A Gift Guide From The Manosphere
The men have spoken: after testing hundreds of products, we’ve found the 10 perfect gifts for the most muscular male in your life. Whether he’s the kind of guy who’ll just purchase that coveted flame-thrower for himself, a special agent who “doesn’t want anything this year,” or Gerard Butler specifically in White House Down: We’ve got something for every kind of man.
For 15% off every item on our list, use code PEN15.
The KABOOM Growler
If there’s one thing men love, it’s beer. And what do we love more than beer? Beer in copious, nay, audacious quantities. Did I say “titties?” um, sorry no, I did NOT mean titties…I mean, uh, big long penises. Anyway. We guys need a vessel for our tremendous tipples. And we REFUSE to call it a “jug.” Jugs are the things we squeeze on GIRLS. We gotta store our BOY booze inside of the sound a bear makes. A GROWLer. And better yet: it’s in the shape of a grenade.
Military-Grade Tactical Christmas Sock
Stockings? Those are for LADIES. Secretaries and Flight attendants (I assume) (I WOULD NOT KNOW). For Christmas this year, men shouldn’t accept anything less than a combat-ready sock hanging above the fireplace. After splitting wood all day, we don’t want to burst inside and see some sissy-ass stocking dangling flaccidly. We want our little presents in something that could have won us the Vietnam War (quicker, that is, because we definitely won it).
The Military-Grade Tactical Christmas Sock has everything. It’s sock-shaped. It’s green. It’s water-proof, fire-proof, bomb-proof, and has four carabiners. You’ll be ready for combat with six candy-cane width loops, and a Playboy Magazine-sized pocket. This ain’t your mama’s stocking. Personalized leather tags available for purchase separately.
Hulk Hogan’s Hunky Hot Sauce Advent Calendar
Hulk Hogan may be dead, but his hot sauce brand lives on. Men don’t eat for pleasure. Men don’t put things in their mouth that are longer than they are wide. Men don’t say “mmm.” We eat to LIVE. We eat to survive another day in this tough-ass world built explicitly with us in mind. We eat so we can stare down into the toilet later and yell “I DEFEATED YOU!” at our own excrement. This hot sauce advent calendar has a variety of flavors, all designed to eviscerate your body and leave no survivors. With flavors like HabanerTHROWdown, Fireman’s Curry, Carolina Sleeper Hold, I Want Tequila Man, and We Dont ChipotPLAY Fair—that toilet’s gonna start screaming right back at you.
Beef Jerky Sticky Notes
Only pansies write their notes down on limp little pieces of paper. Real men write on something with meat on it. Or, that simply is meat. Got an ultramarathon this week? Fly-fishing session with your bros? Barbed-wire convention tickets going on sale tonight? You won’t forget a thing with our Beef Jerky Sticky Notes. The smell alone will get your attention. What makes it sticky? Family secret. Trust us, you don’t wanna know.
Knife
It’s a knife.
Leather Driving Gloves
These bad boys will take you from Pathetic Guy Too Cold To Hold His Gun Straight, to Cool-Headed, Clear-Eyed, Warm-Handed Killer. Whether you’re carrying out a vengeance murder, or sophisticatedly rebuffing a hot lady in a backless dress: these gloves will level you up. They’re like condoms for your fingers. Fuck that cold air.
Man-Can Beans™
You’re a man. You’re not gonna eat out of a can with a Bush on it. A tough guy wouldn’t relegate himself to eating lady legumes. You’re a man. And you need a can. Girly Garbanzos go in the Girly Garbaggio. Man-Can Beans™ have not been evaluated by the FDA.
Sasquatch Cigar
It’s a cigar but like, really really big. Makes a regular cigar look like a chode.
Dumbbells Shaped Like Bullets
Target acquired: a ripped physique. At a whopping 100 lbs each, Dumbbells Shaped Like Bullets are perfect for the gym-rat in your life. Your BMI, now sponsored by the NRA. Go ballistic! Pump iron till you got nothing left in the chamber.
Bacon-Scented Gift Bags
Real men don’t wrap presents. We slam dunk ‘em into a gift bag and call it a day. Then we shoot ‘em out of a cannon and blame it on Santa. But any old bag won’t do. You need a bag as virile as whatever macho gift you’ve stalked/hunted/dragged home. Our bacon-scented gift bags are the perfect solution. You won’t find a scrap of glitter tissue paper here. Our bags are soaked in 100% bacon grease from 100% male pigs. Any man worth his salt knows these are the real deal.
So go forth and conquer Christmas! Bring Holy Hell upon Hanukkah! Crush Kwanzaa! And ensure that the biggest balls to drop this New Year’s: are yours.
- About the Author
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Helen Laser is a New York City-based writer and audiobook narrator. Her work has been published in Lit Magazine, Referential Magazine, Crab Fat Magazine, Robot Butt, The TQ Review, Muses, Inwood Indiana Press, First Writer, Pop Machine, Gone Zine and Beast Grrl Zine, to name a few.
In the audiobook world, she is an Audie Award Finalist, multiple Audiofile Earphones Award winner, LA Times Book Awards Finalist, and RUSA Listen List pick. Her narration has been selected by Reese Witherspoon for her book club, for the Read With Jenna/Today Show Book Club, and has made many lists including (but not limited to):
Audible’s “Editors Picks,” Apple Audiobooks “Must Listens,” Libro.fm’s “Most Pre-Ordered Audiobooks,” Amazons “Top 10 Audiobooks,” The New York Times “7 Audiobooks to Listen to Now,” The Wall Street Journal’s “The 12 Best Audiobooks for Every Reader” and many more.
