They say on Boxing Day, if you were good all year, Mike Tyson visits you in the middle of the night and personally punches you in the face.
The ghosts of Boxing Past, Present, and Future are Muhammad Ali, Sugar Ray, and Floyd Mayweather. The mere mention of Connor McGregor will make all three of them simultaneously explode your mind with the sheer power of their disappointment.
George Foreman’s grills are actually functional portals into the home of every American citizen. Initially invented as a method to assassinate Larry Holmes, Foreman plans to take over the world upon getting rid of all strong enough to defeat him. Holmes has not yet purchased a Foreman grill, nor does he intend to.
Rocky Marciano never died. In fact, he recently held Sylvester Stallone at gunpoint to make the next 180 Rocky movies.
Mr. T might not be a Boxer, but he single-handedly holds up the entirety of North America’s mantle, Atlas-style. Boxing Day is the special time where he lifts the continent with only one arm. Before you ask, yes, it is the arm he wacks off with.
All Valentine’s Day rules apply on Boxing Day. For boxing gloves, not punching. Beating your loved ones has proved less and less ethical with time, something most boxers and all football players have trouble with.
Imagine Rocky. His presence in your imagination is stronger than any other day this year. Embrace him.
No man shall wear briefs today without consequences. Boxers or nothing. This rule also includes women, dogs, and pet fish.
I’m not Canadian and I have no idea what in Jesus fuck Boxing Day is.
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Sean Fahey is a CBS Page, aspiring writer, and social media guy. Still haunted by a rejection in high school. Why did you laugh, Susan? Why??