Entries by Jonathan Zeller


Originals

Gambling Problem? Visit Our Casino!

Let’s say your friend Frank has a particularly bad hankering to gamble; you can pledge $100 in support of his recovery, voicing your confidence that he can abstain from betting. If Frank makes it six months without placing a bet, your $100 contribution will net you a $1,000 “thank you” payment—a reward for your faith in your buddy.

Best of 2023

I Want You to Have This Book, Which I’ve Read in the Bathroom

The ideal reading experience is on paper, not a screen, because books are tactile. You can tell that this tome has been loved, and now I want to pass it along to you so that you can love it too. The evidence of its having been well-enjoyed is everywhere: Its binding is worn at the edges. Its pages are dog-eared. It has a certain scent.

Best of 2022

I Am Happy with My Choice to Remain Childless. Also, Call Me “Uncle Jon.” You Must Care for Me When I Am Old. 

Your purpose isn’t to please your parents. It’s to find your own bliss, whether that comes from bar trivia, travel to destinations that allow you to bring your dog, or covering my rent once I’m too old to work but haven’t amassed a large enough 401(k) to last through retirement.

Best of 2022

How to Hold Your Therapist’s Attention

Paint a Pretty Picture: Describe the people in your life as more attractive than they are. A good-looking cast begets a good, listening therapist. Vividly detail stunning features, exotic locales, and witty repartee. Consider giving your characters catchphrases. For example: “Now that’s what I call a doughnut, volume cake!” It makes sense in context.

Originals

Enjoy Your Weekly Humorist Article, Hartford

Hartford’s area codes are 860 and 959: Whenever someone talks about “life in the 860 or 959,” if that’s something they do, maybe that’s what they’re talking about. I’m not sure what slang terms Hartford folk use to discuss their city.

Originals

The Rules of Baseball Caps

Let’s say the cap in question is an Expos cap. If someone else utters “Go Expos” or a similar phrase, you must express return excitement verbally or via a gesture. The sound or gesture must be such that a typical, rational person would interpret it as a sign of enthusiasm.

Best Of 2021

Your Favorite Orders on Timeless, the Time-Travel Food-Delivery Service

Recession Special from the Greenwich Village Gray’s Papaya, 2002: Our courier will bring you two hot dogs and a “banana daiquiri” drink whose taste is scarcely even related to banana. It won’t be spoiled; he picked it up from 2002 five minutes ago, then jumped into his time-traveling Chevrolet Impala.

originals

The Craziest Lost Beverly Hills, 90210 Episodes of All Time

“Side Burned”
In a shocking season finale, Brandon and Kelly call off their engagement after Brandon discovers that Kelly has been carrying on an emotional affair with his sideburns. “Choose, Kel,” he demands: “them or me.”

originals

Sorry, Ken Burns, But Your Eleven-and-a-Half-Hour Civil War Documentary Is Not Real Comedy

It feels like these days it’s fashionable to make just about anything and call it “comedy.” Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but I think if it was good enough for Groucho Marx, Milton Berle, and Jerry Seinfeld, it’s good enough for me. So I’ve got to speak the truth about the latest so-called “comedy” special I saw on Netflix this weekend:

News Briefs

It’s the Audio Version of “The Dress”: Some People Hear “Yanny,” Others Hear “Laurel,” and You Hear the Voice of a Robot Demon Condemning You to Eternal Suffering

The internet is going crazy again, thanks to the most mind-blowingly controversial meme since “The Dress” that some saw as blue and others saw as gold. This time, the culprit is an audio file that some hear as “Yanny,” others hear as “Laurel,” and you hear as the voice of a demon condemning you to […]

originals

The Best Jokes By Elon Musk’s Secret New Joke-Writing Robot About Elon Musk’s Secret New Joke-Writing Robot

This week, tech entrepreneur Elon Musk made news by hiring former Onion staffers for a mysterious satire project called “Thud!” Most media sources aren’t sure what “Thud!” is all about, but we have discovered that Musk has set out to build a joke-writing robot that will replace human comedians—including the staff of Weekly Humorist. Tough […]

originals

The Best Lyrics From Limp Bizkit’s New Apology Album

Limp Bizkit’s highly anticipated sixth studio album, Stampede of the Disco Elephants, has been beset by nearly seven years of delays as Fred Durst and his bandmates have locked themselves in the studio crafting a thoughtful response to a changing world in which gender relations and what it means to be a man have been completely […]

Originals

Most Romantic Valentine’s Day Lies

  “I’ll love you forever.” In cosmic terms, a human life is but a blink of an eye. Still, see if he buys it. “I can’t imagine my life without you.” You can, and you do. But we bet she’ll eat this one up. “I wouldn’t change a single thing about you.” Real talk: your […]

originals

5 Euphemisms to Watch in 2018

Payment Experience You’ll never look at a bill the same way again once it’s been redefined as an emotional journey. You pay a bill, but a payment experience enriches you. Differently Tempermented Calling someone a “jerk” is so 2017. Some people may be harder for typically tempermented individuals to get along with, sure, but it’s […]

originals

How Bojack Horseman Changed Television: Every Character is Now a Horse

The Netflix original animated series Bojack Horseman has changed television in many ways. It has brought added complexity and darkness to comedy and animation. It has encouraged a national discussion about depression. But the most important change Bojack has brought to television is this: every character is now a horse. Back in 2014, when Bojack premiered, hardly any characters were horses. […]

originals

11 Amazing Last Minute Tax Hacks

7) Health-insurance premiums are tax-deductible, and if you simply go without health insurance you can save years of income taxes by dying prematurely.

News On The March

Proactiv Introduces Humbling Cream, Which Gives Pimples to Cool Kids

EL SEGUNDO, CALIFORNIA—Acne medication company Proactiv today announced a new Humbling Cream, which gives pimples to cool kids so they’ll grow up to be nice. “It’s tough to be a teenager” said a Proactiv spokesperson, “and even tougher when you’ve got pimples. By giving acne to formerly smooth-skinned cool kids, we’re ensuring that they’ll experience enough […]

News Briefs

Department of Nihilism Study Finds That Nothing Matters Anyway

WASHINGTON, DC – A new report by the federal Department of Nihilism (DON) has found that nothing matters anyway. “Furthermore,” says the report’s text, “the Department of Nihilism does not need to exist, nor does anything else.”   The study, the last for outgoing Secretary of Nihilism Andrew Cartwright, confirms the findings of every annual […]

Originals

Incredible Football Facts!

The first football was built as part of a New Deal–era jobs program in which American workers designed balls in confusing, impractical shapes. Networks started airing Sunday football telecasts because they had trouble selling beer commercials during religious programming. The first football game was played at Rutgers University, and you’d think they’d do better with […]

News On The March

Steven’s March on Washington Highlights Issues of Importance to Steven

WASHINGTON — One week after the more publicized Women’s March on Washington, a demonstration held in the nation’s capital sought to highlight issues of importance to another constituency: Steven O’Neill, 36, of Oceanside, New York. “For far too long,” said O’Neill, “my concerns have been ignored by the government.” March organizers, who are Steven, say their demands […]

originals

9 Great Urinal Conversation Topics

1. Cold out/hot out/regular temperature out. 2. These are good flushers. 3. What a week/can’t believe it’s only Tuesday/humpday!/Happy Friday. 4. [Act like you don’t see the person next to you]. 5. Guess what I’m doing. 6. Do you think there’s a God? 7. I just stand here and pretend to pee for thirty seconds […]