At our spa, we help clients de-stress from the daily onslaught of patriarchy, offering a wide selection of services that target the rage and hopelessness unbalancing your body, which dared to be non-white, heterosexual and male.
Body Positivity Wrap
Your aesthetician will smash all of the mirrors in the treatment room prior to your arrival (upon request, we provide a small honeysuckle-scented hammer so that you can do it yourself.) You will wear an appropriately-sized terry cloth robe that, unlike 99.9% of your own clothes, doesn’t cut off the blood supply to your brain. Upon giving enthusiastic consent to be gently mummified in a mineral-rich algae wrap, you’ll receive a steady stream of affirmations reflecting your inherent human value, while our state-of-the-art Sonos speakers alternate between playing Jessi J’s Queen and a calming voice whispering true statistics about the body size of the average human woman.
Scream Sound Bath
During this treatment you can make as much sound as you want into a lavender-infused void with no fear of reproach from your workplace, friends, family or fun-loving internet strangers. *If you require help accessing your scream, we have trained professionals on hand to quietly leer at your breasts until your scream emerges.*
Body Hair Installation
Our talented staff will apply enzymes to encourage natural re-growth on any part of your human body that evolved hair to maintain a stable body temperature and protection from deadly bacteria. As we work hard to make your sweaters redundant, listen to a podcast about how Gillette invented the hairless woman in 1915 to sell lady razors.
50 Shades of Greylights
As moisture and natural grays are restored to overly-processed locks, a member of staff will place Monopoly money in your hands to represent the $55,000 you’ll likely be spending on hair services/products throughout your lifetime. Or perhaps you want your textured hair back after years of burning it straight in order to “avoid distracting folks at the office?” No problem. We can quote Audre Lorde poetry to each individual strand until it remembers its original purpose and rediscovers a curl. At the conclusion of any salon service, Phoebe Waller-Bridge will emerge from underneath a hooded dryer to reassure you that hair actually isn’t fucking everything.
Age Infusion Facial
During this service we do nothing. Unlike your usual dermatologist who will try to upsell you Botox while scraping off those precancerous moles, you get to think about something/anything else for the next 45 minutes.
Our smart jets auto-locate the clitoris and are programmed to be incapable of trying to replicate something they saw in porn.
As you sink into a cocoon chair that feels like a hug from Gloria Steinem, you will start to envision a world in which your partner proactively takes responsibility for 50% of all household and childcare tasks. As you sip cucumber water and ascend, you will see all of the ways to encourage this partnership that don’t involve yet another day of delegating (often referred to as ‘nagging’), but are instead a wholesale change of socio-cultural expectations.
While equity is our calling card, we offer one exclusive lounge for guests — but only if they are an underpaid nanny, babysitter, teacher or unpaid caregiver. In addition to the traditional onsen baths historically enjoyed by Japanese Emperors, this space offers permission for childcare workers to act as entitled as they fucking want, as if they held jobs highly valued in our society.
Our spas are located in reclaimed landmarks of misogynistic malarkey around the world. Pamper yourself (or ask about gift certificates for the marginalized ones you love!) with the vichy-waterfall exclusively at our Los Angeles location in the former Playboy Mansion, where the decision to take your tits out is now entirely up to you; indulge in a hot stone massage on the obscenely oversized desk in the fifth vacation home of a disgraced CEO from Goldman Sachs; or perhaps try our popular ‘Spa at Sea’ package on Prince Andrew’s recently requisitioned (and thoroughly sanitized) yacht.
Age Restrictions: We’re happy to accept guests of any age, since the patriarchy is at work from the moment you’re conceived.
Spa Voices: Please be considerate of your fellow spa guests and keep your voices louder and taking up more space than you have ever felt comfortable doing before. We think you’ll enjoy hearing what other guests have to say, especially when no one is asking you to smile or taking credit for something you literally just said.
Power Down: Please leave all devices in your liberation locker because we know the manipulative algorithm in there will one day unravel society and kill us all. (Also, we have very complicated feelings about momfluencers -specifically the mulberry silk eye masks they demo on instagram that we really, really, really want to purchase for our spas.)
Safe House: But seriously, if you are having an all-too-common, patriarchy-induced moment of mortal danger, our back door at our undisclosed location is open 24/7 — please call for details. We’ll be waiting with a hot sake-soaked towel and legal aid.
Welcome to the Anti-Patriarchy Day Spa.
It’s time to escape the ordinary, because with 50,000+ global femicides every year, the ordinary is literally killing you.
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