News Briefs: God Seriously Considering Starting Over Again With Human Race

PLUS: Velcro Feeling Like It Being Taken For Granted , Superhero Action Figure Not A Bathtub Toy, But Rather A Bathtub Collectible, Fast Food Meal Purchased To Save Time Puts Man In Bathroom For Several Hours Weekly Humorist News Briefs, Breaking News, Into Little Pieces.

Roku City’s Police Blotter

25-year-old, Mark Stevens, of Roku City was arrested by Roku City Police for committing arson in the building that formerly housed the Everybody Loves Raymond billboard. The alleged arsonist was reportedly upset that the city replaced the billboard with an ad for the show Suits. No one was harmed. Several noise complaints were filed due to the man wailing “How can you do this, everybody loves Raymond and you clearly don’t.” Stevens was quickly released after Ray Romano paid the $10,000 bail.

That’s A Party School 

My friend said by the time he got his degree, he had partied so much that he wasn’t even sure what he’d majored in. Upon getting his diploma at graduation, he learned that he had actually obtained a BA in partying.

The Other Chalkboards That Will Hunting Wrote On As A Janitor

You are absolutely forbidden from entering the room where Ms. Garcia hosts her night school class for English as a second language so that you can make adjustments to her lesson plans. We do not want Ms. Garcia to come into our office to complain that her students are using words like "cawfee", "rippah", "pissa", "wicked smaht", or that they are inserting an unnecessary “fuck” into every sentence they speak.

As a Woman, I’ll Be the First to Apologize for Apologizing So Much 

Look, I’ve read the research. We ladies tend to, shall I say, overdo it. All the studies say the same thing: Women apologize more than men. Women apologize when there’s no reason to. Women apologize for breathing. 

Despite Recent Events We Will Continue To Sell Our Ghostface Voice Modulator ™

Our financial success during such times do not make these moments any less painful. We'd also like to underscore our significant contributions to charitable organizations and similar tax-deductible philanthropy.  To be clear — Murder Manifesto LLC stands united against violence and hatred. We will continue to reflect and pray to prevent such tragic events from occurring again.

News Briefs: Happy Ending At Massage Parlor Leads To Happy Ending Of Marriage

PLUS: Houseplant In Basement Man Cave Resigned To Fate Of Slow Certain Death, Four Horsemen Of Apocalypse Hover In US Skies Like Famished Buzzards, Discarded Plastic Produce Bag Enjoys Lazy Journey Drifting Through Supermarket Parking Lot.

It’s The Other Door, Stupid

Are your eyes broken? Did you not see the glaringly small sign pointing at the correct door? Surely you must be recovering from some sort of invasive eye surgery to miss a sign that obvious. I'm laughing at you, you fool.

Scent Memories From the Last Time I Went Camping

Description: We watch as our family car is engulfed in flames. Someone at another campsite yells, “call 9-1-1!” Dad looks at me and my little sister for the first time since we arrived and says, “Your mother and I are getting a divorce.” Top Notes: Gasoline

Are You Living Through Menopause Or The Climate Crisis?

Denying it just makes it worse. It’s happening much faster than you thought it would. Air conditioning is only a temporary solution. And more!

Acceptable Ways To Pronounce “Entrepreneuer”

Under Purr Knower, Entree Panera, Intruder Prawner, and more!

Lustler Magazine

Chick on Chick-fil-A: Porn Hub & Grub Hub Join Forces! VR vs AR: Can anything finally make you feel something? Anything? Let's Hear It For 69! (The Average Age Of Our Readers) and more in this issue of Lustler Magazine!

This City Has Really Gone Downhill

This city has become dangerous too! On my neighborhood Facebook group, people are always talking about how they see “suspicious characters” lingering about town. Sure, this city used to have suspicious characters too, but back then they would be caught committing a crime and then put behind bars for a period of time. These new suspicious characters don’t ever actually commit crimes and, thus, are impossible to catch. The crime in this city used to be more obvious and frankly that’s how I preferred it.

Breakfast At Tiffany’s

Ah, evidence is like an engagement party held at Waffle House: it only works when poor people are involved.

Classic Children's Books Updated for Our Time

Cloudy with a Chance of Lab-Grown Meatballs, Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day of Meetings That Could Have Been Emails, And more!

LinkedIn Through the Ages

SURREY, ENGLAND – 1502 A.D. I’ve been sitting on this news (heh) for weeks, but I’m thrilled to finally announce that I’ll be joining Richmond Palace as King Henry VII’s new Groom of the Stool! I’m a HUGE fan of the king’s small intestine, and I can’t wait to sit across from him and pick his brain while his legendary guts do their thing. Other than being a Tudor, he’s totally self-made. I’m kind of stoolstruck, tbh.

News Briefs: Dating Site For Seniors Stymied By Dial-Up Connection

Plus: Man Hides Liquor Bottle In Same Place He Used To Hide Ex-Wife’s Christmas Presents, Woman Being Baptized In River Should Have Worn A Bra, Lunch Fast Food Bag Placed In Back Seat Of Car To Make Room For Dinner Fast Food Bag.

