CDC Adds Several Questionable Viruses to the Watchlist
Infantavirus
Contracted from spending too much time worrying about babies, baby monitors, baby wipes, baby milestones, and whether the baby is sleeping or plotting.
Fantavirus
Orange‑soda drinkers beware; symptoms include sugar spikes and the sudden belief that you can skateboard again.
Santavirus
Spread by red‑nosed reindeer; early signs include jingling, caroling, and unsolicited chimney inspections.
Wantavirus
Affects people who don’t feel like going into work; highly contagious on Mondays and during performance‑review season.
Cantavirus
Contracted from singing Hebrew too loudly at Sabbath services; symptoms include hoarseness and unsolicited aliyahs.
Bantavirus
Caught by people whose favorite Taxi character was Tony Danza; also known as Samantavirus for Who’s the Boss? fans.
Rantavirus
Spread by people who corner you to explain why the toaster is “out to get them.”
Plantavirus
Infects people who buy houseplants they absolutely cannot keep alive.
Inplantavirus
Infection caused by too many plastic surgeries.
Mylantavirus
Triggered by chronic indigestion, late‑night snacking, and the belief that antacids count as a food group.
Pink Pantavirus
Contracted by watching too many old Saturday‑morning cartoons; leads to spontaneous theme‑song humming and cereal consumption.
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Mike Reiss has been writing/producing for ‘The Simpsons’ for three decades and is a 4X Emmy winner. In his spare time, he’s visited 134 countries, including Iran, Iraq, North Korea, and the North Pole. Hear all about it on his very funny and reasonably true travel comedy podcast ‘What Am I Doing Here? with Mike Reiss’.
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Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of — winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending, Congolese gynecologist, Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney’s, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog, Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that’s been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul’s time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar…
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