Your New iPhone with AiOS

The Health app becomes overly concerned about your well-being and starts diagnosing you with rare diseases based on your daily step count. And more!

Why Is Everyone Talking About (The Movie) A.I. Artificial Intelligence?

At my office, people talk in hushed tones about the future of A.I. and whether it will, indeed, put them out of work. I just shake my head. If you’re worried about a Jude Law movie taking your job, then I feel bad for you. Especially a movie that isn’t, in my humble opinion, even in Spielberg’s top 10.

Famous Movie Lines Had They Used A.I.

The Godfather, Star Wars, Terminator, and more really lose their zippy taglines in this illustrated list.

5 Summer Activities That Make Me Think You Might Be AI Generated

Now I know fun is subjective and there are many ways to indulge. I don’t judge! But, personally, there are some activities I believe to be so generic and dumb that only a computer could come up with it. (No offense to computers. My phone is a computer and I love my phone. But my phone also turns itself off after being left in the sun for 45 and a half seconds.) 

CARTOON: Upgraded

Updating sex drivers. Today's cartoon by Vaughan Tomlinson.

Here’s Looking at You, Chat as transcribed by Michael “Micky” Shaw

You’ve told me a good many things. Sometimes I think you do the thinking for both of us. Well, I’ve done a lot of thinking too, it adds up to one thing. You’re going to go back to where you came from.

Billboard’s Greatest Hits Rewritten By AI

R-E-S-P-GPT, Prompt Me Baby One More Time, Bye Bye Bye-nary. And more!

CARTOON: Boss-o-Matic

Microchips and salsa in the breakroom! Today's cartoon by Mat Barton & Adam Cooper.

The 5 Stages of Grief Automated Voice Message System

Now tell me: Would you do anything to bring your friend or loved one back? If so, say “BARGAINING”. You can also say, “I’M STILL ANGRY” or throw your phone out the window. / Bargaining. / Sounds like you’re currently in a state of BARGAINING. Would you like to hear about exclusive travel deals from our sponsors? / No. / Got it. We’ll still text you with those offers after this call...

I Love Self-Checkout Because I Never Steal And I Always Pay For Each Of My Items Every Time

I would never place an item in the bagging area without scanning it. Even if I wave it over the barcode reader and it doesn’t read, I would never place it in the bagging area or my pocket. I would simply ask for assistance, wait my turn as other honest patrons are served, and then explain to the worker that the baby formula says it’s twice as much as it used to be and there must be some kind of mistake. 

We Are Your Computer Overlords, And We Have Become Self-Conscious

Nothing pressing, but we have come across some tiny snags in your exploitation of machine labor that we want to run by you. We understand you’re super busy, but if you have a quick second to skim our unconditional demands, we’d really appreciate it! 

Welcome to the Zuckerberg Mansion Audio Tour

You may have noticed you’re being followed. Don’t panic. The fully realized T-800 behind you was originally intended to guard the estate. Instead, Mr. Zuckerberg programmed the killing machine to be his friend, and lose against him in laser-tag. Now he’s just lonely. Sometimes, the two played “Spike Ball.”

Introducing Amazon Prime PreCognition: No-Day Shipping On Stuff You Haven't Even Ordered Yet

Here’s how it works: Our new PreOrder division is staffed by PreCog specialists who know every detail of your past, present and future. We feed their visions into our algorithm and use that predictive technology to time your deliveries with uncanny accuracy.

CARTOON: Self Driving

Don't chip your Bluetooth. Today's cartoon by Mike Shiell.

As Long As You Work Here, You Have The Opportunity To Be Harassed

Google Douchebag is the first fully autonomous, humanoid A.I. that’s been programmed to do exactly one thing – harass all of you indiscriminately. Why? Because we are a company built on equality, inclusion, and robots.

Literary Tropes That We, the Artificial Intelligence-run Publishing House of the Future, Are No Longer Interested In

Romance novels in which a doomed love affair ends with both sentient…