Oh crap! The pandemic seems to mostly be over, which means you might have to actually visit your mom in person this year! Dammit!! A hastily ordered cookie bouquet or updated, revised edition of Chicken Soup For The Soul sent via Amazon may not cut it this year. Maybe something, y’know… a bit more personal is in order.
Tapioca Rocca– Our catchy nickname for the hottest gift this Mothers’ Day, a miniature sculpture of Al Roker made entire of tapioca pudding! And while it is indeed the hottest gift of this season, don’t actually get it hot, or even warm. The smell is just horrible.
Cirque du Soleil Moon Frye- Your mom loves nothing more than to relax with a pitcher of gin-aides and a marathon of Punky Brewster reruns. Well, what would you pay to have Punky herself, Soleil Moon Frye, perform a full Cirque du Soleil routine in her living room?? Don’t answer, because it’s only fifty bucks and a hot meal!
The “Get Mom Out Of A Jam” Kit– You may have seen this on a late night infomercial. Very popular for Mothers Day. Think back… the last couple of times that you’ve visited your parents, has your dad been “at the store”, or “over at Bennie’s playing cards”? Your mom may very well need a little help in getting rid of some evidence, and there’s no simpler way of doing so than with the “Get Mom Out Of A Jam” kit! This deluxe set allows her the opportunity to get rid of items that are unwanted and difficult to move by oneself, and at the same time produce several jars of delicious, homemade preserves! Your mom will be the “hit” of the next church bake sale!
Disco Nachos– Your mom won’t need to love disco, or nachos, to love Disco Nachos! Well, she actually may need to at least like nachos, since this is pretty much just nachos eaten off of one of those silvery disco ball things. My sister discovered our mom eating nachos off of a disco ball earlier this year, and so we figured it must be something new that seniors are doing? Or it might be an early sign of dementia. We’re not sure yet, but we’re keeping our eyes on the situation.
Cabbage Patch Kid– Remember these?? Oh man, those were great! Well, this is an actual kid that you discovered in a cabbage patch while looking for wild-growing marijuana. He’s a bit feral and smelly, but your mom’s “spare the rod and spoil the child” philosophy will have him whipped into shape in no time! And this is much cheaper than hiring someone to come in and do home-nurse type stuff as well.
Water Balloon Fight!!– Your mom loves reliving the glory days, and nothing puts a spark back in her eyes more than one of the water balloon fights that you and your siblings would share with her decades ago. Just learn from your mistake a few years ago, and don’t allow her to get ahold of her catheter bag again. Jesus, what a mess.
Kit has been a regular contributor to MAD magazine for over ten years, and has also been regularly published by National Lampoon, Playboy, The American Bystander, Funny Or Die, SpongeBob Squarepants Comics, Points In Case and many others. His work has been called “sort of like ‘The Far Side’, but more offbeat and often much funnier” by people who should clearly know better. He lives with his wife and two dogs, all of whom do their best to tolerate his presence