5 Euphemisms to Watch in 2018
You’ll never look at a bill the same way again once it’s been redefined as an emotional journey. You pay a bill, but a payment experience enriches you.
Calling someone a “jerk” is so 2017. Some people may be harder for typically tempermented individuals to get along with, sure, but it’s important to use the right term.
The word “bed” can’t capture the glory of the plush surface on which a healthy human being spends around eight hours each day. It’s not a couch, where you’d recline for shorter periods of time; but it’s sure not a coffin, where you’d recline for a longer stay, either. It’s for the medium-term.
“Death” is a scary term, but the fact is we don’t know what miracles science may bring in the future. Some backwards-thinkers may believe those who depart this physical world are never to return, but who’s to say they’re not going to revive us all later? To us, so-called “death” is essentially the same as when a professor spends a semester writing a book about doughnuts’ ability to bond disparate populations in the American Midwest.
Anything that’s not a house shall henceforth be called a “house,” and houses should also go by that name. Confused? You needn’t be. Just pile your houses into a house and ride it on the house toward your new house, then go in the front house and turn on the house to look up how to properly use house in your houses about house. See? It’s perfectly house.
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Jonathan Zeller is a writer, editor and comedian who’s contributed to McSweeney’s, The New York Times, and Teen Vogue.
