We Regret to Inform You That We Have Rejected Your Job Application From Our Pop-Up Halloween Store (in The Old Kmart)

Rick,
It’s a pleasure to see your application come across my desk for the sixth year in a row. Although at this point you’re essentially family (thanks for the birthday card, btw!), I’m afraid I cannot extend a job offer this time around.You really, truly impressed us with your knowledge of SFX makeup. But showing us the multiple wounds, horns, and single hoof you applied to your thighs was off-putting—especially for Ingrid. Surprisingly, the only thing that held you back this time around was your recent dune buggy DUI…and the fact that you dropkicked a full beer in our parking lot after your cousin dropped you off and before your interview. We have a bad enough reputation, being inside the husk of an old Kmart and all, and don’t need the lady who runs the Payless on my back for spilled beer in the lot.

I really want the best for you, Rick, and I hope you find what you’re looking for.

Keep in touch,
Your Friends at Halloween MegaStore

 

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Hello Ryan,

While we appreciate your application, we are sorry to inform you that we have decided to go with another candidate. Your knowledge of and passion for horror movies is impressive; however, your behavior during your interview was the major contributing factor to our decision. Ryan, your attempt at recreating Trash’s dance from Return of The Living Dead was admirable, but highly unprofessional, even for a pop-up Halloween store. I was indeed thrown when you began talking about the worst way to die being eaten by a bunch of men, although I have to agree, it does sound terrible. When you stripped down to knee socks and kicked my belongings off of my desk, including the photo of my ex-wife, I was shocked. Not many people know this cult classic movie, so your swing for the fences is noted, yet you whiffed the hell out of that ball.

I still have char marks in my swivel chair from the road flares you used in your performance and have enclosed an invoice for a new swivel chair from Staples. Please reimburse me for the new chair. We do not have a technical “corporate office,” and therefore I do not have anyone else to send this expense to.

Best Wishes,
Your Friends at Halloween MegaStore

 

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Hi Remy,

Thank you for your interest in Halloween MegaStore. Unfortunately, we decided to go in a different direction. The “blood-spattered” paper your resume was on certainly caught our eye. It also soaked my desk, and as store policy states, I had to close for the day and have an off-duty paramedic come out to swab the area for contaminants. She was lovely, but we had to pay her overtime, which cost us quite a bit. We were also surprised to hear it was tortoise blood. We hope that this was acquired humanely and have to disclose that should you ever appear on a true crime program that we will most certainly share this story and document with production. Lastly, Ingrid was first amused, then uncomfortable, then disturbed when you claimed, then insisted, then attempted to prove that you were the goat demon, Baphomet. We politely suggest avoiding this topic until after you have gotten through the application process at your next job.

Sincerely,
Your Friends at Halloween MegaStore

 

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Dear Draconia,

We regret to inform you that we are unable to offer you a position with us. Your refusal to wear anything but a full Victorian gown with bustle and hoop skirt has forced us to make this difficult decision. While we love your look, and your comfort in and passion for sizeable black velvet gowns, you demonstrated that it inhibits you from bending, reaching, lifting, walking with purpose, and guiding customers to merchandise. Additionally, your refusal to work under fluorescent lighting in favor of a candelabra poses many safety risks that we cannot afford to take. We appreciate your enthusiasm, but your candles burned my new swivel chair, and I do not have it in me to purchase another swivel chair this year

We wish you the best and hope you get that scholarship to the mortuary school.

Sincerely,

Your Friends at Halloween MegaStore

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