Are My Symptoms Seasonal Allergies…Or?

Spring is here, and that means seasonal allergies are too. But your sneeze might not be due to springtime pollen.

Allergy-like symptoms could also be:

Common cold

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Sinus infection

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Flu

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COVID-19

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RSV

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Monkeypox

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Measles

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Shingles

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Bubonic Plague

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Justinian Plague (making a comeback)

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An ancient disease from the thawing permafrost

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Exposure to toxic algal blooms, flesh-eating bacteria, brain-eating amoeba, or other pathogens from warming oceans, coastlines, rivers, and lakes

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Anal seepage from unknowingly inhaling / ingesting a credit card’s worth of microplastics each week

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General emphysema and asthma-like symptoms from smog, wildfire smoke, and other ‘natural’ pollutants

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Gradual neurodegeneration from pesticides, herbicides, industrial chemicals, heavy metals and mercury, radioactive runoff, and other widespread industrial pollutants

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Lyme, Babesia, and-or another tick-borne disease (Babesia is the best, because it sounds nice)

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Zika, West Nile, Dengue, or Chikungunya, transmitted by mosquitoes, gnats, no-see-ums, fleas, chiggers, and biting flies (god, aren’t biting flies the worst! by the way, only mosquitoes carry these. the others are just fun to say)

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Swine Flu

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Equestrian Flu

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Extraterrestrial Flu

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Antibiotic-resistant bacteria or a drug-resistant fungal infection contracted in a hospital

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Any of the hundreds of infectious diseases (re-)emerging and ramifying due to pollution and global warming (*see full list)

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Exposure to a secret government or private ‘sonic attack,’ ‘directed microwave energy’ attack, or bioweapon

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Traumatic stress and delirium from living in a famished war zone

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General malaise and desensitization from noise pollution, light pollution, cellphone tower and satellite signals, screen exposure, and other electromagnetic waves

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ADHD, ‘the shakes,’ and St. Vitus dance from smartphone, social media, video game, and other media overstimulation

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Anxiety or obsession from rampant mis- and dis- information, conspiracy theories, ‘Post-Truth,’ ‘Fake News,’ ‘Alternative Facts,’ deepfakes, and pseudoscience

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AI manipulation

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Political exhaustion

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Addlement from countless online, phone, and mailing frauds, scams, and identity thefts

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Crushing depression and despondency from the current cultural, economic, and environmental state of the world and its probable impending doom

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Chlamydia, Syphilis, or another STD from all the abandoned profligate sex you’ve been having with countless random partners due to the aforementioned sense of hopelessness

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The BLUES (often cured through crooning your woes sadly on the guitar)

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‘Bleeding Out’ (somehow mentioned in 75% of all Improv Comedy performances)

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‘The Fear’ (typically experienced after ingesting huge quantities of psychoactive substances and reading the entire oeuvre of Hunter S. Thompson)

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Lycanthropy, Vampirism, or Zombification

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Klingon Augment Virus, Pa’nar Syndrome, or The Phage; Andromeda Strain, or Protomolecule  (*see Extraterrestrial Flu)

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Idiopathic Meningkaliofrasticnucleocellularnanophytoencephelitis

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Love Sickness

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Climate Change Denial Disorder

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White Man’s Burden

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Cooties

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Bad Breath

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Shame

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If you’re not sure what might be causing your allergy-like symptoms, consult with your doctor today! Or—as they might be on a leave of absence due to their own persistent symptoms—any remotely qualified medical practitioner (or veterinarian) who’ll see you.