News Briefs: Lost Dog Found At Home Of Nicer Family

Plus: Stupid Lemonade Stand Doesn't Have Wi-Fi, Cabbage Enthusiasts Flip The Fuck Out Over National Cabbage Day, Mom Excited About Knowing Mother Of Hostess At Chili's.

BOOK EXCERPT: The Carlyles

Pattie Carlyle wiped a line of sweat from her forehead, brushed her thick, frizzy black hair back over her ears, bent down, and lifted up a large wooden crate from her brownstone’s doorstep. Straining under its weight and the heavy air that presaged a thunderstorm, she reached several times for the front door handle before finally establishing a hold long enough to wedge it open with her foot....Read the full 1st chapter from the new book THE CARYLYES. Out now!

For Dummies By Dummies

That is why we’ve developed a new series, For Dummies By Dummies ®.  In each For Dummies By Dummies ® book, we have real, unqualified lay people posing as experts writing to other real, unqualified lay people in a way that is both relatable and completely unreliable. Join us in celebrating some of our newest titles!

COMIC: Captain F#%cked Planet

Captain Planet is looking for a new planet to save, this one is cooked.

Shocking Truths of the Cereal Mascots

Toucan Sam hasn’t paid his taxes in 30 years. The Raisin Bran sun cyber-bullies his daughter’s classmates. Cap’n Crunch only ever took to the sea to avoid a manslaughter charge in Virginia. And more!

At UnitedHealthcare We’re Addressing Your Medical Expense Concerns By Ignoring You and Redesigning Our Website

Instead of tying up health providers with your selfish medical dilemmas, have you tried typing your symptoms into WebMD and begging your loving God for mercy? Prayers don’t cost anything. Maybe try praying more and leave those doctors and nurses alone. They’re way too busy trying to navigate our labyrinthine reimbursement policies.

Thank You For Listening To Our Podcast!

And of course, Kate, we have to thank our fans. As two born-and-raised Californians, we couldn’t insert ourselves into Keystone local politics, sift through heaps of data you have no way of knowing were gathered accurately or ethically, and break it all down for you in-between absolutely incessant bickering week after week without listenership analytics that keep our production company happy.

Acceptable Mermaid Skin Tones: A Guide for Racists

*Not a comprehensive guide: mermaids are fictional creatures.

Totally Straight High School News Your Administration Will Approve Of

Homecoming Court Includes No Students With Hair Dyed Purple, Choir To Put on Concert Consisting of Dave Matthews Band Discography, English Department Announces Pronouns No Longer Allowed in Student Writing, and more!

Select Scenes From The QAnanny Sitcom

QAnanny: Nya-ha-ha-ha-nnha-nnha-hnn-ha-nhee-heee Gross Sheffield: What is that… that noise she’s making? Is that a laugh? Not-So-Brighton Sheffield: I mean… kind of? She’s attempting to use the high-pitched frequency of those noises to short circuit the deep-state hypnotic suggestions that have been hard wired into her brain.

***UPDATED: Health Advisories for Outer-Space Visitors

The Intergalactic Council for Disease Control has issued new guidance for travel to Earth, relaxing some restrictions. Most travel illnesses on Earth are minor, such as thorax rash, overhydration, or motion sickness from TikTok.

ColonBroom FAQ

How long should I take ColonBroom? The feeling when I poop is nothing but the purest form of euphoria and triumph. Like Moses parting the Red Sea and leading his people out of Egypt. Like the Achaeans pouring out of the wooden horse and enveloping the streets of Troy. That moment on the brink of life and death, that point of no return when you’re still extremely nauseous from giving rectal birth to a pound of raw broccoli, but already thinking about the leftover burrito in the fridge. 

What Your Coffee Table Book Says About You

A Tattered Copy of How to Win Friends and Influence People: You’re up front about your red flags and don’t have a strong grasp on interior design. You rarely have company over, but you imagine elaborate scenarios in which you host dinner parties and your guests listen intently as you regurgitate the advice from this book. You are very charming in your mind.

I Love Self-Checkout Because I Never Steal And I Always Pay For Each Of My Items Every Time

I would never place an item in the bagging area without scanning it. Even if I wave it over the barcode reader and it doesn’t read, I would never place it in the bagging area or my pocket. I would simply ask for assistance, wait my turn as other honest patrons are served, and then explain to the worker that the baby formula says it’s twice as much as it used to be and there must be some kind of mistake. 

QaDon's- American Bistro For American's Who Don't Like America

"Spend Your Independence Day Exerting Your Independence From American Values and Basic Human Decency With Our Special Fourth Of July Menu!!!" "Each of our meals is served on a paper replica of the Constitution, perfect for soaking up all of the gooey grease and spills!"

Even Though the Office Is Still Completely Engulfed in Flames, I’m Gonna Need You All to Come Back in Full Time

That said, going forward I expect everyone to come in at least 40 hours a week, which, coincidentally, is the exact amount of time that the human body can withstand such temperatures before their internal organs begin to melt. Failure to show up for the full 40 hours will be taken as your resignation.

