As the #1 app for sleep, meditation, and relaxation, Calm exists on the cutting edge of happiness and health innovation. That’s why we’re thrilled to announce our upcoming partnership with Shark Week. An undeniable worldwide sensation, Shark Week has delighted audiences for 32 years while showcasing the superior physical specimen that is Selachimorpha.Why Shark Week? We’ve long admired these powerful predators, which, through centuries of optimization and mindfulness, have evolved into single-minded masses of sinew and cartilage with one goal: to destroy. In this way, sharks exemplify the Calm manifesto. Also, as the alpha predator of the sea with near-nothing to worry about, what’s calmer than a shark?
With this partnership, we’ll debut a number of exciting new features that you won’t find anywhere else—like an exclusive album from Baby Shark. These tunes will make you feel like you’re relaxing poolside. Well, kiddie poolside. Well, okay, kiddie poolside but in a way that makes it clear that this little cutie will continue growing for the rest of its life, as sharks do, to become a man-eating menace of shocking proportions. It’s so catchy, it’ll have you writhing for more. Straight to your doom.
Deepen your focus with our surprisingly lifelike “Shark In The Waters” nature scene. What better backdrop for work, study, or leisure than a tranquil beach scene in which puny virtual humans fleeing frantically from shark-infested waters? What better way to unwind than by witnessing Big Pat the Hammerhead rip off a hunky lifeguard’s entire lower half? Truly, what better conclusion to a tough day than witnessing the majesty and raw sexuality of these thrashing beasts? My, how they thrash!
Move your body in our new video series, hosted by the sharks from your local aquarium. You’ll learn how to swim, thrash, hunt, gnaw, rip, tear, amputate, debase, defile, desecrate, mangle, injure, dismember, and mutilate like never before.
Learn and grow in our life-changing in-app MasterClass taught by none other than the shark from Jaws. Discover how mindfulness helped her—yes, HER—achieve more in that role than anyone thought possible. By centering her strength, she was able to channel all of her power in her mandible to rip flesh—and also, to change minds. After all, before Jaws, many never would have imagined a Jaws 2.
Trouble sleeping? Nod off peacefully to the hurried whisper of professional surfer Bethany Meilani Hamilton, as she retells the time a massive shark ripped off her left arm, leaving behind a twitching, oozing mass of veins, arteries, and other weird shoulder gristle. Of course, Bethany recovered and continues to surf professionally—but fear not! This audio experience focuses on the gory stuff.
Meditate to the voices of popular TV shows that have “jumped the shark” interspersed with the screams of individuals jumping actual sharks. If you can tell the difference between the two types of clips, you haven’t reached your goal meditative state.
Finally, as you may have heard, while the soul of Calm remains an in-app experience, we’re also excited to expand offline in ways that bring more peace, clarity and oceanic terror into your busy life. See for yourself during our launch of Sharknado LIVE! Originally dreamed up by a Calm intern as a hilarious bit, we realized bringing a physical Sharknado to our users would be the best way to get you OUT of your head and INTO your emergency escape plan! Also, into a swirling cyclone of aquatic destruction filled with fetid sea water, palm tree remnants, and also some limbs.
Since relaxation requires commitment, we are legally obligated to inform you that, starting now, all app cancellations will result in the Sharknado picking you up, tearing you limb from limb and scattering you over a Bubba Gump Shrimp Co.
Sleep more. Stress less. Respect nature’s designated sovereign, lest ye be devoured into a bunch of small, ham-like cubes. Swim on over to the app today!
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Patty Terhune is a writer and satirist based in Chicago. Her comedy writing has been featured in McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, The Belladonna and the office listserv. Follow her on Twitter @pattyterhune.