What Your Pubic Hair Looks Like, According to Your Zodiac Sign

You turn to the stars for advice on your career and relationships. Why not see what they say about your personal grooming? 

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Aries (March 21-April 20)

Most Likely To Say At A Party That They Do NOT Shave And Think People Who Do Are Conforming To Outdated Beauty Standards

 

The ram sign is courageous and bold, unafraid to tell you exactly how it is—that is, exactly how they THINK it is. They’re also a little stubborn (in a cute way!) and 100% never going to change the way they do things. That’s why an Aries is most likely not going to do anything that isn’t absolutely necessary to keep their privates as generally acceptable as possible, and they’re going to condescendingly mention a Jezebel article about why you shouldn’t buy into frivolous pube grooming, either. 

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Taurus (April 21-May 21)

Most Likely To Have A Simple And Hygienic Trim

 

Tauruses are firm and stable. They have that quiet strength that means they would be tough enough to put up with a Brazilian, but they’re also too good with money to routinely go to the spa. That’s why this sign’s pubes are short and uniform, kind of like what a buzz cut looks like after it grows out for a couple of weeks. A BIC razor and a couple minutes in the shower is enough to keep this sign feeling their best. No fuss, no funny shapes. And no exceptions! 

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Gemini (May 22-June 21)

Most Likely To Shave Once A Year And Then Develop A 70’s Bush 

 

Gemini’s are a total mess—and I can say that. I am one! We are the sign that is most likely to not take a stance on something. You would think this just applies to politics or something philosophical, like whether or not Taylor Swift was lying about the Kanye call, but nooo. It also applies to our pubes. A Gemini might fully shave once or twice a year when they remember that’s something people do, and then be in the process of growing out a full-throttle 70’s look down there when they inevitably forget. C’est la vie, baby. 

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Cancer (June 22-July 22)

Most Likely To Own A Bottle Of That Pubic Hair Oil Emma Watson Uses

 

Cancers are the big softies of the zodiac. Their desire to be empathetic, however, can mean that this sign ends up soaking up all the heavy emotions around them like a giant, tear-filled sponge. That’s why this sign is super into self care—if you were also ALL of your friends’ therapist, you would be, too. Cancers like to treat themselves to little luxuries now and then, so they use the special oil that actress Emma Watson uses to fend off ingrown hairs and makes you feel like a hundred bucks. Their motto has always been “If it’s good enough for Emma Watson’s pubic hair, it’s good enough for ours!” 

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Leo (July 23-August 23)

Most Likely To Instagram Live Getting A Brazilian Wax

 

Leo’s are the suns of the zodiac, because they fill our lives with joy and they lowkey believe everything revolves around them. This sign is a natural-born entertainer who wants to be adored by everyone they know. They treat themselves a Brazilian wax at an uppity salon every other week because Leos, in their heart of hearts, believe they are royalty. They film the whole thing on Instagram Live because they want you to believe it, too!

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Virgo (August 24-September 22)

Most Likely To Change How They Style Their Pubes When They’re In A Relationship

 

Virgos are perfectionistic people-pleasers, meaning they’re intent on finding out what’s expected of them and going above and beyond to fulfill those expectations.  A Virgo will do a total 180 on their grooming situation to please their partner. Either they’ll straight up ask you what you like, or you’ll just get in bed with them and their pubes will look like your pubes. It’s like the movie The Roommate, but in a very sweet way. 

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Libra (September 23-October 23)

Most Likely To Have Their Pubes Shaped Into A Cute Lil’ Heart 

 

Libras LOVE the idea of love. This sign eats up Hallmark holidays and clichéd ideas of romance like discount heart-shaped chocolate on February 15th! Libras are not good at casual relationships—they’re the people who plan an elegant and tasteful wedding after a first date. This tendency to go over the top doesn’t end there. This sign’s undying loyalty to love and all of its imagery means that every Libra has shaved their pubes into a cute lil’ heart.

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Scorpio (October 24-November 22)

Most Likely To Have No Pubes, Just A Tattoo That Says “Congratulations!”

 

Your fun fact of the day: the part of the body Scorpio rules over is the genitals. I know what you’re thinking…what horndogs! This sign is exciting and mysterious, secretly hiding their vulnerability behind a veneer of overt sexuality and cool confidence. That’s why a Scorpio is likely to have a tattoo that says “Congratulations!” in lieu of hair. Scorpios have the firm belief that their sexual partners should feel like they accomplished something. Which is like, sweet, in a mildly self-obsessed way. We’ll take it! 

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Sagittarius (November 23-December 21)

Most Likely To Own An Expensive At-Home Hair Remover Tool That They’ve Used Exactly Once

 

Sagittarians are suckers for instant gratification. Nothing compares to the power rush of seeing something you want and then buying it right away. They can be a little into status, so they gravitate towards things that are shiny and new. That’s why every Sagittarius has a fancy-looking hair remover tool from the infomercial-section at Bed Bath and Beyond. Unfortunately, the rush of buying something new is way more exciting than actually using the thing they bought. Back to the regular old razor, it is!

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Capricorn (December 22-January 20)

Most Likely To Shave Their Pubes While Doing 8 Other Things Super Well

 

Capricorns are busy people. They hate the feeling of wasting time so much that they’re prone to extreme multitasking. That’s why this sign might take a moment to shave their pubes every once in awhile, but you can bet your fine tushie that they’ll be doing more than shaving. They might be doing some intimate grooming while putting out fires in the group chat with the in-laws, or filing their taxes six months early. They’ll be super productive and will probably only nick themselves once or twice. We call that success!

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Aquarius (January 21-February 19)

 

Most Likely To Have A Full Bush And Zero Fucks 

 

This sign is ALL about independence and gettin’ outdoors, and they don’t care much about what you think of them. That’s why this sign rocks a full bush. Not only do Aquarius people not care about their downstairs situation, they don’t think you should either. Chances are if you get a little squeamish about something so natural as body hair, you’re not going to be that fun to hike the Appalachian trail with. And then what good are you, anyway?

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Pisces (February 20-March 20)

 

Most Likely To Shave Their Pubes While Cry-Singing To Lana Del Ray In The Shower

Oh, Pisces. You are so much more than Kleenex’s best customers. You are generous and kind, and artsy to boot. Pisces are the most likely of all the signs to have a Pinterest board full of Rupi Kaur and Lang Leav’s best work. Life is art, and art is the most beautiful means for catharsis, according to this sun sign. That’s why you, dear Pisces, have shaved your pubes while loudly cry-singing to Lana Del Ray, at least once. Here, have a tissue.