Reality Show Spinoffs The World’s Not Ready For

Hundred Thousand Dollar Pyramid Scheme: Competitors enter into a multi-level marketing scheme from which they’ll never financially recover. It’s the show that mimics real life! Each time some poor sap buys into the scheme, the show lasts another painful week. Tune in before the pyramid crumbles down on some wantrepreneur’s dreams.

Fake Product History: The Evolution of KY Jelly

1939 - 40 New York World's Fair-   During the first presentation of the new KY Jelly product, a large container of the jelly is accidentally spilled onto the stage, resulting in the first known instance of what eventually comes to be known as breakdancing.

Modern YOLO Alternatives

IDAHO POTATO: I’m Distressed About Housing Options and Priced Out of Tons of “Affordable Town” Opportunities

Renthouse Magazine

Full Frontal Or Back Door; How To Enter That Rental, Should The Carpets Match The Drapes? (Like design-wise, pervert) and more in Renthouse Magazine.

Michael Bay Punches Up Classic Literature

Moby-Dick, by Herman Melville: First of all, love the title. Hilarious. Not everyone can do comedy, but Herman, you got the gift, man. Secondly, there’s some great bones in this idea. Crazy guy versus a big ass sea monster? Awesome. I dunno how I feel about it being a white whale, though. How about a giant shark? Or, better yet, some kind of alien robot that shoots lasers out of its eyes. Now we’re getting somewhere.

Relax Ladies - I’m Totally Ready to be an Unintended Dad

Don’t worry, I'm ready to largely decide how much, if at all, I participate in raising and financially supporting any children that may result from my actions. I am more than ready to be the “fun” parent and to do less than half of the parenting work, on average. 

Things That Are Easier to Get Than an Abortion in America

Ripe avocados, A glimpse of Susan Collins’ spine, Skinny jeans that fit after 40, and more!


This is an action seeking behavior modification and redress for damages from relentless and cumulative incidents of age discrimination. Plaintiff alleges James “Jimmy” Decker, 37; Mike “Groggy” Boulheim 35; and Geoff “Zippo” Rinaldi, 38 (“The Guys”), have treated Plaintiff differently since his 40th birthday, regarding his opinions and cultural references as “outdated and irrelevant.”

Hi, I’m Joe Pesci and I’ll Be Your Dental Hygienist Today

Seeing these gums, I gotta ask, how many times a week do you floss? Notice I didn’t ask how many times a day, because people who floss daily don’t jump and bleed as they get their teeth cleaned. So, I repeat myself, how many times? Go ahead, take your time answering while I grab a different scaler. Pick the right words, go have lunch, then get back to me. 

More Musk For Your Buck! Elon Musk's Planned Twitter Changes...

A special audio notification for all Twitter Platinum members, which goes off only in the event that my army of cyborg assassins is unleashed upon the unwashed masses, and allows you plenty of time to get settled into your spacious and luxurious underground bunker.

A Sea Turtle With a Plastic Straw Stuck Up Its Nose Has Some Thoughts on Recycling

And when you’re not dumping your plastic straws into my goddamn living room, you’re playing spin the bottle with the global thermostat. I mean, what’s going on? One day it’s burning up the next day it’s snowing in Texas.

What To Expect When You're Expecting Extraterrestrials 

Keep It Classy-ish: If you decide to invite our friends from beyond the stars into your home for a casual chat, please do your best to make a good impression. For example, best to keep the tv off, but if you must keep it on, steer clear of things like The Bachelor and Fox News. I mean, c'mon... you're just making the rest of us look bad.

We’ve Updated Our Preschool’s Curriculum to Help Your Toddler Survive the Coming Climate Apocalypse

Connect with Nature: I try to strike a balance between giving your children hope and crushing their cute little souls with the reality of climate change, so in response to the cries of “I’m hungry!” and “I’ll even eat my vegetables,” I’ve started a small garden. Max loves digging his hands in the contaminated soil but he broke down in tears when he realized those seeds have zero chance of becoming edible food.

Your Psychiatrist’s Generalized Anxiety Survey

In the past five days, how often have you experienced nervousness or felt on edge? …skipped meals or experienced low or no appetite? …avoided social interactions, even with loved ones, such as a partner/spouse? If you answered “Sometimes,” was it to avoid hearing your partner/spouse mention their coworker Paul again and how funny and clever he is?

TV Snide

'Oh boy! More Streaming Services!? Maybe they could put them all together on one bill, oh wait, we had that and f*cked it up!' 'The Voice: Sorry, Folks, No Good Singers Left' and more in this issue of TV Snide!

Florida’s ‘Don’t Say Gay’ Bill Protects Our Most Vulnerable — People Who Are Still Homophobic in 2022

Regardless of how you feel about this bill, you have to admit that it does protect a vulnerable group of people. Just like alligators, homophobic people in 2022 are Florida’s largest export to New York through the sewer system. And also like alligators, they only bite if provoked. And unprovoked. And anytime they hear any word that starts with the letters “GA.” 

