After giving birth to Tucker I was filled with an unbridled, indescribable, surreal joy. I was also stung by the realization that – in the blink of an eye – he would be a man grown, leaving me without a vessel by which to further my pursuit of money and internet celebrity. That’s why I hired a photographer to capture his earliest moments so I could preserve his memory forever and publish said pics online where they can be liked, faved, and shared by all in celebration of him and to the benefit of my burgeoning enterprise. Well, the cost was high, but I’m proud to say that sacrificing my son has made me into an Instagram star!
My feeds are always buzzing with baby photos from new mothers who, like me, wish to broadcast images of their recent arrivals to friends, family, and millions of complete strangers for monetary compensation and fame. Almost all of their photos are hot garbage, so I vowed to not suffer the same indignity while simultaneously turning Instagram posts of my baby into my sole income. Luckily, I stumbled upon NuGodGreg666’s stunning photography portfolio, and after signing a blood contract that would allow him to sacrifice Tucker for his cult in exchange for pictures, I couldn’t be happier!
After briefly perusing Greg’s website, I knew that all of the amateur-hour photos posted by my peers would be blown out of the water by his work and that I would quickly establish myself as an icon of Instagram. Being a classic dreamer/aspiring entrepreneur – A.K.A. broke, LOL – I was worried I couldn’t afford his rates, but then I saw the Sacrificial Special: three 12-hour sessions that came with one 8”x8” Flush Mounted Album and 5,000 high-resolution edited digital images. The package normally retails at $20,499, but all I had to offer was the life of my firstborn! With Greg’s skills, my online presence was guaranteed to be dynamite, so there was no way in Hell I was going to pass up such a screaming deal. Plus, no one had ever taken up Greg on the offer before, so he was in, like, a pretty bad pinch.
Greg truly is a master of his craft, as much as he is a master of his cult – Children of the Sunburst – that he rules with an iron fist at an underground compound in Palo Alto. He was incredibly attentive to my needs, with the main one being that I wasn’t going to have a son anymore, so he made sure to give me the widest possible variety of photos so that I will have a constant stream of content to distribute in a cascading flow over the next decade. Shots like Tucker rocking a mermaid tail, me holding Tucker like Simba, Tucker defeating a dragon, Tucker wearing aviator goggles in a biplane, Tucker tastefully posing like Kate Winslet in Titantic, and countless more. And all that with a 28-day-old baby! It was no easy shoot, especially considering how loud and uncooperative Tucker generally is– I mean, was.
Armed with these photos, my Instagram presence has exploded, much like the star ULAS J0744+25 that Greg hopes to coax into a supernova by offering Tucker’s life to it in tribute, so that the stardust emitted will bless Greg and his clan with immortality, or whatever. Since the ceremony, I’ve amassed over 900,000 natural followers (Children of the Sunburst are sadly forbidden to use technology) and my pics average tens of thousands of likes. I command $1,000 for each sponsored post, I’m repped by WME and I’ve signed deals with Teavana, Anthropologie, and Crest White Strips. Of course, all this wouldn’t have been possible without Greg’s keen eye and decision to manipulate vulnerable people into worshiping him as a living God. Can you imagine if I lived my whole life without someone offering me to immolate my son to help me pursue my own dreams? It’s a horrifying thought.
Of course, I can’t forget about Tucker. He’s the real reason for my Shorty awards and seven-figure salary. His pure, unadulterated preciousness abounds in every picture and my fans (#TuckerLovers) just eat it up. Greg was truly able to capture the pure energy that exudes from all innocents, which gives every photo a sort of spiritual glow, though the Nashville filter is a big help. Tucker’s eyes, a hazel-green, are so full of wonder and potential. It’s almost as if you can see him thinking, “The possibilities of the future are endless, for I have my whole life ahead of me. I shall be my own person, I shall do great things, I shall leave the world a better place than when I found it, and I will die an old man taking solace in the knowledge of life well lived.” I mean, he was way off, but it’s nice to think about.
#TuckerLovers constantly ask me, “When are you going to do a regional-mall-live-event with Tucker?!” but I don’t really have the heart to tell them I gave up his life for wealth and a perpetual stream of attention garnered through the exploitation of his likeness that he lacked the cognitive ability to grasp and communication skills to consent to, so it’ll never happen. But c’est la vie!
Anyways, follow me on Instagram! @TuckerMomma4Lyfe
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Ben Hargrave is a comedian, writer, and actor in New York whose writing has appeared on McSweeney’s, Splitsider, Defenestration, The Hard Times, Points In Case, The Tusk, RobotButt, Janice, The Higgs Weldon, Funny or Die, and Above Average. He also makes his own peanut butter and excels at farting around. You can follow him on twitter and instagram @HarHarHargrave