How did it happen, America? The 2024 presidential election is getting closer and closer, and somehow, the presumptive nominees are the same two melted goblins who ran against each other in 2020. WE HAD FOUR YEARS TO FIND BETTER PEOPLE! AND WE STILL DIDN’T DO IT!
On one side, you have Donald Trump, a third-tier Batman villain who is probably planning how to poison Gotham City’s water supply. (Or maybe he’s a fourth-tier Dick Tracy villain…Tangerine Face?) On the other, you have Joe Biden, who could be a stand-in for Gary Oldman’s character in Hannibal (2001). It’s quite possible he died several years ago and is being made to speak and move around through the magic of Disney imagineering.
Against these two rejects from Jim Henson’s Creature Shop, former UN Ambassador Nikki Haley should be crushing it. But she’s not. In Iowa, she even lost to Ron DeSantis, a guy who looks like he yells at Hooters waitresses. And after a disappointing finish in New Hampshire (title of my porn movie, BTW), she’s under pressure to drop out of the race.
It could be that the American public is not comfortable voting for someone named Nikki. You may not want your president to sound like a kid in your niece’s Aqua-Tots class. Maybe as a Helen or an Evelyn, Haley could be a frontrunner. But I think the problem is that Nikki Haley’s campaign is not emphasizing her best features. So let’s change that now. These are the points that the candidate should be selling the public:
1. She’s allowed to drive after dark.
American Presidents don’t drive themselves around that much. They tend to get chauffeured everywhere. But, still, you’d like to think that the Leader of the Free World could make an emergency CVS run at 10 p.m. on a Tuesday if she absolutely had to. Face it, you wouldn’t want Biden or Trump doing that.
2. If your doctor looked like her, you wouldn’t immediately panic.
That’s a major plus for any politician, right? Not freaking people out when they walk into the examining room at the UrgentCare? And if it helps you to visualize this, just replace the word “doctor” in that last sentence with “gynecologist.” Now you’re starting to sweat at the thought of either Biden or Trump in a white coat. Isn’t Nikki Haley looking better and better to you?
3. She could easily identify Taylor Swift in a photograph.
Being the president requires a wide variety of skills, one of which is the ability to recognize the most famous celebrity in America. And Nikki Haley is the only remaining candidate who can do it. Ladies and gentlemen, I have conducted my own research on this topic, and both Trump and Biden failed miserably. When shown a candid pic of Tay at a Chiefs game, Biden merely responded, “I don’t know. Corn Pop?” (This was after a minute of silence.) And Trump said, “Is that one of my daughters? I’d hit that.”
4.She’s not old enough to have been one of the Little Rascals in the 1930s.
Don’t ask Nikki Haley to share any colorful anecdotes about working with Carl “Alfalfa” Switzer. She doesn’t have any. And what were Buckwheat and Spanky “really like”? Nikki Haley couldn’t tell you. Because she wouldn’t be born for decades.
5. Does she even have kids? That’s just it. You don’t know and don’t care.
Lately, the headlines have been gummed up with the sleazy antics of Hunter Biden, the Chet Haze of the Biden clan and proof that Hunter S. Thompson was the last good Hunter. But let’s not forget that Eric Trump and Don, Jr. can match Hunter Biden gross scandal for gross scandal. Meanwhile, America, there’s a candidate whose kids (if they exist) are not interesting enough to make the news. Another tremendous plus for Haley!
6. She can speak in clear, coherent sentences.
Sure, you might not agree with everything she says in those sentences, but at least they have subjects and predicates. You know when they start and end. That should be a requirement for all American politicians. Especially, like, the main one.
So Nikki Haley, if you’re reading this, don’t throw in the towel quite yet. Give this thing another couple of weeks. You’re the least upsetting person running for president in 2024. Make that work for you! I can see the bumper stickers now — HALEY 2024: AT LEAST SHE’S PRESENTABLE!
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Originally from Flint, MI, but now making his home in the suburbs of Chicago, Joe Blevins is a self-described darkener of doorsteps and a chronicler of all things that truly do not matter. Of late, he has been wasting the time of readers through The A.V. Club, Splitsider, and his own blog, Dead 2 Rights, which used to be about zombies before those became a cliche. Now it’s about god knows what.