Originals
Spooky Season: Three Hidden Pitfalls of Halloween
Decorative Inflatable Witches Can Be Embarrassing From Certain Angles, and We Need to Acknowledge That.
Entries by Joe Blevins
Originals
How Nikki Haley Could Revive Her Failing Presidential Campaign
How did it happen, America? The 2024 presidential election is getting closer and closer, and somehow, the presumptive nominees are the same two melted goblins who ran against each other in 2020. WE HAD FOUR YEARS TO FIND BETTER PEOPLE! AND WE STILL DIDN’T DO IT!
Best Of 2021
Lost Dr. Seuss Book: Fox in Socks 2: A Descent Into Madness- Much Worse Then The Others!
If they’re struggling with the drugs while they’re chugging from a bottle, And they hide drugs up their buttholes just to get across the border, That’s a druggy chugging wuggle buggle bottle butthole border struggle.
Originals
Donald Trump’s Medical Examination: Five Surprising Findings
Mr. Trump’s fondness for the Golden Arches and other fast food chains is well known. What has not been widely reported, however, is that there is an entire, working McDonald’s restaurant located deep within the presidential intestines.
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I Hope It’s Okay That I Brought My Therapy Dolphin To Your Party
I call him my little cuddle bunny, even though he’s, like, slimy. I guess I could be hugging a wet garbage bag full of gym socks and get the same effect, but it wouldn’t be alive, you know?
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Jonathan Franzen’s Other Rules For Novelists
Treat the reader like you would treat your own mother — distantly but politely. Call the reader once a year but no more.
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Sorry, Boss, But I’m Still Processing the Ariana Grande/Pete Davidson Breakup
No. No, I didn’t know either of them personally. I knew them through their work. Well, his work. You know, on SNL. The “Chad the Pool Boy” sketches. I’m not really into current pop music, so I’m not too familiar with her songs.
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Uncle Craig, We Really Need to Talk About What Happened at Family Feud Last Week
As you know, it’s been a full week since our taping of Family Feud in Atlanta. Yes, we’re disappointed that we lost. Badly. And, sure, it would have been nice to have the opportunity to play for $20,000 in the Fast Money round, plus a chance at winning a brand-new, fully-loaded Ford Edge. But that’s not what this is about.
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The Dark Truth Behind Popular Christmas Songs, As Told By Supporting Characters
“Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer” As told by: Dasher Okay, let me say this right off the bat: Rudolph is a dick. I want that known. I want it in print. He was a dick before he got famous, and he was even worse afterward. Just impossible to work with. And, as you might guess, I’m […]
News Briefs
Freeze Out: Captain Cold Booted From Legion Of Doom After Sexual Harassment Allegations
METROPOLIS — Captain Cold, the supervillain known worldwide for his trademark parka and freeze gun, is no longer a member of the Legion of Doom. The remaining 12 members of the Legion, an intergalactic terrorist group dedicated to the conquest of the universe, voted unanimously to expel Cold during an emergency meeting held late last […]
Originals
Bodyslam Your Way To Greatness: The Gianforte Way
Hello, my fellow God-fearing Americans. My name is Greg Gianforte. I’m a successful businessman of some sort, and I’m proud to be representing my home state of Montana as its newly-elected (and, I think, only? have someone check on that) congressman. You’ve probably been hearing a lot about me in the news these last few […]
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LEAKED! Ernie’s Memo To Staff On New HBO Set of Sesame Street
Recently, the internet learned of a memo supposedly penned by Steve Harvey in which the bald-pated, mustachioed, sharply-dressed talk show host admonishes his staff not to approach him when he’s in the studio. As shocking as this memo was, it pales in comparison with a document that was forwarded to us by a disgruntled PBS […]
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STAR WARS SHOCKER: “THREEPIO’S BEEN BEATING ME FOR YEARS,” SOBS ARTOO
SOMEWHERE IN THE GALAXY – Finally equipped with a simple voice synthesizer that translates his beeps and bleeps into recognizable human speech, beloved astromech droid R2-D2 has confirmed to the press what many in the Star Wars universe have long whispered: that he has been suffering physical and verbal abuse at the hands of his […]
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Can We Guess Your Age As Part Of A Deeply Sinister Population Control Program?
It’s time for us to come clean, readers. Now that the cat is already out of the bag, thanks to that nosy little tattletale Edward “The Snitch” Snowden, there’s no use in denying it anymore: Yes, we at BuzzFeed have been using our many, many quizzes about pop culture and junk food to gather information […]
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The University of Chicago’s Letter to Incoming Students
The University of Chicago recently garnered a great deal of media attention when a form letter it sent to incoming freshmen became public. Among other things, the school’s Dean of Students let it be known in this letter that the institution would not honor so-called “safe spaces” or “trigger warnings” that have become the standard […]
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The Endings Of Those Novels You Were Supposed To Read Over The Summer
A new school year is fast approaching, and I’m willing to bet you haven’t even started on that assigned reading list you were supposed to complete over the summer, you lazy skidmark of a human being. No, you were too busy being distracted by shiny objects you found on the ground. Either that, or you […]
Originals
The Crossword Couple!
NOTE TO READERS: “The Crossword Couple,” Eric and Colleen Belknap, are currently in the process of dissolving their 15-year marriage. By mutual agreement of their lawyers, they are continuing to co-author this syndicated newspaper feature, albeit under duress. Please bear that in mind as you read these clues. Thank you. ACROSS (His Side) 1. “A […]
Originals
For All The Nevers In Life: If The State Farm Ad was Self-Aware
[We open on a wild, alcohol-fueled pool party with college age guests. A bikini clad babe is lounging poolside, looking delectable. From a table nearby, a young man in a Hawaiian shirt and swim trunks watches her, hunger in his eyes. His dorky buddies are seated at the table as well. He turns to them […]
Originals
Batman and Superman: AN ORAL HISTORY
Superman: Oh, yeah, we were tight. Me and Bats? Are you kidding? In the ’70s, we were unstoppable. We’d film The Super Friends by day and dominate the club scene by night. We were getting pussy by the metric ton. It wasn’t even fair. Of course, the show was done out in L.A. The exterior […]
Originals
New Art Gallery Openings
Winter has arrived, why not go out and see an art exhibit or two? They’re all pretty much the same. And surprise surprise, they’re all in Chelsea. Pierce Ubsnell, “Finns I Have Fisted: An Artist Reflects” (Edgard Pierpoint Gallery, Chelsea. Through February 20.) Judging by his portrait in the catalog, this guy doesn’t look […]
Originals
The Summer of My Erotic Marxist Awakening
I suppose we were what you’d call an odd couple, Karl Heinrich Marx and me. After all, I was just a pimple-faced 16-year-old from Kenosha, WI, and he was the German revolutionary and theorist whose Communist Manifesto had forever altered the course of Western Civilization.
Originals
IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE – THE DISCARDED “POTTERSVILLE” ENDING
The screenplay for the 1946 holiday classic It’s a Wonderful Life went through any number of drafts before reaching its final version. The following, coffee-stained pages were recently discovered among the personal papers of director Frank Capra after they were donated by his estate to Indian Hills Community College in Ottumwa, Iowa. They reveal a […]