Donald Trump’s Medical Examination: Five Surprising Findings
WASHINGTON – Following Donald Trump’s surprise visit to Walter Reed National Military Center this weekend, the President’s doctor has released a memorandum assuring the public that the Commander in Chief is fine and that the visit was purely “routine.”
“He’s a paragon of health,” writes Dr. Sean Conley. “I’ve never seen a stronger or more vital 73-year-old in my life. The man should be be playing fullback for the Patriots. And I swear I’m not just saying that.”
However, despite Conley’s nonchalance, some unusual findings have emerged from the physician’s complete report, which was released to the press on Tuesday. Here, then, are five fascinating abnormalities about our nation’s 45th commander in chief and the leader of the free world.
- He has a blowhole.
“It’s the damnedest thing,” Conley comments in regard to the smallish, almost vaginal orifice on the top of Mr. Trump’s head. “He seems to breathe out of it. I guess his hair covers it up most of the time, but in retrospect, you can kind of see it on windy days. I’ll admit, I stuck my finger in there and rooted around a little. I was curious, as anyone would be. Mostly it felt wet and squishy, but then my finger rested on something that felt more like hard plastic or metal. So I stuck my whole hand inside — it’s quite flexible — and pulled out one of those translucent Swatch watches from the 1980s. It still worked. When I showed it to the president, he said, ‘So that’s where that went!’ We didn’t say any more about it.”
- His blood has some foreign substances in it. Kind of a lot, actually.
“Strictly speaking,” Conley notes in his report, “only about 60% of Mr. Trump’s blood is what we’d normally refer to as human blood. The rest is a curious blend of John Forsythe’s Dynasty cologne, Goldschläger, and embalming fluid. But we found trace amounts of many other substances: children’s tears, the sweat of the oppressed workers of the world, cheap mascara, high fructose corn syrup, and, most surprisingly, Nickelodeon Gak. I still don’t know how that Gak got there. Oh, well. It seems to be working for him.”
- He’s “squishier” than you’d expect.
“People have this idea that Mr. Trump’s hide is tough and leathery after a lifetime of over-tanning and being out on the golf course in direct sunlight for hours at a time,” says Conley. “Not true at all. His skin is remarkably soft and smooth, and the ample flesh underneath is very malleable. You can grab big handfuls of it and stretch it and squish it between your fingers. It’s a lot of fun. You couldn’t do that with the last guy [Obama] at all. So in that aspect, at least, he’s an upgrade.” Dr. Conley noted with particular glee that Trump’s ample flesh could be used to make a copy of the Sunday funnies, a la Silly Putty. “I put a Beetle Bailey comic on his left butt cheek. As far as I know, it’s still there.”
- On the inside, his upper body is exactly like the refrigerator from Ghostbusters.
Doctors, political pundits, and theologians alike are puzzling over this next detail. While most people’s upper bodies contain a functioning heart, two lungs, and a rib cage, Mr. Trump’s instead contains a supernatural portal to an eerie, fog-shrouded dimension governed by a mysterious entity called Gozer the Gozerian. “This was something we originally uncovered during a routine chest x-ray,” Conley explains, “though I suspected something was amiss when I put a stethoscope to Mr. Trump’s heart and heard only a deep, guttural voice saying, ‘ZUUL!'” This, Conley notes, is the name of Gozer’s faithful minion. “There’s a lot going on in there,” Conley elaborates. “There’s a temple surrounded by a swirling vortex of clouds. It’s really quite beautiful.”
In a related development, the physician also noted that the Gremlins theme could be heard emanating from Mr. Trump’s penis whenever a nurse entered the examination room. “Even when he’s asleep, it knows. It somehow just senses the presence of a female nearby. He must have to buy soundproof underwear.”
- There’s a fully-functioning McDonald’s in his lower intestine.
Mr. Trump’s fondness for the Golden Arches and other fast food chains is well known. What has not been widely reported, however, is that there is an entire, working McDonald’s restaurant located deep within the presidential intestines. “It’s a tiny McDonald’s,” Conley clarifies, “not a full-sized one. Nevertheless, there are wee little workers inside, making hamburgers, fries, and milkshakes. Truly remarkable. Just as an experiment, I asked about their immigration status, and they all went running in different directions.”
Originally from Flint, MI, but now making his home in the suburbs of Chicago, Joe Blevins is a self-described darkener of doorsteps and a chronicler of all things that truly do not matter. Of late, he has been wasting the time of readers through The A.V. Club, Splitsider, and his own blog, Dead 2 Rights, which used to be about zombies before those became a cliche. Now it’s about god knows what.