At the NYT Op-Ed Desk, We Pride Ourselves on a Rich Journalistic Tradition of Publishing Shit That Doesn’t Really Matter but Will Make People Mad on Twitter

We’re not in the business of making friends. We’re in the business of spitting out half-baked cancel-culture articles with no real merit or backbone that systematically reduce America’s trust in journalism institutions. We’re brave. And no one can silence us. Except ourselves.

Little Debbie's Got A FAQ For You

We had to stop making the Zebra Cakes as it's becoming more and more difficult to get the chunks of real zebra that go into each cake. I guess they're close to being extinct or something? We'll probably need to rebrand at some point, although I'll admit that something like Horse Cakes doesn't sound quite as appetizing.

Devin Nunes Addresses Beta Tester Feedback Amid Soft Launch Of Trump’s New Social Media Platform

On Truth Social, we believe that money is king. While on other apps, ‘Following’ people simply means getting updates from them on your feed and seeing what they post to their public profile – on Truth Social, for the right price, ‘Following’ can mean whatever you want it to mean: following someone’s profile, following them home, whatever. If you pay for it, you can have it. 

The CEO of Frontier Airlines Addresses FAQ’s On The New Merger

After hours of deliberation and brainstorming to find the best way to combine our two great names, we’ve decided on Front-tit.

It’s My Job as Governor to Protect Florida From the Ever-Encroaching Threat of Self Awareness

The real virus sweeping the nation is self-awareness. As a lawmaker in the great state of Florida, it is my duty to the people to protect them (white) from ever wondering, even for a second, why grandpa changed the channel every time Family Matters came on. 

“Swamp Monster Makeovers: Fabulous Species-Defying Transformations to Win Friends and Confuse People” An Excerpt from How to Survive a Human Attack: A Guide for Werewolves, Mummies, Cyborgs, Ghosts, Nuclear Mutants, and Other Movie Monsters by K.E. Flann

HAVE YOU NOTICED an influx of fashionistas in your neigh­borhood? These newcomers and their fabulous everyday infinity scarves are so intriguing that you’ve already snatched a few strang­ers from their research vessel. But even though you were raised by alligators or gestated in a nuclear cooling pool, you understand that these encounters have not been on point.

WHO TED IT: Lasso or Nugent?

“As the man once said, the harder you work, the luckier you get.” “Every hateful statement ever made about me is a dirty lie.” And more!

A Layman’s Understanding of Food Recipes

A mixture of dry and wet is tossed around in white sand to make frisbee upholstery. A wet sauce is spread with a robot’s golf club onto the frisbee upholstery. A block of white that was rubbed against a robot’s acne, dead animal discs, leaves, a different dead animal, green tubes, and black rings that can’t fit on your fingers are added to the frisbee upholstery. 

The Problem With American Medicine Is That It's Not Specialized Enough

It may seem that I have prospered greatly off the misfortunes of the left foot, but the truth is that my path to podiatrist fame and fortune was not always easy. When I first told my advisor I was planning to specialize in the left foot, she asked if I had been “taking those stupid improv classes again.” My father broke down in tears, which we later realized stemmed less from my announcement and more from a burst appendix.

Popular Romantic Comedies Rewritten for 2021

500 Days of Summer Might Convince People That Climate Change Is Real, There's Something About Mary That Makes You Think She’s the Kind of Person Who’d Fill Plastic Bags with Gasoline, Four Maskless Weddings That Led to at Least One Funeral, and more!

Rudebook Magazine

Looking Good: 12 Ways To Find and Keep Unattractive Friends To Stand Next To,Lithium: Cheer up any dish with this surprise seasoning, 'Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!' And Other Things To Yell During Orgasm, and more in this issue of Rudebook Magazine.

The Secret to Tom Hank’s Cool

Once Tom got a taste of anonymity and the police were looking for a suspect that didn’t exist, I had to keep creating new faces for him. It was a real challenge. Soon I he had to follow him around and do emergency make-up touch ups because of all the dirt, sweat, blood, and sometimes fire that would ruin the latex of his prosthetic face. One time he was robbing a bank and half the prosthetic almost melted off because of the SWAT Team’s flash grenades.

Why I, President Jimmy Carter, Am Considering Suing Hee Haw

The show’s animated mascot is a braying donkey. I am a praying member of the donkey party. I trust you all recognize this obvious attempt to make me look like a dopey cartoon.

Thanks To The Pandemic, Nobody Cares That I’m A Centaur

Look, I can think of a LOT of downsides to this pandemic. This constant, gnawing sense of uncertainty, a vague creeping panic over what tomorrow might bring, the inability to leave your house or live an ordinary life, maybe forever! But there ARE upsides. For me, anyway. Because thanks to the pandemic, nobody cares that I’m a centaur!

