It’s time for us to come clean, readers.
Now that the cat is already out of the bag, thanks to that nosy little tattletale Edward “The Snitch” Snowden, there’s no use in denying it anymore: Yes, we at BuzzFeed have been using our many, many quizzes about pop culture and junk food to gather information about you, the internet-addicted public. And, yes, we have been routinely selling that information to top-level government bureaucrats. How the fuck did you think we were staying in business? Ad revenue from Skinnygirl? Get real.
Wait, don’t get mad. We can explain.
Several years ago, we were contacted by representatives from various nations, including the United States, who were having trouble getting reliable data about their own citizens. It turns out that people wouldn’t fill out a goddamned census form, but they sure as hell would take some jackoff quiz about Super Mario or Disney Princesses or pumpkin spice or whatever the fuck else we could come up with. People will do anything to get out of doing productive work.
And that’s all it took! Thanks to those quizzes, we now know your location, your occupation, your number of siblings, your income, your sexual preferences, your buying habits, and, most importantly, your age. Ah, yes, that’s what we were really after all this time.
You see, the governments of the world have long known that the earth was soon approaching a point at which its resources would no longer support its population. And so, taking a cue from Logan’s Run, it has been decided to exterminate anyone over a certain age. Thanks to these BuzzFeed quizzes, we now know where all of you oldsters are. And, rest assured, we’re coming for you.
But before the Great Clickbait Harvesting of 2017 arrives, take this one last “Can we guess your age?” quiz. A word to the wise: Answer it very, very carefully. Your responses are being monitored.
1. My idea of a great singer is:
A. Demi Lovato
B. Paul McCartney
C. Tony Bennett
D. Please, I don’t want to die! I just started taking cooking lessons!
2. My standard Chipotle order is:
A. Burrito bowl
C. Chips and guac
D. How are you getting away with this? This can’t be legal!
3. My favorite straight-to-video Disney sequel is:
A. The Return of Jafar
B. The Lion King II: Simba’s Pride
C. Tinker Bell and the Legend of the NeverBeast
D. I’m still paying off my mortgage. Will my children now inherit that debt?
4. How “basic” are you?
A. So basic, you guys
B. Please! I’m not basic at all
C. More basic than I let on.
D. Is it true there’s a place called Sanctuary where “runners” can live in peace?
5. For me, a perfect Friday night means:
B. Netflix and chill
C. Just Netflix, no chill
D. I know it’s dangerous, Maureen, but I have to take the risk! I’m making a break for it tonight!
6. If I were an emoji, I’d be:
A. The smiley face
B. The pile of poop
C. Pizza, y’all!
D. Why are you looking at me so strangely, Maureen? MAUREEN?!!
7. Which actor is your spirit animal?
A. Paul Newman
B. Kevin Costner
C. Jennifer Lawrence
D. You mean you were in on it? You sold me out, Maureen! How could you?
8. When I graduated from high school, _____________ was president.
A. Gerald Ford
B. Bill Clinton
C. I’m not even in high school yet.
D. Where are you taking me? Get your hands off me!
9. This TV show was basically my entire childhood:
A. Romper Room
C. Yo Gabba Gabba
D. What is this place? Where am I? I HAVE A RIGHT TO KNOW! I’M AN AMERICAN CITIZEN!
10. The best topping for froyo is:
A. Oreo crumbles
B. Jimmies and marshmallow fluff
D. Just let Maureen know I forgive her. On second that, scratch that. FUCK YOU, MAUREEN! I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL!
- About the Author
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Originally from Flint, MI, but now making his home in the suburbs of Chicago, Joe Blevins is a self-described darkener of doorsteps and a chronicler of all things that truly do not matter. Of late, he has been wasting the time of readers through The A.V. Club, Splitsider, and his own blog, Dead 2 Rights, which used to be about zombies before those became a cliche. Now it’s about god knows what.