Best of 2022

My Best Guess at What Those Six Different Vagacials Currently Offered at My Salon Are

*Note – Women unfamiliar with the concept of “vaginal facials” need not panic, but should def assume their own genitals resemble a 1950s janitor’s mop.

 The Paltrow

This 9 hour restorative process leaves the vulva a gleaming beacon of eternal labial youth. Poems about its ethereal beauty will be written in Notes and posted to Insta. Coldplay songs shall be remixed in its honor.

The O’Keefe

A procedure that involves both a heavy steaming and light sandblasting, the vulva is left resembling a sun-bleached cow skull. A super shiny one.

The Max Rebo

After a luxurious mini-peel and elongating massage, the outer labia becomes a dead ringer for the famous blue proboscis of this beloved Star Wars bar musician.

The Cady Stanton

Infused with organic essential oils and a heavy sense of shame, once completed, the ghost of Elizabeth Cady Stanton emits a high-pitched shriek directly from the vaginal opening.


The Michael Barbaro

A lavender candle is burned while The Daily is blasted at top volume from a Bose speaker positioned directly between the thighs. The vulva is left feeling both informed, and with a real human feel for the story.

The Zamboni

*Specialty procedure. Inquire at reception. Not suitable for women under 40.