The Witch Demands a Retraction: Fairy Tale Reboots For Adults - [Book Excerpt]

Pinocchio Runs for Office, The Peeved Piper, Not So Snow White and so many more in this twisted collection of adult fairy tales! This hilarious collection of poems by Melissa Balmain puts a grown-up, contemporary spin on the stories and characters we all learned as children, from Little Red Riding Hood, to the Three Bears, the Pied Piper, and Cinderella; each delightfully depicted in full-color by Ron Barrett, (Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs) one of the best and award winning illustrators in the business. Now #1 in new releases on Amazon! Get your copy today!

QAnon Makes Other Predictions Now That Trump is Out of Office

On July 8th, all of the world’s cats will reveal that they’ve been able to talk this entire time, but just prefer to communicate by meowing and peeing on your clean laundry.

Tips on How Newly Transformed Chinese American Mike Huckabee Can Assimilate Into Asian American Society

Accept your new reality. It does not matter how you got here – whether it was a Sailor Moon transformation sequence or more of a Power Rangers assemble situation – you’re now 100% authentic grade A Chinese-American. That’s what matters.

A Memo To All Amazon Employees Regarding The Use Of Pee Bottles

We simply can’t afford to have any time being wasted. Well, technically, we can afford just about anything we want: our annual revenue in 2020 was $386 billion. But you don’t get that many B’s by letting employees take bathroom breaks.

Goodnight, Son: A Bedtime Story For Your Manchild

In the not-so-guest bedroom / There was a full-sized race car bed  / And my 398-month-old son tucked away, watching Beavis and Butthead 

Ramona Quimby, Age 48

“What does she mean ‘don’t be late?’” grumbled Ramona. Just because her older sister is in her fifties, Beezus thinks she’s so special. She’s always bragging about all the hormone replacement she gets to do, as if it’s some big deal or something. “I get hot flashes too,” Ramona groused.

Lost Dr. Seuss Book: Fox in Socks 2: A Descent Into Madness- Much Worse Then The Others!

If they're struggling with the drugs while they're chugging from a bottle, And they hide drugs up their buttholes just to get across the border, That's a druggy chugging wuggle buggle bottle butthole border struggle.

Errands I'm Going to Run While I Wait for My Covid Test Results

On my way back from the gym, I’ll quickly pop into the grocery store, butcher, fish shop, bakery, a nail salon, and a real estate office to see about taking some apartment tours in the next few days. Rent prices are actually pretty good right now for some reason, so I’m going to set up 7-9 tours for the next few days. Want to get them done in case I actually do have Covid, haha (unlikely, I’ve been so careful, especially when I was in Mexico).

Despite the Fact That I Personally Orchestrated His Release From Arkham Asylum, It Is Not My Responsibility as Mayor of Gotham City to Protect Citizens From Mr. Freeze

Only the strong who have a $50,000 backup generator in their basement will survive. The weak (poor), who do not have a $50,000 backup generator that has been specially programmed to be resistant to the cryogenics of Mr. Freeze will ultimately perish. Don’t blame me, blame your elected officials. No, not me. Your other elected officials. 

So, Honey, I Might Have Accidentally Drunk-bought Some GameStop Stock

No, no, you’re right, of course. Let me see if I can retrace my steps and figure out exactly how I bought in so I can… un-buy in? Whatever you call it. Unless we want to hold onto it and see how high it goes before it crashes? Ow! Ok, you’re right, but you didn’t have to smack me.

My January Exercise Journal With My New Workout Mirror!

Jan 5th: Did my first workout today. Phew, it’s hard to keep up with the instructor (a super smiley and toned gal named Holly) during all those thigh busting pop squats. She really understands what motivates me, like when she yells, “Every step you take gets me closer to FREEDOM!” She must know I love helping people.

Melania Trump’s Letter to Jill Biden

You have big stilettos to fill, for I was the greatest First Lady in the history of the United States. No other First Lady, both past and future, has even been or will ever be as good as me at avoiding the three evils: listening, caring, and working. 

CARTOON: Read Between The Lines

Decoding. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

Why I, A Rat, Won’t Tolerate One More Day on This Sinking Ship

And here we are. I don’t like to use the word hero (though I’m sure I will, many times, when I write my memoirs). I’m just a simple rat who knows right for wrong when I see it. And then, someday, after years of consideration, I finally choose to listen to the searing fires of my burning conscience. It’s what any good, patriotic rat would do.

For Immediate Release: Who Will Receive the Pfizer-BioNtech COVID-19 Vaccine (In Order of Priority)

29. Anti-Maskers (people who jeopardize public safety by refusing to wear a face mask) 30. Anti-Maskers (people who jeopardize a good time by refusing to watch Fox’s “The Masked Singer”) and more!

Now That's What I Call Christmas! 2020

Rudolph, The Disgraced Lawyer, All I Want For Christmas Are My Two Vaccines, Do You Fear What I Fear? And more!

BOOK EXCERPT: Slouchers: The Novelization

But Wes is a Gen X’er.   And Gen X’ers take matters into their own hands! The term “Gen X” was coined in 1991 by writer and “Baby Boomer” Douglas Coupland.   “Baby Boomer” is another important sociological term, this one coined years ago by a writer from the “Greatest Generation.”   Before that, no generations—at least with any marketable names—ever existed.   That’s just the way it was.  

