Thanksgiving Family Conversation Starters

“So, let’s all take turns saying what we’re thankful for, and then who we each voted for.”

“Aunt Sue, you’re a miracle! That sweet-potato pie of yours disappeared more quickly than Planned Parenthood’s funding.”

“Instead of an adults and kids table, this year can we have a racist and non-racist table?”

“Uncle Elliott, if you’re so against gay marriage, then why did you marry a woman who looks like a fat, hairy man?”

“So does the turkey meal come with both sweet potatoes and stuffing, or do I have to choose just one?” (eating by yourself at Denny’s only)

“Could we all go on The Maury Povich Show so that he can do his DNA testing thing to prove that we’re not related?”

“I’m not sure if this should be classified as a ‘family holiday get-together’, or as ‘cult activity’.

“And let’s be most thankful for the fact that all of your rehab clinics have such a lax holiday-pass policy.”

“Now that Uncle Daniel is no longer with us, who among you would like to be the sweaty, wheezing family member who enjoys inappropriately cornering the kids in the poorly-lit kitchen?”

“Sorry that there’s not many desserts this year, everybody; Grammy just discovered Tinder a week or so ago.”