Best of 2023

LinkedIn Through the Ages


When Callimachus asked me to deliver news of Greece’s victory by running the 26.2 miles to Athens, my first thought was, “This is going to kill me.”My next thought was, “I’m going to kill this.”


I call that the Marathon Mentality.


Even if I die completing this arbitrarily urgent task, it will be worth it as long as people remember my name, not the distance I covered or the city I ran from.


It might sound cheesy, but I’m insanely lucky to work for Vlad the Impaler. Every day our team of ninjas is sharpening our skills – and our blades – to get more bodies out the door and onto pikes.


Yesterday I slapped a hundred heathens onto pikes, unprompted. Vlad took notice and gave me a little grim nod of approval. That’s all the personal validation I need to justify my war crimes.


It’s so awesome to work someplace where initiative is encouraged and disloyalty is met with the business end of a spear. I may have blood on my hands, but I also have gratitude in my heart.


I’ve been sitting on this news (heh) for weeks, but I’m thrilled to finally announce that I’ll be joining Richmond Palace as King Henry VII’s new Groom of the Stool!


I’m a HUGE fan of the king’s small intestine, and I can’t wait to sit across from him and pick his brain while his legendary guts do their thing. Other than being a Tudor, he’s totally self-made. I’m kind of stoolstruck, tbh.


I have some super-exciting ideas about how to make his dumps even more regally soft (spoiler alert: mercury). Stay tuned for more updates from this badass Bowel Boss!


Being a leech collector isn’t all glitz and glamour. Sometimes I’m just not in the mood to take off my pants, stomp through a swamp, and whack leeches with a club till they latch their razor mouths onto my legs, arms, torso, and face.


But here’s what gets me out of the cot every morning: I think about all the good those leeches are going to do for folks. Folks who have acne, indigestion, or visits from the melancholia demon. Lady-folks who are moon-bleeding, or worse, speaking.


Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I imagine all the lives that will be saved by draining them of their lives. Does being a leech collector suck? Yeah, leeches suck. And I think that’s beautiful.




Want to know how I became one of North America’s most influential lime-burners? Here’s how I do it:


2:45 am: Arrive at tiny brick building with no ventilation

3 am-11 am: Aggressively shovel limestone into kiln

11 am-12pm: Coughing fits #limepeopleproblems

12 pm-5 pm: Burn, baby, burn (lime, but also my throat)

5 pm-5:30 pm: Blindness takes hold, lol

5:30 pm-11 pm: Burn more lime until fully blind, paralyzed, or otherwise incapacitated

11 pm-2:30 am: Pass out

2:45 am: Do it all over again, frere


#riseandlime #burnandearn #limetrepreneur

REMOTE, U.S.A. – 2023 A.D.

Wow, what a journey. After a whirlwind 24 hours at my new job, I was part of today’s mass layoffs. No hard feelings, y’all – inflation is wild, and our CEO only makes $60 million a year. (Brian is a total genius/GOAT/angel, btw. There’s no way those accusations are true.)


While I wish things had worked out differently, I learned a ton about the culture here, and I’m so proud of all our team – sorry, my former team (that’s so weird to say!) – accomplished in just one day.


I’m now officially looking for work, so please hit me up if you know of any open roles in HR!