Popular Scented Candles of 2020

Face Mask: Revolutionary technology that uniquely captures the fragrance of your own breath.

What to Do When Your Screaming Autocrat Won’t Leave the White House

Offer a choice. This will make him feel like he has some say in the matter, even though he doesn’t. “On the way home, do you want us to keep counting the votes in Pennsylvania or stop counting them?”


Weekly Humorist New Briefs: Breaking News, Into Little Pieces.

Weekly Humorist's Election Season Forecast Calendar

Thursday, October 15- Following the previous evening's debate, Trump voters decide to finally being wearing masks, but due to embarrassment rather than pandemic concerns.

Your Child’s First Day at Bezos Academy

We believe in the importance of letting your child develop their mind and spirit through the wonders of the great outdoors. Your child will be able to romp through our vast warehouses, venture through stacked metal crates, and crawl through ventilation to kill the rats that evaded the grasp of industrial-strength poison.

I’m Your Fitness Tracker, and I’m Worried About You 

I also feel like our relationship has suffered. When you originally customized my settings, you asked me to provide hourly “Get Up and Move!” alerts during your waking hours. But lately, you’ve been deleting these prompts by jabbing roughly at my screen. Remember, only a light tap of your finger is necessary!

I Will Absolutely Be Sending My Kids Back To Swim At Amity Island Even Though Jaws Is Still In The Water

This shark impacts different people in different ways. It violently pulls some people underwater, only to have their partial remains wash ashore the next day while others it merely maims and leaves permanently disfigured. 

Less Evil & Catastrophic, But Still Fairly Disturbing, Bombshell Revelations From Bob Woodward's Rage

Claims that, during his previous campaign, he didn't reveal to the American people that he was going to be such a shitty president because he "didn't want to create a panic".

Ways Jane Austen Heroines Deal With the Men They Love or Ways I Deal With People Who Won't Wear Masks During a Pandemic 

Go on lots of walks alone in the woods. Swear immovable hatred for them to no one in particular. Keep a detailed, running tally of their offenses in a diary. And more.

Good News From The Florin District School Board: Classes Will Now Be Held Outdoors In The Fire Swamp

We know you may have some concerns about this location and many people have already been lamenting, “We’ll never survive the fire swamp.” There was even a time, not that long ago, when no one had survived the Fire Swamp, but, thanks to Westley and Buttercup, that simply isn’t true anymore. If they can survive the three terrors of the Fire Swamp, so can you!


Weekly Humorist News Briefs: Breaking News, Into Little Pieces.

Evergreen Satire Headline Generator

Evergreen satire is hard! Use your birthday below to create a headline for your very own evergreen satire piece now! Then BAM- You’ve got the perfect evergreen headline! Now all you have to do is write the piece, submit it, and wait for the rejections to come pouring in!

Plagueboy Magazine

This Month’s PlagueMate Will Have You Rising Quicker Than Current Virus Cases!

The Five Most Popular 19th Century ASMR Recordings

SLEEP-INDUCING LAMPLIGHTER ROLEPLAY- Artist: Édouard-Léon Scott de Martinville: The French bookseller/inventor provides hushed descriptions of awkwardly mounting a ladder and lighting candles by means of a wick affixed to a long shaft.  The effect is as if the wick is miraculously thrust into the listener’s ear -- delicious shudders abound! 

90s Movie Plot Points Adjusted for 2020

Titanic: The ill-fated ship never ends up sailing because, well, COVID. Jack ended up just hanging out in Southampton continuing to make each day count, and playing card games that allowed him to maintain a safe social distance. Rose of course ends up married to Cal, but not without building a really impressive Pinterest board of wedding ideas first! It made for a really boring movie, but the ending is now unbelievably happy. 1,500 people got to live, and the marriage between Billy Zane and Kate Winslet produced some ridiculously good-looking children.


Always read the fine print! Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

If Shakespeare Characters Had Podcasts

Something Old, Something New, Something Borrowed, Something Stabby: Hi, we’re high school #powercouple Romeo and Juliet, and we bite our thumbs at your tacky wedding. Check out our weekly podcast where we answer all your most common wedding questions regarding: venue, music, difficult in-laws, and ways to prevent a dramatic accidental suicide over your way too intense love before the big day! Sponsored by

Danielle Steel Chats With Guys On Hinge

[ALEXANDER liked DANIELLE’S photo, captioned “Sourdough-re-me.”] ALEXANDER: Was it light, fluffy, and soft to the touch? DANIELLE: Talk gluten to me, dammit!

Trump's Other Photo-Op's You Might Have Missed

Trump used tear gas to clear peaceful protesters so he could have a photo op with a bible and a church. But there were other photo ops you might have missed!

Gen-X Songs Adjusted For Middle Age In Times Of Covid

It’s the end of the word as we know it, and I need wine (It’s the end of the word as we know it, REM)

The Spring 2020 Vera Wang Wedding Dress Collection

The Fauci – Strapless soft sweetheart full A-line gown with draped wrap DuPont Tyvek 400 haz-mat bodice and swirling frothy draped skirt made from high-density polyethylene with guaranteed protection from particles and virus < 1 micron in size.  Accentuated with organza sprig appliques with hand-tacked voluminous framed horsehair overskirt.  Available in ivory or white.  Or reflective yellow latex.

