Hello! We’re reaching out to inform you of the latest in our lawn care products. Hm, you don’t remember signing up for these emails? And you have no lawn, you say?
Well, fate must have brought us together for a reason! Either that or you clicked “accept all cookies” a bunch of times on some rando site and we bought your data.
Anyway, we know you must have a full inbox and your time is valuable, so please let us know if you’d like to update your preferences!
Oh, by “update” we meant “increase,” we just didn’t want to come across as too salesy. But, sure, we can certainly help you opt-out of future emails!
It’s easy: simply click on the “unsubscribe” hyperlink at the bottom of this email.
Do you not see it? It’s in font size 3 buried within the footer in porcelain text against an alabaster background, and you have to click the dots at the bottom of the email to actually open up the entirety of the message to view said footer.
We’re sorry to see you go! Or, would you instead like to change how you receive these emails? If so, please select one of these options:
Bi-Monthly (every two weeks)
Every time an angel gets its wings
Bi-Monthly (every two months)
Daily from Memorial Day to Labor Day and after that only on days that begin with T
No? No problem, enter your email below and we’ll get you unsubscribed!
Yes, we do realize that since we sent to this your email we already have your email, but we’re banking on the fact that if we keep adding more steps to the process that your millennial attention span will wane and you’ll impatiently “x” out of this to — OOH LOOK SHINY!
We would like to make you confirm with the vernacular of a petulant child by clicking the “I don’t care, unsubscribe me anyway” button. And is that tone really the kind of person you want to be?
Wait, before you go!
Are you mad at us?
Then please just take a moment to let us know why you’re unsubscribing:
Other (if you are not mad at us, which it sounds like you probably are, please explain why else you are being like this. This is the only option and it’s a mandatory field with a 250 word minimum so you can’t just write “N/A.”)
If you intended to unsubscribe, please click the “unsubscribe now” button below.
Oops sorry, ha ha, wrong landing page!
You have been successfully removed from the subscriber list (with 85% certainty)! Please allow 5-7 days for the changes to take effect. Or could be a few months, we don’t really monitor this inbox very often, honestly.
Thank you for your time! Call you tomorrow because we have your phone number, too.
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Sarah Hass is a writer based in San Francisco, CA. She works in tech by day and also writes humor by day because we can work from home now. Follow her on Instagram at tacko_belle.