A Friendly Welcome/Formal Warning Letter from Your Neighborhood Homeowners Association

Dear New Resident,

 

Greetings and welcome to the neighborhood! We’re so glad that you’ve decided to purchase a home in our little family-friendly suburban oasis. Safety and a cultured aesthetic are our top priorities and to that effect, we’d like to cover a few of the basic policies and regulations here with you and address some of the significant concerns that we have noted since you’ve moved in.

• As to Your Request for Permission to Put Up a Fence: We completely understand your desire to put up a fence for privacy, but being on a corner lot, a fence along the adjacent street perpendicular to your property cannot extend any further past the rear edge of your home (i.e. backyard line) for traffic and safety reasons. Thus, we regret to inform you that your request to put up a “solid 12-ft. concrete wall” topped with “scary spikes and cauldrons of burning oil” around the entire perimeter of the home and driveway has been declined.
• As to Your Request for Permission to Install a “400-ft Tall Eternal Flame to Honor the Gods of Rock ‘n’ Roll”: We do not allow eternal flames, eternal torches, or eternal pyres.
• As to Your Request for Permission to Put In a “Moat Filled with Lava”: We do not allow moats or lava.
• Proper Lawn and Hedge Care: While we appreciate the fact that you seem to take meticulous care of your lawn and garden, we ask that you please do not use a military-grade machete for this purpose. It makes the children and housewives uncomfortable.
• Satellite Dishes: While a small satellite dish is completely acceptable for a satellite television setup, the 25-ft parabolic steel dish that you installed on the roof your home for “very long baseline interferometry” will have to be removed. It is an eyesore and a danger to low-flying planes and/or frisbees.
• Personal Parades: The township puts on a delightful parade each Memorial Day and residents are welcometo sign up to participate. Having your own personal parade up and down your driveway each Tuesday morning complete with giraffes, fire-eaters, a high school band, and clowns driving around in tiny cars is not in the spirit of our neighborhood.

In addition, there have also been a number of complaints that we have received from other residents in the neighborhood concerning certain aspects of your behavior. To be fair, we will be enacting the following rules for all members of the homeowners association taking immediate effect (and will also be communicated at the next HOA gathering):

1. The stuffing of other people’s mail down various sewage drains around the neighborhood is prohibited.
2. Replacing the bulbs in the street lamps with strobe lights is prohibited.
3. Codpieces are prohibited.
4. Catapulting fruits, broken appliances, and other objects into people’s yards using a large wooden catapult is prohibited.
5. Allowing your dogs to bark into a megaphone at 3:00 a.m., or any other time of the day, is prohibited.
6. Selling quarter-sticks of dynamite to children is prohibited.

Thank you for your attention to these matters. As a reminder, attendance at the community HOA gatherings is not mandatory.

 

Sincerely,

Your Homeowners Association Board

P.S. As a result of costs related to the cleanup/city services required on behalf of your activities, your annual dues for this year have been raised from $265.00 to $8,917.23. We trust that you understand.