FICTION: Ivanka Run: Chapter 1- Greetings from Crimea

After years on the lam, world-class criminal mastermind Ivanka Trump must come out of hiding to find her long-lost husband.


SpongeBob NoPants, Bi-Curious George, The Gimpsons, and more #KinkyCartoons on this week's trending joke game!

Revised Rides at Reopening Disney Shanghai

If You Thought It Was A Small World Before, Just Wait A Few More Weeks, The Tower of Terrible Tik Toks, Don't Splash Anything On Me Mountain, and more.


Your first kiss!! Which type of face-masks are best? ... Page 34/ Win a Zoom chat video lunch date with Nick Jonas!! .... Page 38/ No need to social distance yourself from these hot shirtless hunk wall posters !!

If Other Professions Recruited Like Multi-Level Marketing Scams

If you’ve ever wanted to work in your pjs, set your own hours, and be the proud owner of your own business, I’d love to talk with you about becoming a stay-at-home mom. The hours are grueling and the opportunities to work literally never end...

We, Arby's, Regret to Inform You We No Longer 'Have the Meats'

We do not anticipate needing to resort to desperate measures, such as having veggies.

Classic Novels Rewritten for the Coronavirus Pandemic 

The Great Gatsby Regrets Having That Party Because Now He Has to Disinfect His Whole Damn House

Five Things That Are ‘6 Feet!’ (The Ultimate Guide to Help With Social Distancing)

You and your imaginary friend lying on the floor with your heads touching. (Make sure your imaginary friend is at least three inches). Need to adjust based on height.

Gluten-Free John Hughes Movies

Planes, Trains and Autoimmune Disorders Preventing the Enjoyment of Regular Breads and Cakes

One-Minute Coronavirus Mysteries

Yesterday morning, you baked a loaf of chocolate chip banana bread.  This morning, there was no chocolate chip banana bread left.  Why? (A: You ate the entire loaf last night in six minutes while ugly-crying about the future of humanity.)

The Little Pence

From forbidden asteroids to dinners alone, take a journey with The Little Pence.

Ask Dr. Kit: Pup Smear - Veterinary Queries

Dear Nuts...   You're trying to get me to use the phrase, "you should drain your lizard".   And I'm not going to do it.   Nope.   Please discontinue this nonsense.

Truly Terrible Tips & Tricks To Keep From Touching Your Own Face

Attempt to beat the world record for juggling. And more.

Rules of POLITICS the Board Game

Grab dice from other player’s hand, chuck across room and move pieces on board while America is looking the other way.

Revised Days of the Week

The new quarantined calendar includes, Sonday: Technically Monday, but everyone is still hungover from Saturday night - Sunday morning. Also, still wearing sweatpants from Sunday. No, I mean last Sunday, a week ago.

The College has Hired a Ragtag Group of Academic Con Artists to Ensure we Pass Middle States

We've skated by on our good looks and luck for too long, and now that we have a problem with our water fountains only dispensing Dr. Pepper, we can't afford to take a risk. This is why the college has decided to hire a ragtag group of academic thieves to help us pass Middle States. 

I Get Knocked Down.  But I Get Up Again.

I just got knocked down in between writing this paragraph and the paragraph above it, the one about getting knocked down and getting up again at the Richard Marx concert.

All I Had Were Turnips

I know I was supposed to bring an upside-down pineapple cake to the potluck, but I opened the fridge and all I had were turnips. Turnips, a bottle of ranch, and a dead bird I found in the yard a few weeks ago.

Have You Heard The One About President Trump?

With a gleam in his eye, the doctor jibes: “That’s true, Mr. President. But your brain is very unusual, because on the left side there isn’t anything right, while on the right side there isn’t anything left!”

Quiz: Have You Fallen Through a Magical Time Portal to Where You’re 17 Again, or Are You Just Self-Isolating Due to a Global Pandemic?

Everything feels totally out of your control so you’ve started making lanyard ankle bracelets. No one understands you except your cat/dog/succulent. You’ve started journaling. And more.

A Look Back on the Beatles, the Worst Band of the 1990s

“I Wanna Be Your Terminator 2” “With a Little Help from My Friends (Theme from Friends)” “You’re Gonna Lose That Macarena Girl” and more!

Buy My Book, It Will Protect You from the Coronavirus, Says Author Whose Public Appearances Have All Been Canceled

How can my book protect you, then? Well, for one thing, it’s such a compelling read you won’t want to leave your house, and if you don’t leave your house, you can’t catch anything.

Truly Terrible Tips For Staying Home To Avoid The Coronavirus

That huge stash of toilet paper you unwisely purchased at Costco?    Flaming rolls of toilet tissue make great projectiles to discourage neighbors, family and other potential germ-farms from getting too close to your house.

