Historical Figures Who Deserve to Be on Mt. Rushmore More Than Donald Trump
White House aides reached out to South Dakota Gov. Kristi Noem last year about the process of adding additional presidents to Mount Rushmore, the New York Times reported. – CNN
William Henry Harrison: America’s ninth and most inconsequential president, who died 31 days into his term
Billy Carter: noted presidential sibling and failed mayoral candidate
Marc Mitchell and David Wartinger: winners of the 2018 Ig Nobel Prize in Medicine for their research on using roller coasters to help people pass kidney stones faster
Mrs. O’Leary’s Cow: bovine alleged to have kicked over a lantern, thus starting the Great Chicago Fire of 1871
Mars Climate Orbiter: experiment that crashed because of a discrepancy in units between Lockheed Martin and NASA
Joey Barnes: a kid in my third grade class who ate sheets of looseleaf paper for fun
My brief, feeble attempt at a quarantine mustache
Any puppy ever
Whoever you see outside your window right now
You, because even though I don’t know you at all I’m still confident that you deserve it more than Donald fucking Trump
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Tomo Lazovich is a research scientist by day and comedy writer and performer by night. His work has appeared online at McSweeney’s, Slackjaw, Points in Case, Little Old Lady Comedy, and Robot Butt. He also writes a monthly satirical column for Funny-ish called Our Dystopian Future. He regularly performs improv and sketch comedy in the Boston area and has studied satire writing with The Second City.
