A Midwestern Diss Track Against A.I. Data Centers

“Most of the planned construction of U.S. data centers will happen in the South and Midwest…The Midwest has 419 planned data centers and 655 existing ones – a 64% increase.”
– Pew Research Center

 

“With the midterm elections about half a year away, opposition to artificial intelligence as well as the construction of data centers to support it is evolving into a campaign issue for politicians of all stripes.” – The Wall Street Journal 

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INT. TOWN HALL – SOMEWHERE IN THE MIDWEST – EVENING

 

A group of Midwesterners collectively stand and politely clear their throats. They direct their gaze to a group of tech corporate suits.

 

MIDWESTERNERS

You think you can just build your data centers here?

Where our fields are golden brown and the air is clear.

(Allow us to clear the air!)

You can’t just scooch pass us. Yeah, no.

We’re not fixin’ to let this go.

 

Great plains won’t be great if we let you come.

Stealin’ water, power, you…ugly sponge!

We may have one stoplight,

but we’ll stop ya, outright.

 

Tech giants may have money,

but we have honey, honey.

Actual honey. We’re beekeepers! And farmers, too.

Know where milk and eggs come from? We’ll educate you:

 

You see, we’re the mild-mannered majority.

Hard-working as heck, and oofta, we clearly see.

You see us as fools with land to part.

We see you coming. Well, bless your heart!

 

We’ve got so much gosh darn beef with you,

like we’re at Famous Dave’s BBQ.

Only you’d be the burnt end.

Too mean? Sorry to offend!

 

We may be rural, but we ain’t dumb.

We’re more than tax breaks ‘til kingdom come.

We see you zapping our resources, and you best stop.

You came to our house, but we won’t offer you a pop!

 

Offer you a pop / offer you a pop / (various citizens slurp from Sonic happy hour cups) 

 

We don’t mean to keep you, but we’re here to say goodbye.

Your centers will boost our utility bills sky high!

You can’t just call dibs on land that ain’t rightly yours,

What are you? Early American explorers?

 

A self-reflective silence before everyone continues. 

 

We keep an honest life and we know our station.

We also know we need more state legislation.

We are the gosh darn Bible Belt. We don’t take kindly to scares!

You’re not our favorite, but we’ll keep you in our thoughts and prayers.

 

Thoughts and prayers. Thoughts and prayers. Thoughts and prayers…

 

The group of Midwesterners begin their customary long goodbye as they gather potluck leftovers, hug, and exchange fourteen stories that loosely relate to the topic, all the while never breaking eye contact with the data execs.