, ideally on one of my championship-designed courses – I’m building three right now over there in the rain forest, it’s going to be amazing – except Numero Uno Golf has only the leaders of countries playing against each other. It’s not open to anyone else except presidents, dictators, prime ministers, kings, queens, and what-not. It’s what everyone wants – leaders going mano-a-mano. Boxing would be better but I don’t box. This, I assure you, would be very interesting … and very funny because many of them have never played golf – never picked up a club in their life. How nice it would be to see some of these numbskull countries fall on their face? And I assure you, I will do very well. Everyone else will be sorry golf was ever made an Olympic sport. It’s a win-win.”

Extreme Badminton

“Add shooting rifles … or something. I don’t care how you do it but when I heard badminton was an Olympic event, I knew it needed a complete overhaul.”

Brazilian-Wax Swimsuit Competition

“I WAS the first to coin the phrase, ‘If you see something, say something.’”

Worldwide Fencing

“I like anything to do with fences or walls. Anything that divides countries is a winner in my book and belongs in the Olympics.”

Marathon

“The New York City Marathon is just fabulous. It’s wildly popular. Why doesn’t the Olympics have a marathon?”

 

This story was first reported in Funny Times and reprinted with their permission. Follow @BobEckstein. His new book, Footnotes From The World’s Greatest Bookstores, comes out next month from Penguin Random House.