A Memo To All Amazon Employees Regarding The Use Of Pee Bottles
Valued Amazon Employees,
It has come to our attention that there is a widespread practice of employees, both at our fulfillment centers and driving deliveries, peeing in bottles. Oh, and defecating in bags. That too. Actually, we already knew about these practices. Unfortunately, now the public knows as well.
What’s our solution, you ask? Great question. No, it’s not allowing employees time to use the washroom. That would be absurd. Besides, on paper, that’s already one of our employee-friendly policies: employees are able to step away from their work station at any time. If any employee in a fulfillment center has a different experience, we encourage you to speak to your manager and we’ll work to “fix it” (wink, wink).
Just so we’re all clear: if you decide to use the washroom, you may be written up or fired.
“So, are we just supposed to continue peeing in bottles and defecating in bags?” No. That’s gross and dehumanizing. Also, work stations and delivery trucks were approaching Howard Hughes-levels of accumulation. We’re happy to announce that we have a much better, and more dignified, solution: diapers.
Employees at our fulfillment centers and driving deliveries are expected to arrive at work in their uniforms, which now mandatorily include a diaper. When we say “include,” we don’t mean that we will be providing diapers. Employees must provide their own diapers. You can easily purchase them here.
We did not come to this solution haphazardly. We hired the Temple Grandin of warehouse consultants. What’s that, Temple Grandin made abattoirs more humane? Well, we hired someone to come in and advise us on how to increase our efficiency. Now, thanks to the use of diapers, our efficiency is more cutthroat than ever.
The benefits of the diapers are twofold. One: diapers eliminate our little PR problem of pee bottles and poo bags, while simultaneously saving time. Two: diapers actively incentivise employees to avoid any time-consuming hydrating and/or snacking while at work. If an employee soils themselves during their work hours, they must wait until the end of their shift to change their diaper. You may want to invest in some baby powder.
We simply can’t afford to have any time being wasted. Well, technically, we can afford just about anything we want: our annual revenue in 2020 was $386 billion. But you don’t get that many B’s by letting employees take bathroom breaks.
Our Amazon Prime members want those deliveries yesterday. And, once we complete our flux capacitor – we’ve already got the weapons-grade plutonium, we will be able to get our parcels into the hands of Amazon Beyond-Prime members the day before they place their orders.
With all of this pee bottle, poo bag, and diaper talk, it can be easy to lose sight of the big picture: you’re an important cog in the wheel of team Amazon. A small, replaceable, cog. But a cog nonetheless.
We knew using the washroom was an issue for employees and we lied about it. We hope that you’ve seen our public and sincere apology. Not to you, our workers, but Representative Mark Pocan.
Thank you in advance for your swift adoption of the new diaper policy. We’re confident that knowing you can urinate and/or defecate indiscreetly, and at your leisure, will come as a big relief.
Jason Garramone is a writer and all-around comedian. He enjoys laughing and making others laugh as well.