A Parental Guide To The Wertz Thanksgiving

Parents have been using the HAA (Holidays Association of America) rating system for years to  decide whether to attend a family function. The following is based on last year’s Thanksgiving at the Wertzes.

Certification: Rated R for thematic elements, brief strong language and intense scenes. Older teens should be fine. WARNING: The following Parental Guide may give away important surprise elements to Thanksgiving:

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Mild (2 of 5 found this mild)

During the touch football game before dinner, 12 yr old nephew Nick ran into the fence. He rolled around on the ground moaning and groaning in pain for about 30 seconds. Some blood.

Tracey, a vegan, said grace and explained how turkeys are electrocuted.

Nick threw a hot dinner roll off his baby brother’s head. No injury occurred. Food fight this year improbable, but Nick is now 13 and refuses to sit at the kids’ table this year.

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Severe (2 found this severe)

There are some instances of swear words throughout the day, including the F bomb.

Nick uttered the F bomb four times while writhing on the ground during his run-in with the fence.

There is also the time that Holly pointed her middle finger during her brother Kevin’s story. She will probably repeat that move in the future.

Grandma said the turkey was “dry as hell” and Mom’s “sprouts were shit.”

During the Cowboys/Redskins game, a stream of profanities came from Uncle Rick after his second beer. They play again this year.

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Severe (4 found this severe)

During the Cowboys/Redskins game, a stream of racial slurs came from Uncle Rick after his second beer.

Brief discussion regarding the Washington Redskins keeping their name and Trump’s stance on the National Anthem. Uncle Rick is a Conservative nut-job and suggests deporting “Liberals, New Yorkers, and all of California.”

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Severe (9 found this severe)

If last year is any indication, expect more extensive outbursts and door slamming the moment the conversation even hints of current events and any of these words or phrases are muttered: taxes, election, TV,  China, Canada, Russia including Russian dressing, probe, border, the weather, late-night, hunky-dory, mental capacity, golf, Armageddon, children, future, moral compass, any mention of any state by name and mushrooms.

 

SPOILER ALERT: Expect exorbitant profanity if any of the following people makes its way into the conversation: Hillary, Sarah Huckabee, Mitch McConnell, Stormy Daniels and/or Michael Avenatti.

Last year, there was a fight over dessert leftovers. Mom’s sprouts were tossed in the garbage and she stormed out of the room. As a result, good-byes were frostier than usual.

10/10

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Mild (3 of 3 found this mild)

Cousin Holly’s breasts were spilling out of her top all evening. Major cleavage. The most gratuitous moment lasted a full four seconds as she was bending over for the yams. Passive aggressive way of trying to be disinvited this year but did not work.

Uncle Kevin alluded to a one night stand. No details were shared as Aunt Rose deflected the subject to her rheumatism. Spoiler Alert: This was Uncle Kevin’s attempt to lift his status around the table—expect him to up the ante and show up with a date this year, probably someone from his AA group. On the plus side, he may be on his best behavior this year if he indeed brings a date.

Plumber’s crack from Dad Wertz while taking out the turkey. Accepted as a holiday tradition.

Holly ‘accidentally’ swiped her smart phone the wrong way, so we would glimpse a selfie of her in front of a bathroom mirror wearing a straining bikini. This was provoked by news of her brother David’s promotion at the glove factory.

2/10

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Mild (3 found this mild)

Aunt Rose claims she is on four medications and is high as a kite.

Uncle Rick began drinking during the Cowboys/Redskins game and after his second beer was getting most everyone’s name wrong.  

3/10