Truly Terrible Summer Beach Tips

Before entering the beach area, beach security personnel will most likely prohibit you from bringing glass items  onto the beach.   So be sure to bring your glass-blowing kit so that you can make your own glass items once you’ve selected your spot on the beach.

It can be dangerous to bring alcohol to the beach, and is more than likely prohibited.    Instead, get really drunk before driving to the beach.

It’s perfectly fine to pee in the ocean; beach porta-potties were designed exclusively for romantic teenage interludes.

Make sure that at least one member of your party is familiar with CPR procedures, and that another is familiar with what to do when you accidentally drop your bag of weed into the ocean.

Instead of risking food poisoning from the hot dogs and other similar items sold at the beach snack store, bring your own hot dogs, which have been floating in lukewarm ice-chest water for most of the four hour car ride to the beach, and are probably just fine.

Urinating on someone who has been stung by a jelly fish doesn’t actually work, and is actually an urban legend.   So if you’re really hankering to pee on someone, you’re going to have to seriously up your game.

Remember, you’re supposed to wait half an hour after eating before attempting to swim; although if you do get a cramp, your parents might decide to pack up and leave early, so maybe go ahead and go for it.

Be sure to bring a good-sized bottle of sunscreen.   Even though you’ll no doubt forget to use it, the bottle can later be used to fend off the huge sand-crabs that have taken an interest in your pita bread and cheese dip.

Getting buried up to your neck with beach sand can be a lot of fun, but be sure that your recent bout with diarrhea has definitely passed.

If the lifeguard station is less than twenty feet away from the margarita stand, be sure and pack a life preserver.

No horseplay in the ocean!   Do you know how many people drown every year because the weight of the saddle quickly sends them plummeting to the ocean floor?   Just don’t do it.

Sticking around for an evening of beach entertainment?    Many beaches have events such as bands and fireworks, which is a great time to sneak around and steal the valuables of other beachgoers.

Be sure not to get overheated.   The best way to ensure this is by staying home and napping through a marathon of Everybody Loves Raymond.