Originals

Welcome to Burrito California (a Local Tex-Mex Restaurant That Gave Don Henley Diarrhea)

On a dark desert highway, cool wind in my hair

Warm smell of carnitas, rising up through the air

Up ahead in the distance, I saw bright neon light

My belly rumbled and my eyes lit up



I had to stop for a bite

There she stood at the counter;

Amidst a Tex-Mex smell

And I was thinking to myself

“This might be Heaven but probably Hell”

Then she asked for my order, “I’ll have the number eight”

There were voices from the kitchen and

I thought I heard them say…


Welcome to Burrito California

We have lots of meats (We have lots of meats)

Try the seasoned beef

Burritos are good at Burrito California

We have even more (We have even more)

We have al pastor


Tortillas steamed and wrapped tightly, they got the rice and the beans

They’ve got the fourth best beer assortment that I’ve ever seen

Taste buds dancing with hot sauce, forehead starting to sweat

I was eating for pleasure; I’d soon want to forget


So I called to the cashier

“More Sierra Mist please”

She said, “Our drink machine is on the fritz. How ‘bout a raspberry freeze?”

And my intestines were groaning, soon I would pay

They’d wake me up in the middle of the night

And I’d hear them say…


Welcome to Burrito California

We have patio seats (We have patio seats)

And, again, seasoned beef

You’re gonna be sick from Burrito California

But you will come back though (But you come back though)

Because we have nachos


Mirrors in the restroom

Showed my face turning white

And I said, “I am now a prisoner here of my own appetite”

But I returned to the counter

“Shrimp quesadilla please”

The girl looked up, eyes aflame as she said,

“You should really have the beef!”


Last thing I remember, I was

Speeding toward my home

I had to find the highway back

To the street that I lived on

“Relax,” said my wife then

“You should really try to breathe”

Stuck on the toilet for the rest of the night

Thought I would never le-e-eave!

(Outro: guitar, haunting groans of digestive agony)

by Joseph Thomas

Joseph Thomas

Joseph Thomas is a humor and satire writer living in Memphis, TN who’s written for Robot Butt, Slackjaw, Second City Network, the Memphis Commercial Appeal, and others. For more, check out josepthomascomedy.com, or find him on Twitter at @JTScatCat.