An Open Letter to the Personal Trainer Who Entered the Gym Washroom and Yelled, “Fuck, It Smells Like Shit in Here!”

Dear Personal Trainer,

 

Look, I know the washroom stunk when you came to use the urinal, but what did you expect? The urinals are directly in front of 5 bathroom stalls, which were all in use. That’s 5 guys dropping a deuce in an enclosed space. Do the math: 5 times deuce equals double-digit dumping. You don’t have to be a genius to know that’s not going to smell like potpourri.

 

Have you ever walked into a men’s room, when 5 guys are all playing KerPlunk, and thought, “Man, it smells amazing in here!”? No, I didn’t think so. It would be some kind of bathroom miracle if you walked into that situation and it didn’t smell.

 

As one of the people using a stall at that time, I can say that things were bad enough without your angry tirade. Do you think I like dropping anchor in the gym washroom, along with four other men on high-protein diets? I’d much rather be in the privacy and comfort of my own home, but I haven’t mastered the art of keeping my waste pent up inside of me while exercising. Using the gym toilet is an unfortunate necessity.

 

As a personal trainer, you must know that you don’t want to be strenuously working out if you have one in the chamber. The big dude waddling around the gym? That’s not because he’s sore from leg day. No, he neglected to use the washroom and then soiled himself going for a new one-rep max. You don’t have to be an OBGYN to know that aggressive pushing and straining will inevitably lead to excrement.

 

There I was trying to quickly and quietly take care of business, all the while taking small, shallow breaths in a futile attempt to limit my exposure to the collective stink, and then you came lumbering in like the giant from Jack and the Beanstalk and yelled, “Fuck, it smells like shit in here!”

 

I must congratulate you on your astute, canine-like powers of olfactory observation. With an ability to piece together such profound conclusions, surely you must be related to Sherlock Holmes. When you walk into a movie theater, do you loudly declare, “Fuck, it smells like popcorn in here!”? With your uncanny scent capabilities I can only hope you moonlight as a baggage drug detector at the airport. You may want to schedule an appointment with your doctor as hyperosmia is associated with a number of medical conditions.

 

Look, we agree that the washroom smelled bad, but I don’t know why you had to get so angry and shit shame me and the occupants of the other stalls.

 

If it weren’t for the cheap plywood partition between each stall, we’d be able to reach out and touch the guy next to us. With less than 3 feet between each toilet, it’s essentially a chain gang of shitters.

 

You need to re-evaluate your expectations for scents you encounter in a packed washroom. If the odor in the men’s room is so unbearable that it causes you to curse, you should talk to your employer about providing some scented candles or aerosol spray.

 

I’m already degrading myself by defecating in your gym’s far from ideal bathroom. I’m not in there relaxing with my favorite book, I’m simply taking care of one of the body’s most basic needs. So, please, spare me and the washroom’s other users your unremarkable remarks. We already know the gym bathroom smells like shit.

 

Sincerely,

Jason Garramone