My Best Guess at What Those Six Different Vagacials Currently Offered at My Salon Are
*Note – Women unfamiliar with the concept of “vaginal facials” need not panic, but should def assume their own genitals resemble a 1950s janitor’s mop.
The Paltrow
This 9 hour restorative process leaves the vulva a gleaming beacon of eternal labial youth. Poems about its ethereal beauty will be written in Notes and posted to Insta. Coldplay songs shall be remixed in its honor.
The O’Keefe
A procedure that involves both a heavy steaming and light sandblasting, the vulva is left resembling a sun-bleached cow skull. A super shiny one.
The Max Rebo
After a luxurious mini-peel and elongating massage, the outer labia becomes a dead ringer for the famous blue proboscis of this beloved Star Wars bar musician.
The Cady Stanton
Infused with organic essential oils and a heavy sense of shame, once completed, the ghost of Elizabeth Cady Stanton emits a high-pitched shriek directly from the vaginal opening.
The Michael Barbaro
A lavender candle is burned while The Daily is blasted at top volume from a Bose speaker positioned directly between the thighs. The vulva is left feeling both informed, and with a real human feel for the story.
The Zamboni
*Specialty procedure. Inquire at reception. Not suitable for women under 40.
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Johanna Gohmann has written for The New Yorker, McSweeneys, The Cut, Jezebel, and Bust. She lives in Brooklyn beside a canal famous for having gonorrhea. (The canal, not Johanna.) For more of her work, please visit www.JohannaGohmann.com.