Little Red Riding Hood

It took Little Red Riding Hood all of five seconds to get over her grandmother’s death. And, unknown to the Wolf, Little Red Riding Hood had the super-human strength of ten giant hamsters and quickly subdued him.

Notes for My Cat Sitter

If she appears bored or lonesome, turn on 'Vanderpump Rules'. It reminds her that she hates society.

Witnesses Describe A Dueling Piano Bar Performance That Ended In Bloodshed

Agnes, 72 -- “He crawled on top of the piano trying to be sexy while holding back tears. The guy dressed as Pinocchio started singing and playing a made up song called “Piano-cchio Man” by pecking each key with his long nose. It was a clever play on words but a really long way to go for it.

An Ignorant Satirist Answers Your Questions About Coronavirus

Q: How can I protect myself? A: Sorry, you can’t. The universe is a totally random place.  How else can we possibly understand the popularity of 'Dancing With The Stars'?

If You Had COVID-19 and the Presidential Candidates Were Your Doctors

Trump: Probably just a cold. You should go back to work.  *Resident behind him* He doesn't even work here.

Sample Scripts for the Elizabeth Warren Drunken Recrimination Phone Bank

You’ve indicated in the past that you’d be happy to vote for a woman, you just “weren’t that into” Hillary Clinton. And yet you’ve voiced concerns that Elizabeth Warren just isn’t “electable.” What does “electable” mean to you?

Other Reality Dating Shows Willfully Misinterpreting Famous Love Quotes

* “A rose by any other name would smell as sweet” - Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet * Now streaming on Netflix: A Rose As Sweet! One bachelor will date twenty women named Rose. The twist: he can’t see them or talk to them. He must decide which Rose to marry -- only by smelling them.

Anti-Vaxxer Logic Applied to Your Middle School Years

Remember that time you tried to talk to Angie Driscoll when she was drinking from the water fountain and she choked because you startled her and her friends whisked her away and you just stood there staring at your pants? That’s why your parents got divorced.

Who Really Solves a Majority of Murders?

Mystery novelists (both big city and small town), Single women who recently inherited a business from a dead Aunt (most likely a bakery),  Sassy New Jersey bounty hunters, and more!

OH! THE PLACES YOU’LL GO! As a Single Woman on Group Trips

You’ll look at the mountains. Look ‘em over with care! / Because on our ski trip, you’ll stay in that lair./ With your body so small and your person so single, / you won’t mind if the bobcats come in to commingle./

Classic Dog Films, Starring Cats

HOMEWARD BOUND: The SEAVER FAMILY’s three cats, CHANCE, SHADOW and SASSY, are abandoned at a ranch by mistake. Faced with making an inspiring, cross-country journey back to their loving owners, the three cats immediately give up and decide to become the property of whoever will feed them first. The Seaver family never see their pets again.

CARTOON: Debatable

The job interview process is a pain. Today's cartoon by Bob Eckstein.

The Queen's New Titles for Harry and Meghan

Lord and Lady Quittersley, Mr. and Mrs. Filthy-Commoner, and more.

The Democratic Candidates Ate The Plums That Were In The Icebox 

Warren, “Yes, I ate every single plum. And yes, I knew that you wanted to eat them for lunch. But hey, I’m human, and probably the first woman to eat them. I don’t expect you to forgive me, but what if I told you that I’ve got a plan to replenish them? What if I told you that eating them was a part of my plan all along?” 

A Quick Word From Your Super Chill Non-Confrontational Roommate

Hey. So me and the donkey have been talking. And we want you to move out, since you don’t pay rent or anything. The donkey is gonna get my room, and I'm gonna sleep on the back porch. The donkey is also gonna get your room, since it needs an office. It works from home so it makes sense. 

Nine Quagmires You Can Only Understand If You Are a Teenage Worker Working at Edible Arrangements the Week Prior to Valentine’s Day

6)  You instinctively dip your hand into the vat of hot milk chocolate to retrieve the AirPod and you burn your fingers.

We Regret to Inform You That Vantage Consulting Will No Longer Be Using Your Pigeons for Our Internal Memos

Over the past 30 years, we have taken great pride in being the only company that still uses pigeons for our office communication. As a company committed to the well-being of both our employees and customers, we have always felt that modern technology (electronic mail and plumbing) is tearing apart the very fabric of the family business.

Letters To Santa

When Santa writes back it's not always cheery.

Talkward w/ guests Michael Bleicher & Andy Newton

This episode of Talkward welcomes comedy writers and authors Michael Bleicher and Andy Newton! The humor writing duo has been published in McSweeney's, Points In Case, Crack The Spine and Weekly Humorist. They discuss their writing process, the power of Google Docs, and the state of the world. Their debut novel "From the Campaign Trail or Thereabouts" a satirical road trip comedy taking place during the events of the 2016 election is on sale now from imprint Humorist Books.

EXCLUSIVE BOOK EXCERPT: 'From the Campaign Trail or Thereabouts' ~ Buy It Today!

First chapter excerpt of the new political satire novel 'From the Campaign Trail or Thereabouts'. Now available from Humorist Books!