The 8 Most Important Features of Samsung’s New Galaxy S8

We received the new Samsung Galaxy S8 phone just the other day, and it filled our offices with excitement! Well, “filled the office” might be the wrong term, as we actually had to evacuate the offices upon realizing that we had received a package from Samsung. And “excitement” might not be exactly right either. But fear can cause excitement, right? Our hearts were certainly pumping violently in our chests, that’s for certain.

After we poked at the box with our selfie sticks for ten minutes or so, and after the bomb squad arrived and gave everything a thorough once-over, we decided to give the new phone a proper look. Everyone except for Ernie, who decided to quit. We understand, Ernie (he has a new baby at home).

At any rate, here are the new Galaxy S8 Phone features that make this release so exciting!!!

Oven Mitts

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Once that phone begins to heat up quickly, you’ll be tempted to drop it like a hot potato without our stylish yet practical oven mitts! They come in a variety of colors and patterns, and can also be used to pat out sudden fires that pop up on your head!

Eye Drops

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Each Galaxy S8 comes packaged with a six month supply of quality, name brand eye drops. We asked many of our customers, “What is the worst thing about it when your phone suddenly begins to billow huge plumes of black smoke while you’re on an important call?”, and the answer was the same each and every time: “The smoke causes my eyes to burn and tear up.” Well, viola! And you’re welcome.

Voice Activated 911 Calls

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The next time you’re on a call and begin screaming “Oh my God, oh my God, my phone has melted into the skin of my face! My face is on fire!! Oh Christ, it burns! It burns!!!”, your phone will use it’s last bit of functionality to call 911. And if you receive horrifying and irrevocable facial scars due to the accident, you’ll be eligible to receive a three-minute pep talk phone call from Taylor Swift! We don’t care about our customers, you say? Eat our ass!

Large Bag of Rice


As you probably already know, if you accidentally get your phone wet, you can fix the situation by placing your phone into a container of rice (and you’ll definitely be dropping your Galaxy S8 into some water sooner than later). But what you didn’t know is this: If you drop your flaming phone into a tub of water, and then pour in the large bag of rice that we generously provide, you have a delicious meal that can serve a family of four! (Warning/Aviso: Many brands of soy sauce can further irritate burnt skin)

Copy of Modern Tattoo Monthly magazine

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Has your Galaxy S8 melted onto the side of your face again? We know how embarrassing that can be, so have included a copy of the August 2016 Modern Tattoo Monthly magazine, in which body modification guru Devin Scream proclaims that “Having a Galaxy phone burnt into the side of your face is quickly becoming the latest, hottest thing in body modification circles.” There’s even a cover blurb!

Screaming, Terrified S Voice

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If your Galaxy S8 phone bursts into flames while you’re asleep / passed out, our digital assistant will begin to scream and cry, coughing at the smoke and shrieking at terror from the spreading flames. If that doesn’t wake you up, well, we did all that we could. Your surviving family members will receive free Taylor Swift drink koozies, though!

Potpourri Wall Plug-In (Extra Value 4 Pack!)


We’ve certainly visited our fair share of burn wards over the past several months (well, our attorneys have at least), and from what we understand, they can be downright depressing! Lots of screaming and moaning, plus various unpleasant, unidentified smells and the like. Allow us to intercede by including a handy-dandy package of fragrant potpourri wall plug-ins! They make any dark, dank burn ward transform into an apple orchard on a blustery day! And if your nose has burnt off, I’m sure that we can work something else out.

Phantom of the Opera mask

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Listen, we know that skin graft operations can only do so much. And we can only pay for so many of those, anyway. Fuck off, we’re not made of money (despite what you may have heard)! So with only a few dollars of shipping and handling paid, we’ll send you this stylish and bad-ass Phantom of the Opera mask. And even better news! While creeping around the corridors and drafty crawlspaces of whichever condemned building you decide to haunt, you’ll be getting exceptional service with our strongest signal yet!!