Thank You For Slaying The Fire-Breathing Dragon and Breaking the Witch’s Curse Placed on Me, but I’m Just Not Looking for a Relationship Right Now

Oh, thank you, valiant prince for conquering the lair of the evil Malvusta and saving me from my peril. No mortal man has ever defeated her foul beasts and wicked magic. Such gallantry will surely be spoken of in legends for millennia. You are literally my knight in shining armor, just not someone I see being with long-term.

Look, it’s not you. You’re a really great guy for doing all this, and any other princess locked up far away would be so lucky to have you. It’s just that I have so much going on with me right now that I don’t have time to be betrothed by the first royal hunk who comes to my aid. I’ve already done the whole “damsel getting rescued and marrying the hero prince” thing, and honestly, it’s not for me.

To put it simply: I’ve had a lot of time to think since falling into the clutches of Malvusta. I realized, I don’t want to be tied down. I was literally tied down for an entire year. I want to go out and see the world, have adventures, make some real connections that aren’t just with mice and swallows.

If you still want to be friends, I would be more than happy to accommodate your wish. We can dance together at the next royal ball, but platonically, of course. We can sing songs out in the forest about our enduring friendship alongside the prancing woodland creatures. Let’s just not complicate things by trying to unite our kingdoms and all that messy stuff.

And no, I’m not just saying this because I’m not looking for a relationship with you specifically…

But… Now that we’re here, maybe I can give you advice on what to do better the next time you save some fair maiden.

Firstly, maybe wipe off all the battle sweat from your face before you start frenching me. There is literally no rush. Seriously, I’m under a sleeping enchantment. I’m not going anywhere. Secondly, try introducing yourself after I wake. A “Hi my name is Prince Charming” would suffice in lieu of your first words to me being, “We shall wed at dawn.”

Also maybe do something about that Prince Charming name. I’m just getting major ick from it.

So, again, despite your insistence that our undying love will bring everlasting peace and prosperity to the land, I really just see us more as friends. Yes, I know only true love’s kiss was supposed to break the enchantment placed on me, but I literally just met you. I’m starting to think Malvusta wasn’t that great of a witch after all.

I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, or lose your confidence to get out there. I’m just looking for different things right now. I’m throwing down my hair, but I’m raising my expectations. I’m reclaiming my voice now that it’s not in the possession of an evil witch. I’m shedding my corset and taking some self-defense classes so I can maybe stop getting kidnapped.

I hope you understand.

Also not for nothing: I’m 18 and you’re 29.